Picking up the pieces

Thank you for the overwhelming support last week, my dear fellow blogger friends.  I have been immersed so deeply in work since my last post, it has literally forced me to put what has happened aside and focus on the task at hand.  Unfortunately there was no shirking from my work responsibilities, considering that I was the project lead on an event that was 7 months in the making.  Needless to say, last week has got to be one of the toughest I've had to get through - especially when you have to put on a happy face (or at least, not puffy, swollen-from-crying face) and just 'deal with' the hand that I was dealt.  The bleeding stopped after 3 days, which was quite short but I guess if I wasn't pregnant for that long, there was less matter to pass (sorry, tmi) and there was no pain like there was the first two times. I guess if I have to be grateful for something, that would be it.  Imagine if I was running the event with a hundred clients wondering why this girl is keeled over in a corner? The sheer horror.

I met with my OB this afternoon. Might I mention that I walked into a room filled with preggos of every trimester, shape and size. Then there was lil' ol not-pregnant-anymore-me.  Please don't take it the wrong way, if you are currently preggers and reading this. I know you all remember what it felt like when everyone else in the room was with child but you - this is the feeling I was trying to convey and nothing else - I am so happy for all of you who are preggers now after such a long and difficult journey, you all are deserving of a mother of the year award for what you've already been through to get to this point.

Back to the appointment. She told me that what I had was a chemical pregnancy (similar to the 2nd time) - as the beta hcg was low and the second draw was already negative.  She said that there is little to say about egg quality or luteal phase at this point because I was not venturing into IVF land where these things would be monitored.  She did offer to refer me to the 'guru' of RPL, Dr. L, who specializes in auto immune diseases in pregnant women.  I am to wait for my appointment now and I can discuss what other tests I can or should be running, and if DH needs to be involved.  I googled Dr. L and if the reviews are legit, then I have a glimmer of some renewed hope.  Seems he specializes in recurrent m/c and has helped a number of women carry a baby successfully to term. I guess we will have to see about that. 
It has not been an easy week but I am, slowly,picking up the pieces of my heart.

I find it is the worst at night when I am lying awake with thoughts of what's to come, the crushing defeat, and heartache of starting all over again. 

Please continue to keep me in your prayers - I have a lot to catch up on - I see that there has been so much that has gone on in all of your lives that I have not been able to provide my support to - I apologize for that.

I still have not shared this with anyone and I'm not sure I'm going to yet.   So far,we are keeping it just between DH and me. And of course, the community here.  I know I'll need the support from family and friends down the road, but for now, this security bubble is where I feel the most safe at the moment.