Monday, October 19, 2009

Bear with me

As part of Project:Me (which is going great by the way!) I decided to go into a bit of retreat, or hibernation so to say. (pardon my blog title pun) As much as I love blogging and I love reading blogs, sometimes I can lose myself and get lost in IF/secondary IF world for hours and get really caught up on this whole me-not-being-able-to-carry-a-live-baby-thing. It really affects my mood, my mindset, my whole being for the day.  So that's why I've been silent. I needed (and still need) to re-focus on what is making me happy and how to continue to heal physically and emotionally from all that has gone on this year. Falling back into "diagnosis mode" of what went wrong those 3 times, diving into what other ladies have gone through and comparing how similiar/opposite my experiences were, etc, etc...it's really draining and I feel it isn't good for my healing at the moment.  

So please, bear with me if I don't blog as regularly for the next little while.  I've been 'silent' for 10 days and might be for another in terms of new posts (but who knows, something hilarious might happen on Gl.e.e or something shocking on Grey's and I will have to blog about it) but for now my dear blogger friends, I am continuing to pray for all of you every day and rooting you on in your journeys to becoming the mothers that we all dream and deserve to be.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Project:Me

So Project:Me officially started today, well actually a few days ago but I'll explain.  This mission, should I choose (and I will) accept it, is to focus on everything that will make me happy and healthy. 

On my Project:Me checklist:

  • throw BD'ing term out the door - time to brin.g se.xy back in the bed room without it feeling like a Project:Baby mission (this is where Project:Me started a few days ago -- felt great to finally 'let loose' and just have fun! throwing pillows to the wind! yahoo!

  • Eat more green veggies

  • Exercise 4 times a week - started this one today with the Tra.cy And.er.son Me.tho.d (as I am typing my arms feel like jello - but I love this burn - die you flappy arms, die!)

  • Indulge in some retail therapy (again this started a few days ago with a pair of hot new heels and a new purse) 

  • Spend more time outdoors before winter comes

  • Learn something new and perfect it (still don't know what this will be yet)

  • Dial down on gossiping

  • Finish Time Tra.veler's wife so I can see the movie with my sister

  • Reconnect with BFF - small steps

  • Get a new haircut (appt next Tuesday - we'll see how adventurous I get!)

  • Pay down credit card bill (I know, point 4 above totally contradicts that)

  • Get back to doing daily devotionals 
that's the list for now...but so far, so good.  Oh, and I got a call from the specialists' office yesterday - my first appointment isn't until Dec 2 but at least I am in and the nurse put me on the cancellation list if there are any earlier openings.  I'm kind of glad, in a way, that it's that far off.  It will really give me a good start on Project:Me.  And who knows what will happen till then, right? 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Don't Stop Believing

Can't get this out of my head. I think it's a good thing. I won't stop believing.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Picking up the pieces

Thank you for the overwhelming support last week, my dear fellow blogger friends.  I have been immersed so deeply in work since my last post, it has literally forced me to put what has happened aside and focus on the task at hand.  Unfortunately there was no shirking from my work responsibilities, considering that I was the project lead on an event that was 7 months in the making.  Needless to say, last week has got to be one of the toughest I've had to get through - especially when you have to put on a happy face (or at least, not puffy, swollen-from-crying face) and just 'deal with' the hand that I was dealt.  The bleeding stopped after 3 days, which was quite short but I guess if I wasn't pregnant for that long, there was less matter to pass (sorry, tmi) and there was no pain like there was the first two times. I guess if I have to be grateful for something, that would be it.  Imagine if I was running the event with a hundred clients wondering why this girl is keeled over in a corner? The sheer horror.

I met with my OB this afternoon. Might I mention that I walked into a room filled with preggos of every trimester, shape and size. Then there was lil' ol not-pregnant-anymore-me.  Please don't take it the wrong way, if you are currently preggers and reading this. I know you all remember what it felt like when everyone else in the room was with child but you - this is the feeling I was trying to convey and nothing else - I am so happy for all of you who are preggers now after such a long and difficult journey, you all are deserving of a mother of the year award for what you've already been through to get to this point.

Back to the appointment. She told me that what I had was a chemical pregnancy (similar to the 2nd time) - as the beta hcg was low and the second draw was already negative.  She said that there is little to say about egg quality or luteal phase at this point because I was not venturing into IVF land where these things would be monitored.  She did offer to refer me to the 'guru' of RPL, Dr. L, who specializes in auto immune diseases in pregnant women.  I am to wait for my appointment now and I can discuss what other tests I can or should be running, and if DH needs to be involved.  I googled Dr. L and if the reviews are legit, then I have a glimmer of some renewed hope.  Seems he specializes in recurrent m/c and has helped a number of women carry a baby successfully to term. I guess we will have to see about that. 
It has not been an easy week but I am, slowly,picking up the pieces of my heart.

I find it is the worst at night when I am lying awake with thoughts of what's to come, the crushing defeat, and heartache of starting all over again. 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers - I have a lot to catch up on - I see that there has been so much that has gone on in all of your lives that I have not been able to provide my support to - I apologize for that.

I still have not shared this with anyone and I'm not sure I'm going to yet.   So far,we are keeping it just between DH and me. And of course, the community here.  I know I'll need the support from family and friends down the road, but for now, this security bubble is where I feel the most safe at the moment.