Friday, July 31, 2009

Be more grateful, people!

So I'm sitting on my couch with TLC running in the background while I'm working away on my laptop and I look up and lo and behold 'A Baby Story' is on...I immediately reached for my remote to switch the channel (and I used to love watching this show) but then the intro said something about the couple having a hard time getting pregnant but now expecting their 2nd - so I was intrigued and a lil' curious and kept watching.

Fast forward 10 mins later during the 'how we got to this point in our lives' interviews -- and the mother started saying how she couldn't wait to 'not be pregnant anymore' and went on and on about how she was pregnant for 2 summers, pregnant for 2 birthdays, that the belly gets in the way of doing things, etc. - I literally said outloud 'WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM LADY?" Seriously, is being pregnant for 2 years really all that bad when you couldn't get pregnant for the first little while?

I would only be so lucky to have that 'problem'. Seriously, show a lil' gratefulness lady, so many women would give their kidney to be in the same boat!

So I switched the channel over to good ol' Food Network. At least the chefs don't complain about all the food they get to cook.
OK maybe not the greatest parallel but whatever. ;)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

And so it begins..

So lovely AF returned yesterday, right on time, exactly 28 days from the day I had my 2nd m/c. I'm thankful really, that my body bounced back much quicker than the 1st time (which took 12 weeks holy cow!) but now I'm like here we go again...

I guess it's ideal really because if I stay on sched of 28 days; and my specialist appt is on Aug 20 - then it would perfect timing to do the tests and see if I need to start beefing up on anything during my next cycle --- I've been preoccupied with a lot of things lately that have completely taken my mind off of this whole baby making business -- been visiting a lot these past weeks with good friends, spending quality time with my sister, and scheming up new ways of re-arranging the furniture in our living room (poor hubby lol)

*Robin update*
I was working from home on Monday and I'm so glad I did because I witnessed the baby robins' first flight out of the nest. *tear* I felt so happy watching them hopping in the backyard for a bit with their mom and dad -but unfortunately for us, they haven't returned to their nest since Monday. I said to DH that I felt sad they had left us so soon -- just like the two babies we never had. Might sound silly but I feel like God brought the robin family to us to show us that not only to stay faithful and hopeful, but that he is taking care of us and our baby-to-be, just like he took care of those two baby robins until they were ready to be born.

We have a long weekend coming up in Canada so I'm super excited to finally get away up north - going to try tree-top trekking with DH (I hope it doesn't rain b/c there is no way I am walking across trees 20 ft up in the air in a storm!) and maybe some hiking and just 'outdoor' stuff this weekend. We are celebrating our 3 yr wedding anniversary a bit earlier as it didn't work out with work schedules to take of the actual weekend of. Wish me luck! Hope to post some pictures of our weekend adventures shortly.. ;)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Six word stories

So I work in marketing and we were offsite at the ad agency yesterday for a workshop. We were asked to come prepared with a six word story describing ourselves - whether it be our life in a nutshell, a week, or a day in our life. I had never heard of this myself before so check it out at this link if you want:

Interesting concept but so many "six word stories" can describe my life right now:

Happily married. two pregnancies. two miscarriages.
Frustrated yet not hopeless. Trying again.
Hate rude receptionists. Show some understanding.
Binging on junk.Need more exercise.

I decided all of the above that popped into my head right off the bat were just too personal. I decided with:

In desperate need of another vacation. :)

Update on referral nonsense: after another horrible conversation with the rude receptionist - i finally got the referral for August 20 to the specialist. Hallelujah!!

Next on my list is to search for another GP. I can't deal with this anymore! thanks for the supportive comments --gave me the courage to not take crap like this anymore from her!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Happy for Mama Robin

Just just a small update that the robin's baby hatched today! The mama is busy flying back and forth feeding it and I had to blog about it b/c as strange as it sounds,I am so happy for her! It's giving me hope that I soon will be able to feed my own dear baby one day! Been feeling a bit crampy lately and getting large zits on my face -- I really hope that means AF is coming and that I'm back to ovulating again! Still haven't heard from the dr.'s office -- UGH - why does everything take so long? I just want to know when I can go and talk to someone and get this all figured out! Looking forward to the weekend nonetheless - just hope it doesn't rain b/c we're going to a Jays game on Sunday for my dad's early birthday present ;)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Just need to vent

My emotion has now turned to frustration - I'm fairly proactive about my healthcare but at this point, I feel like my 'fate' lies in someone else's hands.

Long story short, I had originally given the name of the OB that I happened to see in the emergency room during my first m/c - other than her, I knew of none other to suggest to my doctor (plus she was 5 mins away from my house) -- then I got talking to a few friends and was convinced that I should go with someone that I know has had success with etc. So I call my GP's office last week to change referrals and the receptionist is all like -well, I just made the other appt for you - and basically gave me a hard time until I just said - can you please just do this for me?!

Unfortunately, it turns out my friends' OB is booked all the way until Oct and I was like heck I'm sorry I can't wait -- so I had another OB in mind (b/c now that I've been talking to more gf's, the more positive stories - I know, I'm desperate but I can only go by what I know from other ppl, and ppl that I trust)

So I called my GP's office and the receptionist was just down right rude to me - she said - well - it's your fault - I got you an appt on the 23rd and you went and cancelled - you're just going to have to go and make the appt yourself -- I don't have time to keep making your referrals - do you know I do 50 of these in a day --- I was SO upset I said - I'M SORRY (?!) but I've been through 2 m/c in the past 6 months and I am only doing what I think is right for me to see the right specialist - even THEN she was like - well - I can't promise anything - you'll have to call the OB and confirm a date first -- THEN i'll fax them a referral.

What kind of person is that? I know I might be 'needy' and ideally, I would have liked to get it 'right' the first time, but since I wasn't booked for anything anyways, is it not my right to see the OB I think would have my best interest at heart?

The receptionist finally gave in and said 'fine just give me the information' -- and then to rub salt in the wound before she hung up - she's like - well i hope for your sake you don't get end up with an appt in Feb 2010 with this new OB


Just needed to vent it all out before I go to sleep tonight.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'm jealous of the Robin outside my window

Is it weird that I'm jealous of the Robin that is sitting sweetly on her eggs, nestled in her nest just outside the window of my home office? Has it really come to this - that I'm envious of birds and animals for being able to have babies? *sigh*
Actually, I'm really more rooting for her. I hope that she never has to go through the pain of losing them. I hope that her babies grow and grow and that one day soon, I will wake up to the sweet chirping of her little ones. see top - actual pic of them! DH snapped this shot after climbing a ladder when mother robin was off getting some food).
Counting down the hours until the weekend begins! Lots of great girlfriend time this weekend - a few girls' nite back to back is just what I need!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Turning point

I woke up this morning feeling...refreshed? renewed? how is that possible when I was crying my eyes out two nights ago?

I think I've reached a turning point. While I'm still very much saddened/discouraged/disappointed in m/c #2 - I'm feeling like I'm going to find a way, find some answers, and that will be that. I don't feel ashamed in telling people (I've told family and started to tell a few close friends) and I don't burst into tears when I see a baby or pregnant women (I did the first time around)

I feel positive about what the future is going to hold. and that's how I'm hoping I'll stay for the next little while. Because honestly, being down in the dumps all the time just sucks.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Not meant to be. Again.

Wow. I'm really here. Exposed, vulnerable, heartbroken and in desperate need of an outlet. I've never blogged a day in my life but here goes nothing. Today is the calm after the storm. Last Saturday I woke up with the biggest urge to pee on a stick. So I did. and a faint BFP - really? like, seriously, really? I was scared out of my mind and didn't know how to tell hubby as he slept soundly in bed. We started trying (and when I say trying, it meant that we were ready to start a family and I went off bc in Dec 08 - within a month, I was pregnant - only to m/c in Feb 09 at 8 weeks 3 days). I remember thinking to myself - ok, maybe my body wasn't ready b/c I was on the pill for 9 years - and hey - at least I can get pregnant right?

It was still absolutely devasting. My cycle didn't come back until 12 weeks later - and then I left for a 3 week trip to visit with family - apart from hubby as he couldn't get time off of work. The Trip was a renewal for my mind, my body and my spirit- and when I got back I was ready and raring to give it another go. Little did I know that the first week I was back I got pregnant again - and as quickly as it came, baby #2 is now gone. I never gave myself the chance to really be happy with this pregnancy b/c I was so scared of losing it. I hate what miscarriage does to you - I feel so robbed of the joys of firsts - I desperately want to find out why me, why us - why now?

I feel betrayed by my body. I feel lost - but I have not lost hope. I had a bit of a cry last night and today here and there - but the logical side of me is saying - we'll do some tests, figure out if there is anything wrong, fix it, and all will be fine. Hubby has been wonderful and supportive - but why is it everytime I look into his eyes - I start welling up and thinking thoughts like "why can't I give you a child?"

Here's hoping for some answers soon. and praying for our blessing to come.