My world is crumbling around me and I don't know how to stop it.
We got word on Sunday that my MIL has breast cancer, and that she will be having surgery this Friday to remove her left breast. She knew since November and didn't tell the family. DH is so upset (even though he is trying to be strong) and I, well I am looking up to God and asking why. I am stunned, I am in denial, and I'm scared for our family.
I keep thinking back to Christmas, how fun it was, how happy everyone was, and how none of us had any clue what was going on b/c my MIL did not want to 'ruin' the holidays for us (at least that's what DH told me that was her reasoning). I wish she would have told us sooner so we could be there to support her through this lonely and scary time.
And I know I should only be thinking about how horrible breast cancer is and how it is going to forever change our lives but why is it then, that I can't stop thinking that I 'lost' the 'race' to become pregnant first?
You see, just today, one of my best friends (the one who miscarried in November last year) called me and told me she wasn't in the office in the last few weeks because she was so nauseous from being pregnant. She is now 7 weeks along.
I am truly happy for my friend but as she was telling me how she couldn't keep anything down and how she would pass out at 3 pm - I could not help but feel a yearning, an 'I'd give anything to be in your shoes' feeling and wishing instead I would be the one to throw up everything I eat and be tired after a few hours of work. She was talking about midwives vs. OB etc etc and I was literally tuning in and out because I was trying to process everything and make sure that I express to her how happy I am for her and that this is her time.
Having cancer is probably the worst news anyone can ever get in their lives. I feel like my problems are so minute it doesn't even compare. I'm in a bad place right now, friends. and I'm not sure how to cope.