Monday, October 5, 2009

Picking up the pieces

Thank you for the overwhelming support last week, my dear fellow blogger friends.  I have been immersed so deeply in work since my last post, it has literally forced me to put what has happened aside and focus on the task at hand.  Unfortunately there was no shirking from my work responsibilities, considering that I was the project lead on an event that was 7 months in the making.  Needless to say, last week has got to be one of the toughest I've had to get through - especially when you have to put on a happy face (or at least, not puffy, swollen-from-crying face) and just 'deal with' the hand that I was dealt.  The bleeding stopped after 3 days, which was quite short but I guess if I wasn't pregnant for that long, there was less matter to pass (sorry, tmi) and there was no pain like there was the first two times. I guess if I have to be grateful for something, that would be it.  Imagine if I was running the event with a hundred clients wondering why this girl is keeled over in a corner? The sheer horror.

I met with my OB this afternoon. Might I mention that I walked into a room filled with preggos of every trimester, shape and size. Then there was lil' ol not-pregnant-anymore-me.  Please don't take it the wrong way, if you are currently preggers and reading this. I know you all remember what it felt like when everyone else in the room was with child but you - this is the feeling I was trying to convey and nothing else - I am so happy for all of you who are preggers now after such a long and difficult journey, you all are deserving of a mother of the year award for what you've already been through to get to this point.

Back to the appointment. She told me that what I had was a chemical pregnancy (similar to the 2nd time) - as the beta hcg was low and the second draw was already negative.  She said that there is little to say about egg quality or luteal phase at this point because I was not venturing into IVF land where these things would be monitored.  She did offer to refer me to the 'guru' of RPL, Dr. L, who specializes in auto immune diseases in pregnant women.  I am to wait for my appointment now and I can discuss what other tests I can or should be running, and if DH needs to be involved.  I googled Dr. L and if the reviews are legit, then I have a glimmer of some renewed hope.  Seems he specializes in recurrent m/c and has helped a number of women carry a baby successfully to term. I guess we will have to see about that. 
It has not been an easy week but I am, slowly,picking up the pieces of my heart.

I find it is the worst at night when I am lying awake with thoughts of what's to come, the crushing defeat, and heartache of starting all over again. 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers - I have a lot to catch up on - I see that there has been so much that has gone on in all of your lives that I have not been able to provide my support to - I apologize for that.

I still have not shared this with anyone and I'm not sure I'm going to yet.   So far,we are keeping it just between DH and me. And of course, the community here.  I know I'll need the support from family and friends down the road, but for now, this security bubble is where I feel the most safe at the moment.


  1. I will keep you in my prayers. Prayers for strength, healing, hope, peace for all that lies ahead.

  2. I have been thinking of you. I hope your new dr. can help you. I continue to hope this PG and our new lil Pea is a keeper. And I totally have my RE to thank for everything. I am so happy I decided to go to him. Most people wait until 3 miscarriages to be referred to an RE. My friend is the one who referred him to me after my 2nd miscarriage and lucky for me I could see him without a referral from another doctor since I have a PPO insurance. Especially since we had troubles even getting PG again and only finally did with the help of meds and injectibles.
    I really think a specialist will be able to give you some answers and help you soon have a full term PG!
    I am so sorry things had to end like they did for you again and just hope that very soon you will be PG again with your take home baby.

  3. I've been thinking of you, Wendy.
    I hope this doctor will give you some answers!

  4. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes work is a nice relief from emotions and memories. Hang in there, and know that I'm here for you.

  5. There is no need to apologize for sitting in a room with a whole bunch of pregnant women. We have all had to sit in that uncomfortable room.

    I hope that this doctor will give you answers and help you have a full-term, successful pregnancy. I will be thinking of you!

  6. Sometimes the "not being pregnant" is easier than the being pregnant and losing it. :( You're in my thoughts.

  7. I'm so glad you're going to see a specialist. You will find out what's going on and you will get pregnant again (quickly) and you'll maintain it. I have a good feeling about it. I also didn't share about my MCs with anyone...till one day I decided to share with a very close group of girlfriends and believe me, it was the best thing I've ever done. I wasn't sure how supportive they'd be since none of them are even in the TTC arena and wont be in the near future, but they were all so sympathetic and supportive. It really helped me when I was grieving to have that girlfriend support.

  8. Wendy,

    I am so sorry for your losses. I saw you on the 'Angel Wings' post on 'Fumbling Towards Motherhood'. I really hope that your new doctor can help.

    Every time I read about women sitting in waiting rooms full of pregnant women when they are suffering from pregnancy loss, it makes me so sad. So many women talk about this issue and I just wonder why doctor's offices can't do something about it. Seriously, I think it would be entirely appropriate to have separate waiting rooms so that women who understandably don't wish to sit in a room full of pregnant women don't have to in order to get medical care.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending positive energy your way.