Wednesday, March 31, 2010

8 weeks and 2nd ultrasound

Praise God there is still a baby in there!

With a beating heart of 158 bpm. 

Measuring on the dot at 8w0d.

and doubled in size from our u/s last week.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Know that I am thinking of and praying for each of you as well, everyday.  I pray that wherever you are in your journey you will wake up each day with renewed hope, and with a sense of peace.  I pray that all of your fears will be replaced by faith and that your questions about the future will be revealed in some actionable answers. 

As for me, no more tears, just a bit more hope and feeling of peace today. 

Monday, March 29, 2010

baby steps

Thank you all for your support and well wishes from my last post. You sure know how to make a girl feel loved and special :) 

After the high I experienced on Wednesday, I suddenly found myself on a rollercoaster ride I wasn't totally ready for. 

You see, DH and I agreed that after we saw baby and heartbeat on this ultrasound, we would tell our families we were pregnant.  A bit of back story is that the last 3 times we told them, I had already miscarried or I was in the process of miscarrying.  The 3rd pregnancy/loss was probably the worst time in our lives.  The week I found out I was pregnant the 3rd time, I told DH I didn't want to say anything to our families until we got some reassurance - in the form of rising betas.  I had only gone for my 1st beta (which was around 60 on 15DPO) and then I started miscarrying before I went in for my 2nd beta.  I told DH I didn't want to share with our family yet - it was still so fresh and I was trying to sort out my own thoughts and feelings.  

That weekend - I was upstairs watching tv while DH was downstairs in the man cave when he got a text on his cellphone.  His phone was on the foyer table so I picked it up to bring it down to him - and glanced at the message as I was heading down the stairs. 

I was hit with sudden anger and disappointment when I read the msg from one of my SILs - saying that she had just heard of our 3rd loss and was so sorry.  How did she know I was pregnant - and had just m/c when I had told my DH that I was not comfortable with sharing? I understand looking back now, that he needed to tell someone too, because the burden of sadness was just too much - but at that time, I was LIVID, absolutely furious, that he had 'gone behind my back' and I had felt betrayed b/c I had felt safe knowing that it was just between us at that moment.   Long story short, it blew up in mere moments. He got on the phone with my MIL (I found out he had told his parents we were pregnant literally a few days after my BFP) and was furious with her for telling my SIL, resulting in that text that I saw.  Needless to say, I told DH that if I couldn't trust him, who else could I trust?  

We talked it out and I got over my anger within a few days (he had no idea what kind of feelings I was dealing with - guilt, shame, failure) - and we promised each other that the next time we get pregnant, we would have to both be ready to share the news. 

So then came this pregnancy, numero quattro.  As each beta came in and brought with it a new glimmer of hope, DH's excitement grew and grew.  Before our u/s last week, I found myself in conversations with DH around ways we could tell our folks, only to be quickly shut down by my anxieties and fear of actually getting to tell them positive news vs. miscarriage news. 

But after we saw Sprout on the u/s, we went for brunch and excitedly started tossing around ideas we could realistically pull off, given a short runway of time (we had invited them over Friday night) and we finally decided on t-shirts. We would wear zip ups over them and both get up and pretend to fuss over which blu-ray movies we could watch, and then turn around to show them our 'options'.  It turned out to be the best reveal EVER. There were tears, there were screams, and lots of hugs to go around. 

But as the questions started coming in, I found myself retreating a little. That defense thing that we put up to protect ourselves 'in case anything bad should happen'.  I even told our families that because we were still early and that the fears of the previous losses are still fresh, that I would be uncomfortable talking to them about long term things such as baby furniture and schools - and they all understood.  At least I thought they did. 

Not 5 mins later did one my SILs ask - so have you thought of names?  I shook my head and turned away.  What is it about "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT LONG TERM THINGS DON'T YOU GET?" This includes names, gender, car seats, mat leave, everything! 

I know they are just excited, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long road ahead, in dealing with my fears and worries.  I don't want to be that pregnant lady who isn't excited in talking about the future but honestly, I can't really put myself there just yet. It is still so fresh and I am afraid that I might jinx it by getting too caught up.  The reveal on Friday is just about the furthest I can go right now. 

Other than that, I have still been feeling exhausted - usually starts early afternoon - and after I eat, I feel super gassy, bloated, and just overall gross. But if I don't eat, I still feel super gassy, bloated and overall gross.  Boobs are still sore and heavy. Queasiness comes and goes but really ain't bad at all.  Maybe I am one of the lucky ones? 

I leave you with a pic from Friday.  Hoping and praying that we continue to have many more milestones ahead to achieve.  

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Simply amazing

I looked back at my DH in the waiting room as I was led into the exam room. The technician told us that she would come and get him "once we got ready and can see the baby" 


I could feel my heart in my throat as I lay down on the examination table. The sweet older Polish ultrasound technician kept saying "don't worry, my darling, everything will be fine. click. click. click.  See?" 

I looked to the now-turned monitor and I could see my sweet lil' baby blob, and right in the middle an unmistakable, fast flickering heartbeat.  Tears streamed down my face as I felt an incredible wave of relief come over me and I was just in complete awe of what I was looking at.  What I've never been able to see in the last 3 pregnancies. What I've been waiting to experience. PRAISE GOD!!! 

She did a few more angles and did some more measurements, and then I was able to go and empty my bursting bladder to come back for the crotch cam session.  She also went to go and get DH in the waiting room so he could come in for the real measurements and 2nd part. 

As she proceeded, I glanced over at DH's face - he was in complete awe and amazement as he was trying to figure out which was what (at this time, he was only staring at my ute LOL) and with a turn of the wand, we saw the baby and that lil' heartbeat again.  It brings such a smile to my face thinking back to that heartbeat. It is just so amazing and it's something I will never ever forget.  DH exclaimed something like 'WOW you can see a beating heart!' and we just looked at each other and beamed. 

Then I calmed myself down a bit because there was still the big question mark of whether or not this lil' bean was measuring on target. 

Exactly on the mark. 7w0d. Which, counting back to my LMP - is precisely where I should be at today. She showed me the yolk sac, and where the baby's head would likely start to form.

Now the heartbeat. Holding breath again.  

She had to try twice to 'get in there' to get a recording of the heartbeat - I seriously couldn't breathe. 

142 bpm.  

The smile stayed permanently plastered on my face after that. 

So all in all, beaner is measuring 0.95cm, 7w0d, and 142 bpm.  I haven't even googled numbers or anything I'm just so so thankful that there is actually a baby in there and everything looks on track at the moment.  

I went over across the hall to my RE to stock up on some more P-sups. I was happy to finally meet Erin, a sweet girl that does the RPL studies for my doctor and tell her the good news. She was the one who had been giving me my betas over the phone and we had formed a bit of a friendship.  She told me to get back over to the u/s desk to book my repeat for next week.  NEXT WEEK! I get to see beaner again so soon? I guess it's procedure for them to make sure s/he is still growing - I'm not complaining of course, any chance I get to see this amazing sight I'll take! 

After we left, we went across the street to have brunch before I dropped DH off at work.  He recounted his side of the story as he was waiting for me in waiting area. He said he looked at the technician's face to get a read and was so relieved to see that she was smiling. He knew then everything was ok.

I will try my best not to get worked up about what I will see on the 8w0d ultrasound next week because today, my bloggy friends, today I saw my baby blob and I'm celebrating!! 

Here is s/he's first picture!! (I can't stop looking at it - even though I can't really make anything of it yet :)


Monday, March 22, 2010

Spring Cleaning and Week 7

Less than 2 days away (approx 44 hours) from the Big Ultrasound. 

But who's counting, right? eeps. 

So here we are entering into Week 7 on Wednesday. So far, so good I think. Generally feeling tired and on and off yuckiness. I woke up to pee this morning and freaked out that I felt my boobs weren't sore anymore. Went back to sleep and woke up a few hours later and the girls were achey and heavy again.  I know now firsthand that symptoms can come and go so I have got to get a grip and calm down. With the grace of God, I will have 33 more weeks of this to go and I'm sure this is just the beginning of the much anticipated journey ahead. Still haven't thrown up yet but as you ladies said in your supportive comments, puking is not exactly an indication of a healthy pregnancy either way, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt and just going with my other symptoms instead of focusing on that one. After all, as long as I have a healthy baby, who cares if I puke my guts out or not right? 

So this past weekend was a productive one.  I got into a spring cleaning mode and turned my closet and dressers upside down, finally ridding of shirts that no longer fit, shirts that I wanted to fit into but never got around to, and generally clothes that were pill-y and or not in good shape anymore that I kept 'just in case'.  

You know the clothes you hang onto because 'just in case' you'll need something for painting in, for that 'Where's Waldo' halloween costume or maybe a sailor costume', for doing yardwork in etc etc -- but I have T-shirts and I have 'home clothes' for that - so why was I hanging onto these things that were ratty and taking up room in my closet? I also wanted to make room for new clothes to come in - and after trying on several things that I just didn't want to let go, seeing how it looked on my body now confirmed that someone else could use it more than me.  

Have you guys started your spring cleaning yet?  I was totally exhausted after I did it but it felt so so good to let go of those things - I highly recommend doing it one weekend! 

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

MIL update

Earlier this year, I wrote about the sudden news of my MIL having breast cancer. Since the surgery, she was recovering well - but a few weeks back during her checkup, it was revealed that the type of cancer she had was the aggressive kind. What they thought was a year's worth of growth was in actuality only approx 6 months. 

After doing a full body scan and thankfully not finding anything, the doctor still felt that they should be proactive about the treatment and start chemo and radiation therapy to fully eliminate any trace of it.  She's been through 1 treatment since and every 21 days, another one - ongoing for a total of 18 treatments.  She has started losing some of her hair, so yesterday, DH and one of my SILs went over and helped her do a clean shave.  

I decided not to go b/c 1) I would break down and start crying and 2) I thought that something so personal should be shared with her children. 

DH came home in a bit of a numb state and said that he was ok- but I know he is just trying to be strong for everyone.  

I am scared and worried but I am also hopeful that these treatments will help eradicate this horrible thing and she will be in remission for a long long time. 

I know I've asked a lot of you all to pray for me and lil' bean already but please keep my MIL in your prayers too. She is such a strong woman and even though these treatments will run her down physically, I pray that her fight and passion for life will remain strong.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Week 6

So I'm into my 6th week. And so far, the only symptoms I've had consistently are sore bbs, bloating, cramping on and off, smell aversions, night sweats, pee during night and fatigue/constant yawning usually starting around 3 in the afternoon. I've been able to eat fine, go #2, and haven't yet thrown up. 

Oh how badly I want to throw up. 

I feel like I'm in limbo land.  I don't want to look back onto my posts next week and feel like an idiot for listing symptoms when there is no baby found on the u/s.  There, I said it outloud.  My greatest fear that I've been suppressing is out there for all to see. I am trying my best in reciting my Daily Mantra but I won't lie, it has not been easy.  

Recently, whenever DH and I talk about the near future - i.e. when planning our June trip, when talking about whether or not he will take more courses this year for his accreditation, it all leads back to 'if' things are going to be different then. 'If' November will be crazy busy for us with a new baby - or 'if' it will be business as usual. 

Next Wednesday can't get here fast enough. I just want the m/s to start kicking in so I can be somewhat reassured.  

Prayers needed, thanks!! 

p.s. Thanks to the newbies who dropped me a line in the last post - it's great to meet all of you and I'm following you now as well :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

Hi Newbies!

I've been noticing a few more followers in the past few weeks (that makes me feel so loved, yay!) and I just wanted to say a quick 'hi, how are ya!' and thanks! for visiting my little bloggy. 

Since I don't know some of you yet, I would love if you could leave a comment about yourself and your bloggy link so I can follow you back! 

Holla back y'all!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My Daily Mantra

Today I am pregnant. 

I cannot control whether or not this baby will live - only God knows that.

Reading about no heartbeats/yolk sacs/baby on 1st ultrasounds does not mean this will be my own outcome. 

I have been given a 4th chance, I cannot waste it on worrying.

and breathe.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Back on track

Good news ladies! 

Beta #3: 1208 (18dpo) - it more than doubled from Thursday's number! 

The nurse said it looked good and we proceeded to schedule my first u/s (!) for March 24. That should put me right smack in the mid-7 week mark.  I'm sure waiting for these betas will be nothing compared to the wait for this u/s!  For the record, I have never seen a yolk sac/baby, anything on an u/s - all other times I had m/c before getting the crotch cam so all I've seen is all black... this will literally be our first time and I think I might just faint!  

Please continue to keep us in your prayers,  I have felt wonderful knowing that I have all of you supporting me in prayer and in your wonderful comments of encouragement - how funny that our God is a 'high tech' God eh?  That He's using this blogging medium to bring together people like us - who have had similar life experiences and need the support and prayers?  Awesome! 

I'm floating on Cloud 9 right now and I hope I stay this way after March 24th :) 

Symptom watch: 

Smells are starting to make its appearance - I was on my way home from brunch with my parents and picked up a chicken carbo.nara sub for my hubby (he was studying for a finance exam) - and one whiff of it in the car totally grossed me out.  Then a few times during cooking and also when we went over for potluck at my in-laws on Sunday - the food I had made (which was delish) was giving me waves of gag-ness on the car ride up. 

Still tired ALL the time. I wake up tired, want to take a nap during the day, (which - btw, I took one this past Saturday pm and it was GLORIOUS - just fantastic!) - just low energy over all.

Frequent trips to the bathroom (both 1 and 2 actually) - and lately around 3 or 4 am-ish (just #1 LOL). 

Sorrre bbs.  Also enlarged aerolas (like holy saucers -- sorry for the visual) and a few darker veins too.

The cramps from last week have worn off - at least for now - but I will get the odd 'sensation' here and there but it may just be gas, who knows for sure ;)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Staying positive

Beta #1: 328  (14DPO - noon-ish)
Beta #2: 538 (16DPO - early am)

So I'm taking deep breaths again.  My heart sank a little (ok - alot) when the nurse told me my 2nd beta. It hasn't doubled perfectly, but good news is that it is on the rise.  I couldn't resist plugging it into the chart so this is what it looks like: 

She would like me to go and do a 3rd beta, if I can tomorrow so we can get the result for Monday.  I'm not exactly sure what to make of the numbers at this point.  I just googled for the last 10 mins on 'betas not doubling but still ok' and find myself having hope when I see that 60% or higher is usually still considered good but then moments later I'll stumble on a sad story and my heart sinks again.

So back over to you, God. Please continue to watch over us.  I'm giving my worries and anxiety to you, Lord. We will continue to trust that you have the best in store for us so however your story (and this new life) unfolds, we will be ok with.  My heart is delicate and my emotions are frail, but my faith in You is strong. 

On the symptom front, my boobs are quite sore (I'm wearing a sleeping bra now to support the girls), I have had lots of 'action' in the ute area - it is like AF cramping and the odd weird twinge (I can usually feel it more lying in bed at night) - no spotting.  Tired as anything - can't stop yawning.  Sometimes dizzy when I get up too fast.  

Thank you for your undying support and please continue to keep us in your prayers! 

Have a great weekend everyone! 

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I wasn't prepared for this


My first beta results came back and it's 328. At around 14 DPO.


I asked the nice lady to repeat herself. and then double check the name on that test.  and then to confirm my birthday to make sure there were no other Wendy's with a beta score of that caliber. 

I'm blinking, I'm in shock and I am was not prepared for this number.  As my other betas in the last 2 pregnancies have been an Epic Fail in my books - I have never, ever been in the 100's , let alone the 300's at this stage in the game (and have known it - my 1st pregnancy I was naive and the dr. never asked me to go for blood tests - I had my first blood draw at 8 weeks - which then I was already m/c'ing) 

I know enough not to base everything off of the first beta, and I don't want to get my hopes up too much - because the real test will be to see if this puppy will double in tomorrow's draw. Please continue to send your prayers and positive vibes my way because we really need them.  I said in my post on Monday that I prayed for calmness and peace and every time my thoughts started running to 'that scary place' - I would be immediately comforted and soothed by asking for God's grace and for Him to step in. And He did. over and over again.  

Thank you for your positive comments and supportive prayers all you lovely ladies!  I've only been able to talk to DH and you ladies about all of this and it feels so great to have this 'secret army' of awesome chicas that know me better than some real-life ppl do! 

Please double! Please keep growing lil'bundle of cells!!


Monday, March 1, 2010


The line on the HPT this morning, that is. It was unmistakable and clear as could be.

I'm relieved to see it but the real 'hurdle' will be waiting for the upcoming betas this week. Please continue to pray that my heart and mind remain peaceful and for this miracle inside to keep growing healthy and strong. 

Thank you all for your comments and support from the last post - I had the best weekend just kicking back, lazying around and enjoying THE BEST HOCKEY GAME EVER. I seriously screamed so much at the tv last night I think I might have peed my pants.  Ok just kidding. Almost but not quite.

Tomorrow morning I'm going in for my first draw, and then likely again on Thursday I suspect. 

And away we go. ;)