Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Despite everything this year

...I am pleasantly surprised how much I am enjoying all the holiday hoop-la and festivities

...I am so blessed to have such a wonderful hubby beside me in this journey, and I am also thankful for my close family and a great group of friends 

...I can still laugh with my whole being

...I can still hold babies without wanting to cry

...I am so glad to have met all of you bloggy buddies - even though it meant that we all had to go through our own bumps in the road - I do not know how I would have survived without the support of this group

...I am still invested in Project:Me, and intend to keep it up in 2010

...I remain hopeful of what God has in store for me

The next few days are going to be busy, but just wanted to get these thoughts down before they fade. 

Merry Christmas lovely ladies: for those first time mommies out there - may you have a wonderful 1st Christmas with your precious babies - cherish every moment like I know you will, and enjoy! For those that are currently waiting anxiously for their bundle of joy - remember what this Christmas is like because it will probably be your last 'quiet' one until the baby is born :)  and lastly, I know for some of you it won't be an easy time this Christmas, but better days are ahead, I just know it - embrace those you love and who love you - and God Bless.

Monday, December 14, 2009

so this is weird

Today is CD22. And AF just arrived.  I've never had AF this early? is this because of my sono this cycle? did it move things along?  I have no idea.
I had to go do my CD 21 and 22 blood work today to check my progesterone levels so I'm not sure how this will affect my results.   I think that I may need to start using OPK's this cycle to pin point my O days since the last O was a bit of a surprise to me.   Hubby and I went for our karotyping tests last Friday and it was nice we were early enough to be in and out, and even had time for breakfast together downtown before I dropped him off at work.

Sorry I haven't been blogging lately because as you might remember, I'm hosting 3 Christmas parties this year and #1 was this past weekend. It was a fab success and I'm looking forward to #2 this Saturday.  The plus side is that the house is already clean and I'm pretty much doing the same set up and food so not too much work again. I am more nervous about cooking a turkey for my in-laws and my family when they come over for Christmas (#3) so fingers crossed that all goes well! Keeping it short and sweet - but here's a pic of the cups that I 'made' for my guests at the party last weekend - it was a huge hit and super easy to do! All you need is some great pics, a colour printer, and large address labels!

Friday, December 4, 2009

All clear...and a lightbulb moment

So I survived the sono! Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences with me -- it totally eased my mind and prepared me for it (and thx Laura for the rythmic tapping tip - I totally did it while I was on the table)

So the doctor who did the procedure was great, she told me everytime she was doing something and that I would likely feel a cramp coming on.  I was given a play by play by the technican, who was very reassuring and even hinted to me before the doctor came in the room that if I wanted, I could also ask for my tubes to be checked,  since they were in there anyway. 

It wasn't something that the specialist had asked for, but no harm done right? So when the dr. came in I just casually hinted at it and she's like, sure np! We'll take a look while we're in there! So I had an impromptu 'flushing' of the tubes as well as the sono today.  Per the technican, she said my tubes looked fabulous, and everything looked great in the uterus, no fibroids or cysts or abnormality. 

Then she asked me - what day did you say you're on right now? CD12.  And when do you normally ovulate?  hmmm by my guess (and not by charting or opks) I thought it was CD14/CD15.  She's like hmm.


She told me that it looked like I had ovulated already! either just this morning or before -but there was no follie there ready to drop - already gone! I was shocked.  CD12?  really?  This whole time I thought I ovulated much later and therefore, BD'd according to what I had thought.  I'm no dr. , but I'm wondering if that has anything to do with the miscarriages?  the 'freshness' of the egg?  b/c when we BD'd, we always aimed for CD13, CD15, CD17, give or take.  Which means, that when I got pregnant those 3 times, it was when my egg wasn't as fresh as it could have been.  

So I excitedly called my hubby afterwards to share this new revelation - and he's all excited and said - well, should we try then?  But that brings me back to my last post.  I really truly believe that we should find out if there is anything wrong that we can prevent before we get pregnant again-- but then it's like - how often do I get to know exactly when I ovulated? 

Argh. God has taught me a lot of patience this year.  What's 9 more weeks right?

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

I leave you with a picture of the beautiful Angel Wings that I received in the mail today from Christa - thank you so much for them - everytime I walk by my tree now I will think of my angel babies, and also of the support that I have found here in blog land this year. *hugs*

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Appointment details

Thanks for all the positive thoughts and prayers for my RPL appt yesterday - I certainly needed them! The appointment ended up being with another doctor, not the 'guru' Dr. L - apparently I don't get to see him until after the results (in 9 weeks) and until I get preggers again. 

So this other autoimmune specialist chick did a quick physical (no internal) and asked me a slew of questions to start building my profile - and then came the requis.iti.on forms. Like I'm talking 5 of them - each with a whole lotta tests on them.  As she ran off each one, where to go to get them, ultrasound this, son.o.hysterog.ram that, my mind just started spinning.  I knew this was what I was in for, but it was just all coming so fast I could barely keep up with paper and pen in hand (thanks Christa for the tip).

So my appt ended in about 45 mins, and I was off to get the blood drained out of me. No kidding, the first draw was about 10 vials *cringe* and then I was off to a hospital a block away to do another panel of bloodwork - another 7 vials *double cringe*.

(for those that are curious, they were all the antibodies - anti-ds DNA, anti-ss DNA, anti-lym.phocyte, anti-ca.rdiolipin lgG, anti-cardi.olipin lgM. Then the coag.ulati.on panel: russell's vi.per venom time (?), kaol.in ce.phalin, clotting ime, partial thro.mbo.plastin time - lu.pus specific, and dilute pro-thr.ombin) (the one at the hosp i didn't write down -shucks! but it was a full panel of th-something)

In between the bloodwork was a urine sample...then back to the clinic for an external and internal ultrasound (this I was totally not 'prepped' for - if you know what I mean ladies - I had not keep the hedges trimmed in the past few weeks but at this point, it's like who cares right?).  I wasn't supposed to have the u/s yesterday but apparently it was perfect timing because they wanted me to be in between day 9-12 of my cycle and I was on CD10. 

To my suprise, I find out that because of this impeccable timing of my cycle, I am scheduled to come back Friday (tomorrow) to do the son.o.hysterog.ram (SHSG) - which is the one with the saline.  I'm a bit nervous about it b/c they kept reminding me to eat lunch, then take 2 advil -- so please ladies, if you have had any experiences (good or bad) please share with me b/c I need some real assurance as to what's going to happen tomorrow. 

We're not done yet.  DH and I are also going to get karot.yp.ing tests done - but that can only be done on either a Monday or a Friday between 7am -10am so we'll both have to go back next Friday do get that draw.

Lastly, they want to check my prog.est.er.one levels on CD21 & CD22 so I'll have to go and get draws then - but good thing is I can go to any lab and not all the way downtown.

Whew. crazy day right? I'm glad to finally have all of these tests done, but at 3 pm yesterday I was just exhausted after being poked and prodded all day.  DH was great company and I'm glad he was able to come with me. We ended off the day on a high note - we decided the last minute to go and check out TVs at Be.s.t B.uy...in Buffalo,NY.  It's about a 2.5 hour drive from us but it was worth it b/c we ended up getting a TV at a super great deal, AND had dinner at the Chee.se.c ake Fac.to.ry (you guys are so lucky to have it! I looove it and can only get it in Buffalo NY :( 

So all was not lost of our vacation day after all. I'm hopeful to find out if there are any specific issues that we can address, and most importantly, fix -- but my results appt isn't until Feb 8th so the fact that it's so far away will be hard! Especially since they advised that we do not get pregnant before then. I'm torn. Should we completely stop trying or just go with it? We are leaning towards the - let's find out the results and then start trying again but we also feel like the more and more weeks go by, the more opportunities (well 2 opportunities) will be missed! Advice? Thoughts?

Thanks for reading what ended up being a majorly long post - and please keep me in your prayers tomorrow when I go for my sono!  :(

Monday, November 30, 2009


So my RPL specialist appointment is this Wednesday! I'm excited but very nervous because I haven't been on doctor's visits for a whole 2 months since the last m/c. Not sure entirely what to expect but this place seems to be my last resort. In the words of my OB, if he can't help you, no one can. Reassuring, I know, right?

The sweet receptionist called today to remind me of the appt on Wed (who btw has called like 2 or 3 times in the past few months to see if I would be able to scoot in as I was on the cancellation wait list but it was always too late notice and I couldn't take the time off to go) - anyhoo, I asked her about this 'package' I was supposed to receive and if it was important and she was puzzled that I hadn't received it in the mail yet.  So we arranged for her to scan and email them to me as they were a bunch of forms (6 pages) to note down my misc.arriage history and my medical history, as well as DH's.

So I got the forms and started to fill them out over my lunch hour. Some things that popped out at me (in no particular order):

1) Some of the blood tests will not be covered by OHIP (our gov't healthcare plan) - so out of pocket is $290. oy.

2) How many pregnancies have you had?  3 - sigh.

3) How many have resulted in live births? 0 , zip, zilch, none

4) How many have resulted in miscarriages?  3 - ok I want to stop filling out this form now.

5) Have you had any therapeutic abortions? NO. what the?

6) What symptoms, if any, did you experience after pregnancy? hmm I wonder if I can put: feelings of guilt, exhaustion, sadness, crying fits, despair?  I settled for n/a.

And on and on it goes.  I guess they need all the information they can get right?


Weekend was good, super busy with getting the rest of the decor up around the house, including my beautiful tree.  We've always had the 'mini' tree up in our old place b/c the ceilings were never high enough, but when we set it up this year in our new house, it seemed really sad and small.  So we added the full last layer of the tree and it's gigantic and gorgeous! Super excited for the holiday parties to start.  I'm obsessing a bit over details (i.e. instead of writing names on cups - I'm printing up a funny pic of everyone on large address labels- and using those as name tags on the cups! how fun is that! )

Wish me luck on Wed. I'm happy that DH was able to take the day off to come with me. We'll see if we can sneak in a visit to the spa as well - cuz with all that is coming up we sure need some good ol' R&R!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Life is like Roll up.the Rim to.Win

For my American bloggers who haven't heard of our beloved Canadian coffee shop, Ti.m Ho.rton's, also known affectionately as 'Tim.mies' - they run an annual campaign/contest called 'Roll up.the.Ri.m to Win' - it's quite an event over here and I can't wait for it to come back (!) 
So here's the deal: after you enjoy your delicious hot beverage, you pick at and knaw on the rim of the cup to reveal your prize. It's either, Congrats you've won a donut/coffee/tea/TV/Car/$$! or the dreaded: Please Try Again.

I rolled the rim this weekend and got the dreaded Please Try Again. 

Let's rewind to Saturday, CD 29.

I felt the odd cramp here and there that morning.  I had also been taking my prog.est.er.one supp.osito.ries since 2DPO so I was going to stop once I got a BFN.  When I POAS this time it was like second nature, I feel like I've done this so many times I can do it with my eyes closed. Except for that first squirt when you have to see where you have to place the stick.  Oh stop being squeamish, y'all know what I'm talking about.  So I did my business, and placed it on the bathroom counter and went to put the rest of the groceries away - yup, I totally did that. 

No more standing over the counter, waiting for that line to appear, I just did it and said I would come back to it when I'm ready to read the results.
There's something about that moment you flip it over and see if that magical line is there, or any faint trace of it.  I needed to be ok with not seeing it there. 

I was relieved and disappointed at the same time.  But maybe it's for the best as I still have my specialist appointment coming up in a few weeks and really, we weren't 'trying' this month...thanks for all the positive thoughts and encouragement ladies.

Hopefully I'll get a 'congrats, you win a..' next month.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

End of week thoughts

Well I'm at the tail end of another 2WW.  AF is supposed to be due tomorrow but I have no clue what to expect this time around. I have been a bit absent minded about this 2WW - but I will have the odd feeling once in a while and pause to wonder if "that" was a symptom?

But then the thought quickly vanishes and gets replaced with "why are you torturing yourself - it's just going to end like how the others did". And then on with my day I go. 

I am half hoping I am but also hoping that I'm not. 

What a weird feeling to have eh? (don't mind the eh? it's a Cdn thing LOL) I am not going to rush out and buy pee sticks either - I am going to wait it out over the weekend b/c AF could very well just be late if she doesn't arrive 'on time' tomorrow on CD 28.  B/c last cycle after my 3rd m/c she arrived on CD 24.  Oh and side note, I also have been popping in progesterone suppositories since O so who knows if that's why I have been feeling phantom symptoms.


In other news, Christmas is fast approaching and I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to host not one, not two, but THREE parties at my house over the holidays.  Am I nuts?  I think just a bit. :)  But secretly I love entertaining and all that jazz - my girlfriends call me Martha. LOL

So these past few weeks I have been gearing up for the first one early December - I am thinking the tree needs to go up this weekend - it's not too early, is it? Hubby has been working a lot this month on the weekends b/c its year end where he works so it's been so much fun hanging with my lil' sis and doing girlie things like going to Starbucks (I get so excited when those holiday cups come out!) and of course, shopping till we drop!

Project Me is going well with the minor exception that I have not worked out all this week.  I feel slightly guilty but I am so tired these days from work that I just don't have the mojo to do it at 5:30 am anymore.  I'll have to get my booty moving again tho, b/c I have a few new holiday outfits hanging in my closet (unbeknownst to hubby of course teehee) that I want to show off at all those parties I'll be hosting. :)

Will keep y'all posted as to what this weekend reveals!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

that kid in highschool - you know the one

I want to preface this post by saying that I am filled with joy, absolutely thrilled, over-the-moon for all of my fellow bloggers who have had recent BFPs and all of you previous IFers now-turned-2nd trimester mommies-to-be out there.  You have all waited so long for this miracle, and been through so much to get there and now that it is finally happening, it is so great to hear about your journey now, from a different perspective. 

But still, I just can't help this feeling that won't go away. I'm that sad, lowly kid that has been picked last for the 'winning team'. I was fortunate never to have to experience that (as I was usually was the team captain) but now - I have slowly and silently become the one that is the odd man out, the benched kid hanging out by the gatorade cooler.

*Sigh*.  Just having one of those days where it seems like it's everyone but me.  Pity party for one, thank you.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Yes, I'm still here

...actually, it probably seems like I've been around since I still log on to check in on all of you and still comment on your blogs! In any case, these past few weeks of 'silence' has been really really good for me. 

I have completely invested myself into Project:Me and I'm feeling relaxed, at peace, and focused.  I have committed to a regular exercise routine that has me up around 5:30/6 in the morning and although it's been tough, I've been seeing the positive results physically and also has affected my mood and my outlook on life and everything else in between.

I still wonder what it would be like, to be REALLY really pregnant (like 2nd trimester pregnant), and if I will ever one day be there; but somehow I am not sad like I used to be when I think of what's to come/and how long it will be until it does.  I've pushed the negative thoughts to a corner, simply because that's where I've chosen to banish them for now -- but it is no longer consuming my every waking minute and it is no longer pulling me back into wallowing and dispair.

So I'm in a good place right now.  But sadly, I got a call from one of my closest gf's last night letting me know that she too, was pregnant, but was currently going through her 1st m/c.  I felt so raw, so completely devastated for her - and through her tears, she said that she now truly understood what I had been going through. 

We talked for a while about what's to come (physically and emotionally) and I tried to give her as much support and pass along as much information as I know, having been a 'pro' at this now. *sigh*.  After hanging up, I wondered to myself: was this in God's master plan all along?  That the only way I could have supported my dear non-Christian friend in this dreadful time was to have been through it myself? To have someone so close to me go through the same thing so that I have some in-person support? 

Who knows. But I know that she is going through a lot of pain and confusion right now - and I hope and pray that she will never ever have to go through it again.

I'm back, ladies, and I've missed you all!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bear with me

As part of Project:Me (which is going great by the way!) I decided to go into a bit of retreat, or hibernation so to say. (pardon my blog title pun) As much as I love blogging and I love reading blogs, sometimes I can lose myself and get lost in IF/secondary IF world for hours and get really caught up on this whole me-not-being-able-to-carry-a-live-baby-thing. It really affects my mood, my mindset, my whole being for the day.  So that's why I've been silent. I needed (and still need) to re-focus on what is making me happy and how to continue to heal physically and emotionally from all that has gone on this year. Falling back into "diagnosis mode" of what went wrong those 3 times, diving into what other ladies have gone through and comparing how similiar/opposite my experiences were, etc, etc...it's really draining and I feel it isn't good for my healing at the moment.  

So please, bear with me if I don't blog as regularly for the next little while.  I've been 'silent' for 10 days and might be for another in terms of new posts (but who knows, something hilarious might happen on Gl.e.e or something shocking on Grey's and I will have to blog about it) but for now my dear blogger friends, I am continuing to pray for all of you every day and rooting you on in your journeys to becoming the mothers that we all dream and deserve to be.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


So Project:Me officially started today, well actually a few days ago but I'll explain.  This mission, should I choose (and I will) accept it, is to focus on everything that will make me happy and healthy. 

On my Project:Me checklist:

  • throw BD'ing term out the door - time to brin.g se.xy back in the bed room without it feeling like a Project:Baby mission (this is where Project:Me started a few days ago -- felt great to finally 'let loose' and just have fun! throwing pillows to the wind! yahoo!

  • Eat more green veggies

  • Exercise 4 times a week - started this one today with the Tra.cy And.er.son Me.tho.d (as I am typing my arms feel like jello - but I love this burn - die you flappy arms, die!)

  • Indulge in some retail therapy (again this started a few days ago with a pair of hot new heels and a new purse) 

  • Spend more time outdoors before winter comes

  • Learn something new and perfect it (still don't know what this will be yet)

  • Dial down on gossiping

  • Finish Time Tra.veler's wife so I can see the movie with my sister

  • Reconnect with BFF - small steps

  • Get a new haircut (appt next Tuesday - we'll see how adventurous I get!)

  • Pay down credit card bill (I know, point 4 above totally contradicts that)

  • Get back to doing daily devotionals 
that's the list for now...but so far, so good.  Oh, and I got a call from the specialists' office yesterday - my first appointment isn't until Dec 2 but at least I am in and the nurse put me on the cancellation list if there are any earlier openings.  I'm kind of glad, in a way, that it's that far off.  It will really give me a good start on Project:Me.  And who knows what will happen till then, right? 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Don't Stop Believing

Can't get this out of my head. I think it's a good thing. I won't stop believing.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Picking up the pieces

Thank you for the overwhelming support last week, my dear fellow blogger friends.  I have been immersed so deeply in work since my last post, it has literally forced me to put what has happened aside and focus on the task at hand.  Unfortunately there was no shirking from my work responsibilities, considering that I was the project lead on an event that was 7 months in the making.  Needless to say, last week has got to be one of the toughest I've had to get through - especially when you have to put on a happy face (or at least, not puffy, swollen-from-crying face) and just 'deal with' the hand that I was dealt.  The bleeding stopped after 3 days, which was quite short but I guess if I wasn't pregnant for that long, there was less matter to pass (sorry, tmi) and there was no pain like there was the first two times. I guess if I have to be grateful for something, that would be it.  Imagine if I was running the event with a hundred clients wondering why this girl is keeled over in a corner? The sheer horror.

I met with my OB this afternoon. Might I mention that I walked into a room filled with preggos of every trimester, shape and size. Then there was lil' ol not-pregnant-anymore-me.  Please don't take it the wrong way, if you are currently preggers and reading this. I know you all remember what it felt like when everyone else in the room was with child but you - this is the feeling I was trying to convey and nothing else - I am so happy for all of you who are preggers now after such a long and difficult journey, you all are deserving of a mother of the year award for what you've already been through to get to this point.

Back to the appointment. She told me that what I had was a chemical pregnancy (similar to the 2nd time) - as the beta hcg was low and the second draw was already negative.  She said that there is little to say about egg quality or luteal phase at this point because I was not venturing into IVF land where these things would be monitored.  She did offer to refer me to the 'guru' of RPL, Dr. L, who specializes in auto immune diseases in pregnant women.  I am to wait for my appointment now and I can discuss what other tests I can or should be running, and if DH needs to be involved.  I googled Dr. L and if the reviews are legit, then I have a glimmer of some renewed hope.  Seems he specializes in recurrent m/c and has helped a number of women carry a baby successfully to term. I guess we will have to see about that. 
It has not been an easy week but I am, slowly,picking up the pieces of my heart.

I find it is the worst at night when I am lying awake with thoughts of what's to come, the crushing defeat, and heartache of starting all over again. 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers - I have a lot to catch up on - I see that there has been so much that has gone on in all of your lives that I have not been able to provide my support to - I apologize for that.

I still have not shared this with anyone and I'm not sure I'm going to yet.   So far,we are keeping it just between DH and me. And of course, the community here.  I know I'll need the support from family and friends down the road, but for now, this security bubble is where I feel the most safe at the moment.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

3rd strike

If I were a major league baseball pitcher, I would be happy. But instead, I am drained, numb, disappointed and sad.  This is how I have been feeling for the past 24 hours. I started spotting brown Monday night, before going to bed. By Tuesday morning, the brown turned to red. I had to go into work yesterday because I had a few face to face meetings that I could not miss due to a big event I am running tomorrow and Friday.  But then it started, at work no less.  Dull cramps (not painful like my other 2 m/c) but clots passing. I feared the worst.  I know the worst. 

I called my OB office and left a vm and they immediately called me back.  My OB still wants me to do my blood draw today and then come in to see her on Monday.

I went home early yesterday after my meetings and just changed into my flannel pj's and curled up on the couch with some herbal tea.  Absorbed myself in whatever was on TV until my hubby came home and the floodgates opened. I cried but I did not wail. Just hot tears running down my face in disbelief that we are back at this point again.  I am just so heartbroken.

My hubby was great, as always - but how many times can we go through this until it has a happy ending?
I am numb, I want to cry but I have no more energy left.
I just need to get through this week with my work commitments and then I need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. 
Thank you all for your prayers and support during my brief week and a half that I knew I was pregnant.  
I gave this pregnancy over to God the day I found out, but again, I guess he had better plans for us.

I'll find out the results of the blood draw tomorrow, but I already know what they will be.

Monday, September 28, 2009

September 27

That was the EDD of our first, yesterday.  I did not cry and I did not feel the way I thought I was going to feel this day. In fact, I felt really guilty that I didn't even remember the significance of this day until early afternoon as I was planting tulips with my sister and putting out fall fertilizer in the front and back lawn.  It struck me that the last time I planted, it was 2 rose bushes, one for each m/c this year.

This does not mean that I still don't wish and hope that September 27 would have been a different day. I hope our angel baby is safe and sound and that he or she knows how loved they were by us.  But I have to believe that God had plotted a different path for us to take, and I have to believe that we are not parents right now because He wanted us to experience how deeply we loved each other in the good and bad times, and to realize just how much we wanted to grow our family and begin a new stage in our lives.

With this new pregnancy, as much as I repeat my mantra every morning, every day and every night, I am still fearful. I have given this pregnancy to God and I am trusting that He will take care of me, no matter what happens. I have not gone in for my 2nd blood test yet - even though last Wednesday I was ready to bust into the blood lab the next day. 

Part of me is just wanting to put all of this in a box and pretend that everything is alright, and that I'll open it when I'm good and ready to.  If I follow my OB's orders, then technically, my next blood draw will be nice and high and my worries would be quashed. The other part of me is scared to death that I will get the impending bad news and I will plummet back into the scary depths of sorrow that I am not ready to go back to.

I know, either way, I still need to find out. I need to suck it up and be brave. But it's so hard to when I've been crushed twice. I am not sure how I will fare if this one meets the same destiny.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers this week..

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Calm after the storm

So I'm feeling much better today, thank you thank you so much for your comments yesterday during my panic attack moment.  Although I still don't know what the outcome of everything will be, I do have to remember that whatever my body needs to do, it will (thanks BMom for the reminder)- and as much as I will it to, if it wasn't meant to be, there is nothing I can do to change it - #'s are #'s.  My boobs are still sore and I had a bit of the queasy feeling back this morning, started to get constipated a few days ago (sorry tmi), and from time to time, still feeling the dull cramps, and no spotting to report.  

I left a message with the OB's office saying that I would like to do my next draw at least Monday so I think I will go in then (I already have the requisition so it's just me going to the lab)

Last nite was a blessing in disguise. My good friend and her hubby and baby came over for dinner (the one who I melted down in front of)  and we had a really good time catching up - and baby S and I hit it off from the get go (she would climb up to me on the couch and put in her head down on my shoulder- I know, heart strings) and I immediately felt comforted with this little being in my arms.  I have a busy few days coming up - girls nite tomorrow and then another wedding on Saturday - and I want to plant some tulips and do some light gardening on Sunday - so should occupy me until Monday comes around.  Key word being should. 
Thanks again for your encouragement and prayers ladies, it means the world to me right now as this is still a 'secret' from my family/close friends until I get more confirmation. Until then, I only have DH and my own crazy thoughts.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Manic Panic

Ok ladies so the rollercoaster began as of this morning, when I decided to take another pee test to see what the difference was from 14 DPO and today, 16 DPO. It freaked me out when I didn't really see a noticeable difference in the line darkness - I *think* it was a bit darker but it was really too close to tell.

So of course I'm starting to think everything is about to go downhill - my boobs are still sore (I sped up over speed bumps this morning and 'strutted' more in my high heels to 'make sure') - and I still have the dull cramping on and off and no bleeding/spotting; but the queasy feelings have subsided a bit. I still can't shake this nagging fear that this one is a goner too. 

I hate this, I hate not know for sure and I guess the reality of it all is that you never will know for sure until you have a baby in your arms at the end of it all.  I just have to keep trusting in God and place my fears and anxieties with Him.  I admire all you ladies that are currently a few weeks ahead of me in your journey - no part of this has been easy and I'm sure it will only get more 'interesting' as I get further and further. If I get further.

Please keep your prayers coming.  I need some strength right about now.

** update - Dr.'s office just called.  My HCG at 15 DPO is 50.  They said it was low and would like me to re-test next Wed. I asked why not sooner (b/c I thought it would be every 48 hrs) and she said the dr. said a week would be more tell-tale. I think it's because if I end up with another m/c there would be no point to do it more often - therefore if I haven't m/c by next week then it'll be 'testable'. Oh gosh, my head is spinning now.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some details before I forget

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and words of encouragement.  I know it's going to be a long road ahead so I'm just going to take it day by day and keeping remembering the mantra, 'today I am pregnant" and whatever happens will happen because it was already written in God's plan for me.

I finally had a decent sleep last night after the previous night of tossing and turning. I woke up this morning in a bit of a daze, as if yesterday was just a nice dream. But then I remembered the "+" and that I had to do another supp.o.sit.ory shove after my morning loo. Right back to my reality. ;)

I know when I was in the 2WW I was obsessed with symptoms and what other women had experienced so here's my rundown of what I remember:

CD14/15 "O day" - dull cramps on my left side

4 DPO - I got sick with a head cold, lasted for 4 days

7-9 DPO - face breaking out like crazy , tired all the time

10 DPO on- consistently waking up blazing hot (I never charted so I have no clue), exhaustion

11 DPO - DH noticed the girls were quite full and round

12 DPO - periodic cramping (like about to get AF),boobs feeling heavy and sore when bumped, wave of nausea hit me on the way home from wedding reception (to the point where I had to rip off of my restricting strapless bra in the car, on the freeway)

13 DPO - burping, cramping off and on, heavy boobs, queasy feeling at night, peeing in middle of night, noticed strong smelling pee

14 DPO - crampy twinges, nausea more noticeable throughout day and night, more aware of certain smells, peeing in middle of night

15 DPO (today) - crampy twinges off and on (but a bit less than yesterday), nausea in the morning before food but not as much as yesterday

that's all for now!  Off to my appt in a few hours so I'm praying for a good first blood draw. One of many to come I'm sure!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Oh boy.

I'm pregnant. 

(CD 28/14 DPO)

I am breathless. I am numb. I am scared. But I am also so thankful to God for giving us another shot, another chance.

Rewind back to last night - I lay there for a few hours, tossing and turning, anticipating what today would bring.  It was like I had the good and bad angel on my shoulders: 

Bad angel: You were probably just imagining that your boobs were sore, full and heavy.
Good angel: But how do you explain the other nite -was it bad wedding food or was it really nausea that hit you on the way home?
Good angel: What if you're pregnant? what month would my EDD be?
Bad angel: What if you're not? are you ready to start this all over again?
Good angel: If you are preggers, will you be able to travel for work in November?
Bad angel: Why are you even thinking that far ahead?

and so on and so on.

I was frustrated that DH was sound asleep and I was no where close to it so I got out of bed and consulted with Dr. Google on 13DPO symptoms until my eyelids got heavy and I ran out of 'search for x symptom' ideas.

I woke up when it was still dark outside, it must have been about 5 am.  I had already unpacked the pee sticks the night before so I wouldn't make a lot of noise with the packaging in the morning so I just grabbed one beside my box of pads and held my breath. I flipped it over so I couldn't see anything and counted to 30 before taking a deep breath and psyching myself up to seeing the result. The pic above said it all.  To feel joy and fear all in the same moment was a strange feeling.

I took a couple of deep breaths and woke DH up to tell him the news.  It was funny because he was half asleep, half awake when I blurted out that we're pregnant again - and once he realized I was really talking to him and it wasn't a dream, he grabbed me into a big hug and we congratulated each other with a big kiss;) I told him to go back to sleep - which he did - but I lay there with thoughts racing, already a to-do list in my mind, and waves of nausea no matter which way I was laying down (I'm not complaining though - I never had this this early in any of my previous pregnancies so I'm actually embracing it)

I've been calling my OB's office all day to try and get an appt to get bloodwork done, but in the meantime, I went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened this morning to fill out my script for Prom.etrium (Prog.es.ter.one Supp.ositor.ies).  Can I say Ew and Gross, ladies. They don't even come with an applicator!  They *look* like pills you can swallow but according to the pharmacist (who was very sweet btw, I'll tell you more about that conversation in another post) I had to shove this tiny ball (it literally looks like a pellet) up my hooha and call it a day.  Twice a day.  I did it this morning and (sorry tmi)  I couldn't tell if I had gotten it up far enough but since it didn't fall out I'm assuming I did good. 

And so I've been sitting here, trying to go about my job (yes I was still working and taking conference calls through all of this!) and yearning for the phone to ring.  I gave the OB's office two phone #'s to reach me and I have to give them credit, they did call me this morning, but I was at the pharmacy. They didn't call my cell but it's my fault I should've just given them one number in the first place. 

I stocked up a few more tests so I can use those to see how dark the line is getting if I don't get to see my OB soon.  I just really really need to see those levels go up so I don't go into panic mode.  It is still really early in the pregnancy so I'm hoping the supp.ositor.ies keep my lining nice and thick and strong. Please keep us in your prayers - I will need a lot of them these next few months!

I just want this baby so badly. I want to be his/her's Mommy. I want my hubby to be a Daddy.

Please God, please let us keep this one.

***(I am so sorry if this post hurts any of my fellow blogger friends - I am right there with you, feeling your pain of this constant roller coaster. I have not forgotten how it feels like to not be the one giving the news.)

**** update: OB office just called and I got an appt for tomorrow afternoon..here we go..

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Tears runneth over

An old, very dear friend of mine is here to visit from San Fransico for a mutual friends' wedding this coming weekend.  Last time her and her hubby were here, it was just the two of them.  Now, one year later, they are joined by their beautiful baby daughter, who recently turned one.  Seeing as she has not met her Canadian family and friends yet, today was a big combined celebration of her 1 year birthday and 'meet baby S' for the first time.  I was a bit nervous going to this party because I knew there were going to be babies, pregnant women, toddlers, people asking people when their next one will be, you get the picture. 

But I was so excited to see my friend and meet her little one.  My friend and I have known each other since before we had hair, so this was going to be extra special.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to me until I saw her and her baby for the first time.  We hugged and then it was just over. 

Floodgates just opened and I wept openly. Literally, no word of a lie, make up running down my face type of cry.  They were not sad tears about not having a babe in my arms, but happy tears that she had such a beautiful, precious girl and that my friend from my childhood was now a Mom.  I probably scared poor baby S - "who is this crazy lady crying and saying hi to me?" Man that was emotional.  Not sure what to make of my hormones lately.  AF is due tomorrow - I am hoping she decided to take a 9 month vacation.  please, please.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Earth Shattering, Life Altering events.

I'm watching the season premiere of The Bi.g.g.est Los.er tonight and I am crying and sobbing as I'm listening to Abby's story. I've never witnessed such strength and courage before. To have everyone you love, your DH, DD, and 2 week old precious newborn ripped from you in such a tragic event is so catastrophic and cataclysmic - I cannot even imagine. I don't understand why it had to happen. I don't understand why people, good people, are put through such trials and tribulations. Until now, my earth shattering event has been this road to become a mom. But after hearing Abby's story, it hit me that just because the journey to become a mom is successful, it doesn't necessarily always mean a happy ending. I'm sure there is a reason God wrote these events in her Life book - but right now, I can't accept that those beautiful children had to die and her hubby had to leave her side. It's just all too sad.

Needless to say, I'll be rooting for her this season. :(

Monday, September 14, 2009

the waiting game

I hate waiting in lines. I don't like making other people wait.  I would suck as a waitress. I hating being put on hold for a long period of time by cable companies over the phone.  Do you get the picture yet? I hate the 2WW!! 

Since I O'd last Monday I've been trying hard  NOT think about it at all but of course I'm analyzing every twingey cramp-down-there I feel, looking closely at the TP for any signs of anything, and just plain getting obsessed with "am I or aren't I?" !!

I need to relax.  I need to wind down.  I'm fighting a cold right now so that has my body very tired and feeling lazy in general. I'm waiting patiently (ha ha) for my Tracey Anderson Mat Workout DVD to arrive - I can't wait (!) to start this workout b/c I need to get off of this every growing arse and get fit! Because everyone knows when winter rolls around, it's hibernation time.  For me, anyway ;)

A shout out and congrats to Nicole and Cheryl for their recent BFPs - I'm so so happy for you ladies and I hope this week flies by so I can find out whether or not I'll be joining the club!

I leave you all with this chuckle for the day:

Monday, September 7, 2009

So the verdict is..

..all is normal. It was probably the quickest doctor's appointment I've ever been to in my life.  I did ask about an SHG but my doctor said that nothing in my history points to any uterine issues and that miscarrying twice was nothing but nature's course - and basically, just be patient and keep trying. 

I asked about fibroids (b/c my GP said that I had a very very small, quote, insignificant one from one of my ultrasounds) but the OB said that both of my pregnancies ended so early on that it wouldn't indicate that it had anything to do with miscarriage. In hindsight, I know I could have pushed more, but what she did said did make sense to me and I am satisfied right now with where I am in 'the plan'.  So no more testing at this point.

Since we got the green light Thursday, we've been BD'ing like bunnies on speed during these 'magic days'.  I have my hopes up but we'll see what happens.  There's only so much a girl can do (and as you all know, doing a the headstand on the bed after the deed 'just to help things along' is not a simple feat) *sigh* what we women won't do to make it happen, even if it has no medical proof that it does help!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Life is a funny thing - Mini makeover

Ok so I fiddled with the background templates and read up on how to play with HTML and...ta da! I *think* I'm happy with what it looks like so far. I added in a picture in the header that I snapped last summer of the gorgeous flowers in my mom's garden - isn't it such a pretty colour?

I also decided to update my Blog Title because when I first started this blog, it felt like life was playing a cruel joke on us by getting pregnant so 'easily' and then to lose it just as fast (hence, life is a funny thing). But the more my heart and soul has begun to heal, the more that I understand that all I really need, to get through all that lies ahead, is love. Eternal love from God, honest love from my hubby, protective love from my parents and sister, compassionate love from beautiful strangers in blogosphere.

Coincidentally, "All you need is love" are the very words that I had stamped on our chopstick holders at our wedding reception. The chinese character means Love and I found a stamp at Michael's with cursive writing 'all you need is love'. It was super cute and just perfect for the 200 handmade chopstick holders. It's too bad my picture doesn't do it justice.

So that's it for the mini makeover for now. I hope it's not too much hassle that I changed my blog title (I promise it will not happen again ;) but it's still me, just made over.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

September, month nine, nine months

So September is here. It marks the end of summer, end of warm evenings (albeit not so warm this summer here) and BBQs. It also marks the month that I would have been excitedly counting down the days to welcome a baby boy or girl into our lives from pregnancy #1. I didn't think this 'EDD' would have come so soon, but I guess that's what happens when you're not pregnant and not doing 'the countdown'.

It just sort of creeps up on you, and when I flipped my hanging calendar at work today, it just hit me. I've come a long way since then, I know, but this month was supposed to be joyous, and supposed to bring us a new baby to love and a new beginning. As the leaves are starting to change colour (I saw red leaves this morning on the way to work!) and the daylight is getting shorter, it just makes me sad feeling that I am no where near that joyous time of our lives just yet.

There is still so much hope for this month, I am not charting or anything fancy, just going with my 'magic days' that I know now based on the last two times we were successful. I started on baby aspirin a few weeks ago, and have doubled up my folic acid of no reason other than it can't hurt and I feel like I have to do something. I have my follow up dr.'s appt this Thursday to review the results of the bloodwork we did last Monday---I'm a bit apprehensive but dying to know if anything is out of sorts that we can address and fix for the next time. I think I might be hoping too much that something is wrong, which of course I don't want but at the same time, will give me a reason why it happened twice. I'm debating whether or not I should push for an HSG if there is 'no result' from the tests -- I'm leaning towards a yes..

September is here and I am accepting it. I don't have to like it but hopefully next year, this time, things will be different. For the better. :)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

BFFs - update

So I have mixed feelings about our get together the other night. I ended up spilling all and BFF was really emotional about it all and so it felt great to finally get it out and have her be included on my crazy world these past few months. But I guess the part that I have 'mixed feelings' about is that even though she received it well, I still don't feel like her and I are on the same page about other things in life, in general. I left that night feeling a bit out of sorts, but I guess to BFF, we were 'right on track' because she called me a bit later for a night cap and gushed about how even though we don't speak as often as we used to, it's like we pick right back up where we left off. Hmm. Clearly I must be good at pretending everything is 'just like it used to be? Huh. I do love her and treasure her friendship, but I don't think my outlook has changed on the current dynamics of our friendship - and that's fine too. I know that she is a true friend and has my best interests at heart and will be there when I do need her, so for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Like Clockwork

AF showed her ugly face again today. I am thankful that I am on a reg. 28 cycle but ooh I hate seeing her everytime she comes.


*non-IF post*

I'm lucky to have a great group of girlfriends, we get together every month to catch up over lunch, dinner, whatever works, as long as we get to see each other. Most of us have known each other since we were in grade school, so I'll call them the 'Lifelong Friends' group. I also have another set of close girlfriends that I met in university a decade ago - and one of them is my BFF (she was my maid of honor too). I've been having these conflicting feelings about our friendship lately - we used to be so close - we share the same outlook on life, we support each other spiritually, and have a fun time whenever we are together. Just lately, I've been feeling a silent distance grow in between us. I can't help but feel like I'm losing my BFF to what I can only explain is we are at completely different stages in our lives.

BFF is currently single, and completely engrossed in the party-and-meet-people scene. I love going out with friends but more for quality time and I haven't stepped foot into a club since my bachelorette party 3 yrs ago. BFF would rather go out on a weekend. I would love to curl up with some freshly popped popcorn and get lost in a movie with DH on Saturday night. BFF had an abortion years ago during a long term relationship that ended up broken. I lost two pregnancies unexpectedly. BFF wants to know everything about me when we get together. I still have not told her about miscarriage #2.

So we are getting together tonight to catch up - and I'm a bit wary of where the conversation might go. I want to spill all and tell her everything I've been going through these past few months - but at the same time - there is so much to say that I'm not even sure where to start. It's strange that I'm going through the toughest time in my life and my BFF has no idea...I cherish this friendship and I don't want it to be lost completely, but the events that have taken place in my life this year have changed me.
Here's hoping that tonight will shed some light on where this friendship is heading.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Appointment day, finally!

So as most of you know, getting this appointment today to see the OB was quite a feat but it was finally here. I woke up early, had my notepad and list of questions to ask, names of some tests that I wanted to ask about, and I was on my way out the door with plenty of time to spare. I got into the office 15 mins early, filled out some paperwork and then boom I was in at 10 on the dot.

Was I in the twilight zone?

I don't think I have ever actually had an appt that was on time. Ever. At my family dr.'s, I usually have to carve out a 3 hour time range, to account for travel to and fro (maybe 30 minutes tops) and the rest waiting in the sitting room and then another wait in the patient room. So needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

I was the lucky one today to be the 'guinea pig' of the young, soft spoken intern that ushered me into the patient room. She pulled out her brand new Bic pen and flipped my brand spanking new chart open and proceeded to ask me a series of questions about my history. I could tell she was nervous b/c she kept mixing up the dates of my 1st and 2nd m/c's, and the length of my cycle, flow patterns, medications, etc.

Painful as it was, she finally got it all down and went to get the real doctor.

Dr. K walked in briskly and proceeded to review all the questions that above mentioned intern (hereby known as newbie) had jotted down. I guess this was a good thing, just in case she penned something totally inaccurate - but really? do I have to keep repeating that I have had 2 pregnancies and yes, no children?

Anyhoo, I appreciated Dr. K's refreshing candor and 'to the point' approach. She told me what I had heard quite a lot of. That the cells just didn't come together and make a perfect baby, nature's way, yada yada. And that she is not at all concerned that I've had 2 back to back m/c's - and that there really isn't anything one can to do prevent one from happening.

-- btw, did I mention that the patient room was a bit small so there were only two chairs, one for me, the other Dr. K was sitting in, and newbie was also there, standing a few feet away 'observing'? it was quite odd.

I digress. Dr. K said there were a bunch of tests I could order (which I did) to give me some peace of mind; but that she didn't think I had lu.pus anti.coaglant anti.bodies b/c I didn't have the 'symptoms' but I could run the test if it were my choice to rule it out. All in all, she scribbled down 4 tests on the blood lab sheet and in hindsight, I'm kicking myself that I didn't ask her what she was writing down (I can barely read it - it's all squiggles)

I went to the lab a few floors below but it turns out that one of the tests is only collected /analyzed on Monday and Wednesdays (because of what, I have no idea - discount on couriers that day? shrug) so on the advice of the nurse, she thought I would probably only want to be pricked once vs. a few times (um yes, how did you know?)

woah - just staring outside at the crazy orange-y after a severe thunderstorm sky this evening. Apparently there were tornadoes touching down in a few places around Toronto - this is NOT normal.

I digress again. So long story short (guess not so short after all LOL) I really have no new answers BUT I am so glad to have finally talked to someone and calmed some of my nervous anxiety down. I'm going back to get the blood work done on Monday so hopefully in a week or so we will know if there is anything they can find with those tests. (I'm also going to ask the blood lab ppl, what I'm being tested for - geesh! )

* So update: my tests are for Lupus anticoagulant, RH, and antibodies - got drawn today (Monday) so hoping results come in sometime next week! another side note....I think AF is going to show her ugly self tomorrow...ugh

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

3 years ago today..

Three years ago today I said 'I do' to my best friend. On that day, around this time, I was relaxing with my friends/wedding party, taking photos and having a great time and just trying to take in every moment I could.

It was overwhelming so surreal, to be shown all that love and support from all of our family and dear friends - it brings me tears thinking of my walk down that long isle and how it all just hit me at once. I'm sure you all know what I mean..

In these three years, I've learned a lot about patience, compromise, and faith. I've also learned that what I thought was the extent of our love was really just the beginning. I've learned that even though I can't stand certain things about DH (like brushing his teeth while leaving the tap running, morning flatulations under the sheets, leaving his bowl with a few cheerios in the sink so they get all soggy - ugh!) that despite all these irritations, I cannot be more fortunate or happy to have met him 8 years ago and that we've both chosen each other to spend the rest of our lives on earth with. We have been able to support each other through the good and the bad times over the years (and this year especially :( - that I know we can get through anything we face. We don't know what is ahead of us but I know that with DH by my side - and our gracious God looking out for us from above -- that everything will be ok.

Happy Anniversary honey...I love you with all my heart.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Baby Dreams

Have you ever had a dream so vivid that when you wake up - it's like it was reality? No, not the one about making out with Beckham or Brad Pitt in a hot steamy mess, but just a real life type of dream... It happened to me last night - I had a beautiful dream and I truly believe it was a peek into our future and not a 'fantasy' dream. I was nursing my future baby girl and it was so clear, that I still feel how it felt to hold her, sway her back and forth to ease her crying, and how it felt when we showed her to our family for the first time. I could see our nursery, the chair I was rocking her in, and what I was singing to her. It was just so real. I couldn't get over how warm and good it felt to hold this baby. I woke up with a smile on my face because it filled me with such love and hope for this future little bean - what have your dreams been of lately?

Saturday, August 8, 2009


A bit lengthy but heartwarming - have a great weekend!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

a little reminder

God answers prayers in 3 ways:

1: Yes

2: Not Yet and

3: I have a better plan for you

I read this on a fellow bloggers' blog the other day and it just stuck in my mind. Just thought I would share it with you all and also have it be a reminder to me everytime I check my blog.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

...But I would rather still be pregnant

So I'm back in one piece from our early anniversary mini-getaway up north. We sort of planned this trip half heartedly b/c let's face it, we're not exactly rolling in extra dough but we still wanted to do something. Of course, leave it up to me to do all the researching of the accomodations, surrounding activities, what to see on the drive up etc. ,etc. (why is it that I'm always the one that ends up doing the legwork? Men.)

It was a ton of fun and lots of good ol' outdoor adventures and bonding time with DH - we went hiking, biking, and tree top trekking/zip lining. So halfway through the balance act of keeping my caribeaners in front of me (those clip things), my shaking thighs from trying to stay on the 2 inch cable supporting my entire body weight - I'm thinking wow this is crazy - I can't believe I'm suspended 20 ft in the air and only thing saving me is some rope around my crotch and a few clips - I'm so proud of myself for doing this!

But I would rather still be pregnant.

I know I shouldn't think like that (especially when I should be focusing on not plummeting to my death) but I couldn't help but think - of all the things that I got to do on the trip, even though I had a ton of fun and a memorable experience, I would take still being pregnant anyday.

But then I also thought to myself later on (while sipping on a mango bellini,no less - it was delish!) - I can't change what's happened in my life so far so all of the experiences I had this weekend were supposed to take place. I've learned how far I can push my body physically - and also where my limitations are - after this weekend - I have vowed to restart my fitness plan of eating better and committing to a regular exercise because I know that I've packed on a few pounds these past months.I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and really start taking care of myself. Because afterall, I want our future baby to have the best and healthiest home possible.
So I leave you with a few photos from the weekend:

Here I am ziplining - it's such a rush!

And here is one of the many courses throughout - fun but scary!

The view from our room...ahhh

Friday, July 31, 2009

Be more grateful, people!

So I'm sitting on my couch with TLC running in the background while I'm working away on my laptop and I look up and lo and behold 'A Baby Story' is on...I immediately reached for my remote to switch the channel (and I used to love watching this show) but then the intro said something about the couple having a hard time getting pregnant but now expecting their 2nd - so I was intrigued and a lil' curious and kept watching.

Fast forward 10 mins later during the 'how we got to this point in our lives' interviews -- and the mother started saying how she couldn't wait to 'not be pregnant anymore' and went on and on about how she was pregnant for 2 summers, pregnant for 2 birthdays, that the belly gets in the way of doing things, etc. - I literally said outloud 'WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM LADY?" Seriously, is being pregnant for 2 years really all that bad when you couldn't get pregnant for the first little while?

I would only be so lucky to have that 'problem'. Seriously, show a lil' gratefulness lady, so many women would give their kidney to be in the same boat!

So I switched the channel over to good ol' Food Network. At least the chefs don't complain about all the food they get to cook.
OK maybe not the greatest parallel but whatever. ;)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

And so it begins..

So lovely AF returned yesterday, right on time, exactly 28 days from the day I had my 2nd m/c. I'm thankful really, that my body bounced back much quicker than the 1st time (which took 12 weeks holy cow!) but now I'm like here we go again...

I guess it's ideal really because if I stay on sched of 28 days; and my specialist appt is on Aug 20 - then it would perfect timing to do the tests and see if I need to start beefing up on anything during my next cycle --- I've been preoccupied with a lot of things lately that have completely taken my mind off of this whole baby making business -- been visiting a lot these past weeks with good friends, spending quality time with my sister, and scheming up new ways of re-arranging the furniture in our living room (poor hubby lol)

*Robin update*
I was working from home on Monday and I'm so glad I did because I witnessed the baby robins' first flight out of the nest. *tear* I felt so happy watching them hopping in the backyard for a bit with their mom and dad -but unfortunately for us, they haven't returned to their nest since Monday. I said to DH that I felt sad they had left us so soon -- just like the two babies we never had. Might sound silly but I feel like God brought the robin family to us to show us that not only to stay faithful and hopeful, but that he is taking care of us and our baby-to-be, just like he took care of those two baby robins until they were ready to be born.

We have a long weekend coming up in Canada so I'm super excited to finally get away up north - going to try tree-top trekking with DH (I hope it doesn't rain b/c there is no way I am walking across trees 20 ft up in the air in a storm!) and maybe some hiking and just 'outdoor' stuff this weekend. We are celebrating our 3 yr wedding anniversary a bit earlier as it didn't work out with work schedules to take of the actual weekend of. Wish me luck! Hope to post some pictures of our weekend adventures shortly.. ;)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Six word stories

So I work in marketing and we were offsite at the ad agency yesterday for a workshop. We were asked to come prepared with a six word story describing ourselves - whether it be our life in a nutshell, a week, or a day in our life. I had never heard of this myself before so check it out at this link if you want: http://www.sixwordstories.net/

Interesting concept but so many "six word stories" can describe my life right now:

Happily married. two pregnancies. two miscarriages.
Frustrated yet not hopeless. Trying again.
Hate rude receptionists. Show some understanding.
Binging on junk.Need more exercise.

I decided all of the above that popped into my head right off the bat were just too personal. I decided with:

In desperate need of another vacation. :)

Update on referral nonsense: after another horrible conversation with the rude receptionist - i finally got the referral for August 20 to the specialist. Hallelujah!!

Next on my list is to search for another GP. I can't deal with this anymore! thanks for the supportive comments --gave me the courage to not take crap like this anymore from her!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Happy for Mama Robin

Just just a small update that the robin's baby hatched today! The mama is busy flying back and forth feeding it and I had to blog about it b/c as strange as it sounds,I am so happy for her! It's giving me hope that I soon will be able to feed my own dear baby one day! Been feeling a bit crampy lately and getting large zits on my face -- I really hope that means AF is coming and that I'm back to ovulating again! Still haven't heard from the dr.'s office -- UGH - why does everything take so long? I just want to know when I can go and talk to someone and get this all figured out! Looking forward to the weekend nonetheless - just hope it doesn't rain b/c we're going to a Jays game on Sunday for my dad's early birthday present ;)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just need to vent

My emotion has now turned to frustration - I'm fairly proactive about my healthcare but at this point, I feel like my 'fate' lies in someone else's hands.

Long story short, I had originally given the name of the OB that I happened to see in the emergency room during my first m/c - other than her, I knew of none other to suggest to my doctor (plus she was 5 mins away from my house) -- then I got talking to a few friends and was convinced that I should go with someone that I know has had success with etc. So I call my GP's office last week to change referrals and the receptionist is all like -well, I just made the other appt for you - and basically gave me a hard time until I just said - can you please just do this for me?!

Unfortunately, it turns out my friends' OB is booked all the way until Oct and I was like heck I'm sorry I can't wait -- so I had another OB in mind (b/c now that I've been talking to more gf's, the more positive stories - I know, I'm desperate but I can only go by what I know from other ppl, and ppl that I trust)

So I called my GP's office and the receptionist was just down right rude to me - she said - well - it's your fault - I got you an appt on the 23rd and you went and cancelled - you're just going to have to go and make the appt yourself -- I don't have time to keep making your referrals - do you know I do 50 of these in a day --- I was SO upset I said - I'M SORRY (?!) but I've been through 2 m/c in the past 6 months and I am only doing what I think is right for me to see the right specialist - even THEN she was like - well - I can't promise anything - you'll have to call the OB and confirm a date first -- THEN i'll fax them a referral.

What kind of person is that? I know I might be 'needy' and ideally, I would have liked to get it 'right' the first time, but since I wasn't booked for anything anyways, is it not my right to see the OB I think would have my best interest at heart?

The receptionist finally gave in and said 'fine just give me the information' -- and then to rub salt in the wound before she hung up - she's like - well i hope for your sake you don't get end up with an appt in Feb 2010 with this new OB


Just needed to vent it all out before I go to sleep tonight.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm jealous of the Robin outside my window

Is it weird that I'm jealous of the Robin that is sitting sweetly on her eggs, nestled in her nest just outside the window of my home office? Has it really come to this - that I'm envious of birds and animals for being able to have babies? *sigh*
Actually, I'm really more rooting for her. I hope that she never has to go through the pain of losing them. I hope that her babies grow and grow and that one day soon, I will wake up to the sweet chirping of her little ones. see top - actual pic of them! DH snapped this shot after climbing a ladder when mother robin was off getting some food).
Counting down the hours until the weekend begins! Lots of great girlfriend time this weekend - a few girls' nite back to back is just what I need!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Turning point

I woke up this morning feeling...refreshed? renewed? how is that possible when I was crying my eyes out two nights ago?

I think I've reached a turning point. While I'm still very much saddened/discouraged/disappointed in m/c #2 - I'm feeling like I'm going to find a way, find some answers, and that will be that. I don't feel ashamed in telling people (I've told family and started to tell a few close friends) and I don't burst into tears when I see a baby or pregnant women (I did the first time around)

I feel positive about what the future is going to hold. and that's how I'm hoping I'll stay for the next little while. Because honestly, being down in the dumps all the time just sucks.