Friday, July 3, 2009

Not meant to be. Again.

Wow. I'm really here. Exposed, vulnerable, heartbroken and in desperate need of an outlet. I've never blogged a day in my life but here goes nothing. Today is the calm after the storm. Last Saturday I woke up with the biggest urge to pee on a stick. So I did. and a faint BFP - really? like, seriously, really? I was scared out of my mind and didn't know how to tell hubby as he slept soundly in bed. We started trying (and when I say trying, it meant that we were ready to start a family and I went off bc in Dec 08 - within a month, I was pregnant - only to m/c in Feb 09 at 8 weeks 3 days). I remember thinking to myself - ok, maybe my body wasn't ready b/c I was on the pill for 9 years - and hey - at least I can get pregnant right?

It was still absolutely devasting. My cycle didn't come back until 12 weeks later - and then I left for a 3 week trip to visit with family - apart from hubby as he couldn't get time off of work. The Trip was a renewal for my mind, my body and my spirit- and when I got back I was ready and raring to give it another go. Little did I know that the first week I was back I got pregnant again - and as quickly as it came, baby #2 is now gone. I never gave myself the chance to really be happy with this pregnancy b/c I was so scared of losing it. I hate what miscarriage does to you - I feel so robbed of the joys of firsts - I desperately want to find out why me, why us - why now?

I feel betrayed by my body. I feel lost - but I have not lost hope. I had a bit of a cry last night and today here and there - but the logical side of me is saying - we'll do some tests, figure out if there is anything wrong, fix it, and all will be fine. Hubby has been wonderful and supportive - but why is it everytime I look into his eyes - I start welling up and thinking thoughts like "why can't I give you a child?"

Here's hoping for some answers soon. and praying for our blessing to come.

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