Thursday, August 27, 2009

BFFs - update

So I have mixed feelings about our get together the other night. I ended up spilling all and BFF was really emotional about it all and so it felt great to finally get it out and have her be included on my crazy world these past few months. But I guess the part that I have 'mixed feelings' about is that even though she received it well, I still don't feel like her and I are on the same page about other things in life, in general. I left that night feeling a bit out of sorts, but I guess to BFF, we were 'right on track' because she called me a bit later for a night cap and gushed about how even though we don't speak as often as we used to, it's like we pick right back up where we left off. Hmm. Clearly I must be good at pretending everything is 'just like it used to be? Huh. I do love her and treasure her friendship, but I don't think my outlook has changed on the current dynamics of our friendship - and that's fine too. I know that she is a true friend and has my best interests at heart and will be there when I do need her, so for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Like Clockwork

AF showed her ugly face again today. I am thankful that I am on a reg. 28 cycle but ooh I hate seeing her everytime she comes.


*non-IF post*

I'm lucky to have a great group of girlfriends, we get together every month to catch up over lunch, dinner, whatever works, as long as we get to see each other. Most of us have known each other since we were in grade school, so I'll call them the 'Lifelong Friends' group. I also have another set of close girlfriends that I met in university a decade ago - and one of them is my BFF (she was my maid of honor too). I've been having these conflicting feelings about our friendship lately - we used to be so close - we share the same outlook on life, we support each other spiritually, and have a fun time whenever we are together. Just lately, I've been feeling a silent distance grow in between us. I can't help but feel like I'm losing my BFF to what I can only explain is we are at completely different stages in our lives.

BFF is currently single, and completely engrossed in the party-and-meet-people scene. I love going out with friends but more for quality time and I haven't stepped foot into a club since my bachelorette party 3 yrs ago. BFF would rather go out on a weekend. I would love to curl up with some freshly popped popcorn and get lost in a movie with DH on Saturday night. BFF had an abortion years ago during a long term relationship that ended up broken. I lost two pregnancies unexpectedly. BFF wants to know everything about me when we get together. I still have not told her about miscarriage #2.

So we are getting together tonight to catch up - and I'm a bit wary of where the conversation might go. I want to spill all and tell her everything I've been going through these past few months - but at the same time - there is so much to say that I'm not even sure where to start. It's strange that I'm going through the toughest time in my life and my BFF has no idea...I cherish this friendship and I don't want it to be lost completely, but the events that have taken place in my life this year have changed me.
Here's hoping that tonight will shed some light on where this friendship is heading.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Appointment day, finally!

So as most of you know, getting this appointment today to see the OB was quite a feat but it was finally here. I woke up early, had my notepad and list of questions to ask, names of some tests that I wanted to ask about, and I was on my way out the door with plenty of time to spare. I got into the office 15 mins early, filled out some paperwork and then boom I was in at 10 on the dot.

Was I in the twilight zone?

I don't think I have ever actually had an appt that was on time. Ever. At my family dr.'s, I usually have to carve out a 3 hour time range, to account for travel to and fro (maybe 30 minutes tops) and the rest waiting in the sitting room and then another wait in the patient room. So needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

I was the lucky one today to be the 'guinea pig' of the young, soft spoken intern that ushered me into the patient room. She pulled out her brand new Bic pen and flipped my brand spanking new chart open and proceeded to ask me a series of questions about my history. I could tell she was nervous b/c she kept mixing up the dates of my 1st and 2nd m/c's, and the length of my cycle, flow patterns, medications, etc.

Painful as it was, she finally got it all down and went to get the real doctor.

Dr. K walked in briskly and proceeded to review all the questions that above mentioned intern (hereby known as newbie) had jotted down. I guess this was a good thing, just in case she penned something totally inaccurate - but really? do I have to keep repeating that I have had 2 pregnancies and yes, no children?

Anyhoo, I appreciated Dr. K's refreshing candor and 'to the point' approach. She told me what I had heard quite a lot of. That the cells just didn't come together and make a perfect baby, nature's way, yada yada. And that she is not at all concerned that I've had 2 back to back m/c's - and that there really isn't anything one can to do prevent one from happening.

-- btw, did I mention that the patient room was a bit small so there were only two chairs, one for me, the other Dr. K was sitting in, and newbie was also there, standing a few feet away 'observing'? it was quite odd.

I digress. Dr. K said there were a bunch of tests I could order (which I did) to give me some peace of mind; but that she didn't think I had lu.pus anti.coaglant anti.bodies b/c I didn't have the 'symptoms' but I could run the test if it were my choice to rule it out. All in all, she scribbled down 4 tests on the blood lab sheet and in hindsight, I'm kicking myself that I didn't ask her what she was writing down (I can barely read it - it's all squiggles)

I went to the lab a few floors below but it turns out that one of the tests is only collected /analyzed on Monday and Wednesdays (because of what, I have no idea - discount on couriers that day? shrug) so on the advice of the nurse, she thought I would probably only want to be pricked once vs. a few times (um yes, how did you know?)

woah - just staring outside at the crazy orange-y after a severe thunderstorm sky this evening. Apparently there were tornadoes touching down in a few places around Toronto - this is NOT normal.

I digress again. So long story short (guess not so short after all LOL) I really have no new answers BUT I am so glad to have finally talked to someone and calmed some of my nervous anxiety down. I'm going back to get the blood work done on Monday so hopefully in a week or so we will know if there is anything they can find with those tests. (I'm also going to ask the blood lab ppl, what I'm being tested for - geesh! )

* So update: my tests are for Lupus anticoagulant, RH, and antibodies - got drawn today (Monday) so hoping results come in sometime next week! another side note....I think AF is going to show her ugly self tomorrow...ugh

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

3 years ago today..

Three years ago today I said 'I do' to my best friend. On that day, around this time, I was relaxing with my friends/wedding party, taking photos and having a great time and just trying to take in every moment I could.

It was overwhelming so surreal, to be shown all that love and support from all of our family and dear friends - it brings me tears thinking of my walk down that long isle and how it all just hit me at once. I'm sure you all know what I mean..

In these three years, I've learned a lot about patience, compromise, and faith. I've also learned that what I thought was the extent of our love was really just the beginning. I've learned that even though I can't stand certain things about DH (like brushing his teeth while leaving the tap running, morning flatulations under the sheets, leaving his bowl with a few cheerios in the sink so they get all soggy - ugh!) that despite all these irritations, I cannot be more fortunate or happy to have met him 8 years ago and that we've both chosen each other to spend the rest of our lives on earth with. We have been able to support each other through the good and the bad times over the years (and this year especially :( - that I know we can get through anything we face. We don't know what is ahead of us but I know that with DH by my side - and our gracious God looking out for us from above -- that everything will be ok.

Happy Anniversary honey...I love you with all my heart.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Baby Dreams

Have you ever had a dream so vivid that when you wake up - it's like it was reality? No, not the one about making out with Beckham or Brad Pitt in a hot steamy mess, but just a real life type of dream... It happened to me last night - I had a beautiful dream and I truly believe it was a peek into our future and not a 'fantasy' dream. I was nursing my future baby girl and it was so clear, that I still feel how it felt to hold her, sway her back and forth to ease her crying, and how it felt when we showed her to our family for the first time. I could see our nursery, the chair I was rocking her in, and what I was singing to her. It was just so real. I couldn't get over how warm and good it felt to hold this baby. I woke up with a smile on my face because it filled me with such love and hope for this future little bean - what have your dreams been of lately?

Saturday, August 8, 2009


A bit lengthy but heartwarming - have a great weekend!!

Friday, August 7, 2009

a little reminder

God answers prayers in 3 ways:

1: Yes

2: Not Yet and

3: I have a better plan for you

I read this on a fellow bloggers' blog the other day and it just stuck in my mind. Just thought I would share it with you all and also have it be a reminder to me everytime I check my blog.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

...But I would rather still be pregnant

So I'm back in one piece from our early anniversary mini-getaway up north. We sort of planned this trip half heartedly b/c let's face it, we're not exactly rolling in extra dough but we still wanted to do something. Of course, leave it up to me to do all the researching of the accomodations, surrounding activities, what to see on the drive up etc. ,etc. (why is it that I'm always the one that ends up doing the legwork? Men.)

It was a ton of fun and lots of good ol' outdoor adventures and bonding time with DH - we went hiking, biking, and tree top trekking/zip lining. So halfway through the balance act of keeping my caribeaners in front of me (those clip things), my shaking thighs from trying to stay on the 2 inch cable supporting my entire body weight - I'm thinking wow this is crazy - I can't believe I'm suspended 20 ft in the air and only thing saving me is some rope around my crotch and a few clips - I'm so proud of myself for doing this!

But I would rather still be pregnant.

I know I shouldn't think like that (especially when I should be focusing on not plummeting to my death) but I couldn't help but think - of all the things that I got to do on the trip, even though I had a ton of fun and a memorable experience, I would take still being pregnant anyday.

But then I also thought to myself later on (while sipping on a mango bellini,no less - it was delish!) - I can't change what's happened in my life so far so all of the experiences I had this weekend were supposed to take place. I've learned how far I can push my body physically - and also where my limitations are - after this weekend - I have vowed to restart my fitness plan of eating better and committing to a regular exercise because I know that I've packed on a few pounds these past months.I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and really start taking care of myself. Because afterall, I want our future baby to have the best and healthiest home possible.
So I leave you with a few photos from the weekend:

Here I am ziplining - it's such a rush!

And here is one of the many courses throughout - fun but scary!

The view from our room...ahhh