Wednesday, September 30, 2009

3rd strike

If I were a major league baseball pitcher, I would be happy. But instead, I am drained, numb, disappointed and sad.  This is how I have been feeling for the past 24 hours. I started spotting brown Monday night, before going to bed. By Tuesday morning, the brown turned to red. I had to go into work yesterday because I had a few face to face meetings that I could not miss due to a big event I am running tomorrow and Friday.  But then it started, at work no less.  Dull cramps (not painful like my other 2 m/c) but clots passing. I feared the worst.  I know the worst. 

I called my OB office and left a vm and they immediately called me back.  My OB still wants me to do my blood draw today and then come in to see her on Monday.

I went home early yesterday after my meetings and just changed into my flannel pj's and curled up on the couch with some herbal tea.  Absorbed myself in whatever was on TV until my hubby came home and the floodgates opened. I cried but I did not wail. Just hot tears running down my face in disbelief that we are back at this point again.  I am just so heartbroken.

My hubby was great, as always - but how many times can we go through this until it has a happy ending?
I am numb, I want to cry but I have no more energy left.
I just need to get through this week with my work commitments and then I need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. 
Thank you all for your prayers and support during my brief week and a half that I knew I was pregnant.  
I gave this pregnancy over to God the day I found out, but again, I guess he had better plans for us.

I'll find out the results of the blood draw tomorrow, but I already know what they will be.

23 comments:

  1. Oh Wendy, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry. I wish that I could say "it gets easier", but it really doesn't. I, too, gave my babies over to the Lord the moment I found out I was pregnant. I take comfort in knowing that they are with Him, and He can love them so much more than I ever possibly could on earth. I am so incredibly sorry. You are in my prayers. If there is anything that I can do--even just specific prayers--please let me know. I'm thinking of you.

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  2. Wendy, I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to take away your pain. I will continue to think about you and keep you in my prayers.
    You have so much going on at work - can you ask anyone to help you out?
    I'm so sorry.

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  3. Wendy this is such sad news. I am terribly sorry. I so badly wish I could take the pain away for you. I will be praying for you.

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  4. Oh Wendy, I am so sorry. I know so well what you are going through right now and wish I could take the pain away and tell you that everything is okay. It *will* be okay, but it isn't right now, and that isn't fair. But you will get through this. Cling to DH and sleep for days if that is what will help you right now. Do what you need to, and grieve for as long as you need to. I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Aw, I'm so sorry to hear this. Last month was a very hard month for me as well. Lots of time spent crying, sleeping, and laying on the couch. Somehow though, the magic and excitement always comes back! It's crazy.

    I started a Bible study last month. It's called First Place 4 Health. It focuses on all aspects of health (spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical). It has really helped me because I was feeling very low in all 4 areas last month.

    Heavenly father I pray that Wendy will know your comfort. Give her your peace and let her know your blessings in this time of need. Amen.

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  6. Oh no!! I am sooooo sorry. This post brought tears to my eyes. I really hoped this was your time and that things would be perfect this time. I thought your good blood results would surely bring happiness this time.
    AGain I am sorry and you are in my thoughts. :*(

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  7. I am so sorry. I can't remember how I linked to your blog, but I have been checking in on you every couple of days for the past week or two. This is so so hard.

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  8. Wendy I am so so sorry. It just isn't fair. I was really hoping this would be your moment to shine. I know there's nothing I can do to make this hurt less, but please know my heart sunk when I read your post. I hate that you have to go through this. I'm sending you a ((BIG HUG)). I hope you can get some quiet time away from work very soon. Keep posting your thoughts, it helps to talk things out. We're all here for you during this difficult time. Take care of yourself.

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  9. Wendy, I'm so sorry. Words are never enough for a time like this. After you've had a chance to grieve, I'd start looking into answers. Your blood tests came back normal. You know you can get pregnant (easily, which is a feat that many have yet to overcome). Now the question is, why cant you sustain a pregnancy. I'm a huge huge advocate for checking out your uterus and its shape (since that was my story) and I'd push for that. I'd also try to do research as to other causes for MC, b/c I wouldn't say that 3 MCs in a row (all within 1 year) is "normal." See if you can get referred to a specialist. You'll get your baby (and probably soon). I'm sure of it.

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  10. p.s. nothing in my history pointed to any uterine issues either, but I still had a subseptate uterus that we would have never discovered had I not requested an HSG.

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  11. I am so sorry. I have been praying for you that this would be your healthy baby. I really hope that y'all get all the answers to why you have suffered as many m/cs as you have. Please know that I am thinking about you.

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  12. I know all too well what you are going through. It sucks and it's heart breaking, gut wrenching stuff but you'll somehow pick yourself back up and try again. i would get some fertility meds before you try again, there's obviously some issue there and I believe the meds will help. I know every situation is not the same but your history sounds so much like mine and the meds did the trick for me. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  13. I was really hoping for you... that this would be your time. I'm so sorry.

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  14. Hello Wendy, I came over from LFCA and sending huge hugs. I just suffered my second loss. I am working with my docs on the cause, but have already been through so many tests....if you want some advice or things to ask about I am happy to help. I am so sorry for your losses.

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  15. I'm so sorry. This is just heartbreaking. Noone should have to experience these kind of losses. You're in my thoughts.

    You probably don't want to think about the future right now, so just ignore this next part if you're not in the mood, but I'm going echo what some other people have said and suggest that you get some more testing.

    I've seen so many cases where the doctor said that recurrent losses were just bad luck, but then the explanation turned out to be a balanced translocation or PCOS or a uterine septum. (my apologies if these issues have already been ruled out for you, I'm just giving possibly totally irrelevant examples)

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  16. I'm here from LFCA. I wanted to let you know that I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope you get some answers soon, bringing you a completely healthy and happy pregnancy.

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  17. Here from LFCA and just wanted to say I'm sorry.

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  18. Am so so so so sorry. This is horrible. There are no words I can say. You are in my thoughts. *hugs*

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  19. Here from LFCA, my heart bleeds for you. There are many things we don't understand.....we can't understand..... hugs to you. Hoping you get some answers.
    Marie

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  20. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope that you find strength and healing in the coming weeks and months and some answers to help you in the future!
    My thoughts are with you.

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  21. From LFCA...

    Sending hugs and prayers. As a miscarriage and infant loss mommy, it breaks my heart to know that you are going through this.

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  22. Unfortunately I too know all to well what you're going through. 10 years ttc and 4 miscarriages and just had a suspected 5th....it's heartbreaking and unfortunately I have no words that can help nor take the pain away thought I truly wish that I did....have faith, you will get your little miracle...

    xxx

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