Appointments, schma-ppointments

Tomorrow - 1st Appt with new endocrinologist at hospital 
Oct 11 - IPS Screening at 12w2d 
Oct 16 - Part 2 IPS / Blood draw
Oct 29 - 1st Appt with High-risk OB at hospital

and oh btw in between there I'm planning a 2 year old's bday party, have Cdn Thanksgiving, two weddings back to back - boy, October is looking mighty busy!  

A bit nervous for next week's IPS, I just can't believe we're at this point already. I'm mentally prepared to get bad news. How awful is that?!?? I just hope I can regain some confidence and raw hope that I once had - but I know it will never be the same until I am holding a live baby.  

I've definitely popped sooner than last time with Elliott, and I've been getting some raised eyebrows at work from other ppl (only some close friends at work/my mgr's know) even though I've been wearing jackets over dresses, it just looks suspicious. I think I might be going crazy but I swear I can feel something - in fact, I am sure I can feel some bubbles and flips and it's not my imagination.  I don't recall when I felt it with Elliott, probably not until way into 2Tri but for some reason I'm just getting this feeling at night time especially.  Or maybe I should lay off the Halloween candy.... 

;) 

Will keep you ladies posted on the outcomes of next week....

Waiting

Hi friends,
So, I'm still pregnant. 

It feels surreal to say it, but I'm 10w1d now and already starting to show. It's starting to get really real. 

We saw Cell* via the dating ultrasound 2 weeks ago requested by the high risk OB (still haven't gotten an appt yet, they need 'proof' before they accept the referral) and I was fully prepared to hear the ultrasound tech say 'well, there isn't anything in there, just your imagination and a bunch of lemon pee sticks that tricked you".  

I even asked after the first few clickety clicks "so..is there something there?"  The tech laughed and said 'OH YES. there definitely is, I just haven't gotten to the baby yet I'm still taking measurements of your uterus'.  

Heart thump. (mine) 

DH was standing behind the tech secretly recording the whole thing (he got into trouble for taking a pic so decide to take a video on his phone instead, tsk.) and about 5 minutes later when the tech moved onto the baby - he says "oh wow, there's the heart beating!" 

Double heart thump.  (mine) 

By LMP compared to the actual measurements, I was ahead by 1 day but it was accurate based on my oh-so-factual online calculator I had done before going into the appt.  Exactly 8w6d. Heart BPM 164.  

I haven't had any other bloodwork done since back in August when we were confirming the pregnancy, but all the symptoms are there.  Chest has filled out once again, super overload of discharge (we're beyond TMI here ladies), extremely sore breasts in the morning and when I poke them during the day. Smells get to me. Certain food textures get to me. Feeling ligament stretchiness down there. Oh and the unmistakeable once a gut but now can't suck it in bump.  

Yet still, I am not letting myself go there. I'm not letting myself be overly excited or happy.  There are so many questions that only God knows what He has planned for our family.  I saw another surgeon on Thursday, apparently he was about to do a thyroidectom.y on a pregnant woman in her 2nd tri, also with Graves but she was unable to control her thyroid levels even with high doses of medication.  He checked me out and said I may not need to have surgery, lots of women with Graves go on to have healthy pregnancy and babies. 

Really? 

Glimmer of hope there.

So that's my update for now healthwise, I'm tired as ever and I just want to nap all day but alas, I still need to earn a paycheck.  Hoping to get Elliott started on potty training soon (I'm so nervous) and save some $$ on diapers.  He's been having a lot more outbursts/tantrums lately and although he does eventually come out of them, it's so hard to keep your cool when you have a little child screaming and crying and not being consoled no matter what trick in the bag you can pull.  It gets exhausting but I'm praying that this too shall pass and it's part of the terrible two's phase everyone talks about. 

The other 90 percent of the time he is still one happy energetic, curious and playful almost 2 year old (1 more month!). I hold and hug E so tight every day and count my blessings each time I see him learn something new or add another new word to his vocabulary.  He is the brightest little boy I know and every one that meets him gushes about him to me.  I really am the proudest mom ever.



*I know that it is no longer a ball of cells but DH and I referred to the back then ball of cells so we wouldn't get too attached, knowing all the circumstances.  Kinda of stuck. Not the most endearing of names but it works as a sort of emotional barrier for now.

Unimaginable Part Deux

So have we all come out of shock yet? I haven't.

Also for the record, you all are so sweet, but my dear boy is not 2 until October hehe. 

Ok on we go with the rest of the developing story: 

DH and I walked back to the parking lot after leaving the hospital, speechless at first and then exclaiming, "can you believe this is happening?" several times. DH couldn't help but start getting excited and talking about how we should think about moving E to a big boy room and oh, this too. STOP. I hadn't for one second thought that this was all going to end up in a real live, healthy baby because truth is, friends, I was/am SCARED TO DEATH. I never imagined that me finding out I was pregnant would be in front of hospital staff and mere strangers, and I never thought that I would get pregnant with Graves Disease, given all the statistics.  More importantly I couldn't help but think, that this pregnancy is doomed from the start. Call me Debbie Downer but I need to protect myself and not get TOO HOPEFUL.

So I saw my endo the very next day and got gold stars on my 'attitude' about it. Which was, I want to do whatever it takes to get healthy again, and healthy enough to sustain this pregnancy to term.  However that being said, I will not be distraught if this pregnancy ends up in miscarriage because I knew the odds. My endo was actually really surprised at how calm I was and that she said I still needed to have the surgery, but will have to consult with the surgeon the pros vs. cons.  I've since been referred by my surgeon to a high risk OB and a fellow surgeon at a sister hospital. Appointments will be late September.  For now, I think they want to wait and see (as do I ) in terms of what will unfold naturally. 

Let me pause here. 


In the past 2 weeks since we found out I was pregnant, I have actually been feeling great (with reference to my Graves) I haven't had anxiety, heart palpitations, eye issues diminished, etc).  I have felt queasy and nauseous at times but never throwing up.  Tired as ever. Stretchy and crampy down there through week 5. Thought to myself 'oh here we go' but nothing. No spotting, nothing.  We're into week 6 as of this past Tuesday.

What worries me too, is that I hadn't taken any prenatal vitamins since E was born. I started again the day I found out I was pregnant. 
I also had wine during the weekend when I was away on a girl's trip to the cottage. And lots of junk food. 

There are so many things that I didn't prepare for and I feel guilty and responsible. But at the same time, I am bewildered and thankful that God sent us this glimmering hope, that, even if this pregnancy does not work out, that I could possibly still get pregnant down the road.  

Oh and of course the betas. I haven't really kept track of when I ovulate but but 2 sets of beta are the following: 

Beta #1: 145 
Beta #2: 325

Doubling time 41.2 hours. 

I'm not going to look too much into it - right now it's still so early and anything could happen.  I don't want to be crushed again.

Unimaginable Part One

Hi friends, it's been a while.  A LONG. while.  

Lots and lots to update on, hmmm, where do I start? 

Elliott will be TWO in October, TWO! Mind blowing that he is well on his way to being a super-toddler and no longer mommy's little bumblebee. He is happy, curious, inquisitive, sometimes hot headed, prefers running vs. walking, loves to be read to, loves being swung during walks, AND we couldn't be luckier. and happier that he is healthy and has had amazing development in just 2 years. 

I Love Chasing Bubbles, peeps!

Washing sweaty hands and feet in the kitchen sink after morning walk/park

I may have mentioned it before, but my all-time favourite part of the day is picking him up from my mom's. The shrieks and giggles and running into my arms almost makes it worth it to be away while I'm working (now from home office a lot more). We 'talk' on the phone every day just before noon, and although his vocabulary is still not full blown sentences, he manages 'Hiii mama' and something about what he's playing with, and a 'lurf uuu'.  :) He's getting heavier (not sure how much, maybe 28Lbs?) and taller each day - I'm fairly short (4'11) and DH is 5'7 so I hope Elliott surpasses both of us in height one day as I'm sure he will :). He still has his bottle 3 times a day but he eats his normal food great, and lately he's been loving whole grapes and mangoes. Really bad habit of watching Nemo or Cars on the portable DVD during dinner, but we don't mind because it is his 'treat'. A plus, he eats.  He hasn't had any major sicknesses (knock on wood) so far - I have a lot of friends IRL that have been through countless # of ear infections, bronchitis, respiratory infections, colds, flus - but thankfully nothing serious with E that would require a trip to the hospital.

As for me, well here is where it gets interesting. Since my last post if you recall, I was just in the midst of getting the diagnosis and referral to a new endo. Turns out she was a blessing and extremely caring and helpful to me as I was figuring out what to do. I've never had access to a dr that would take calls outside of office hours, and that I could email, no less?  Bizarre. But I was so grateful that she was so accessible to me, as the sequence of events I will tell you is something I could not make up.  

Around March - April, I started a medication called Tapazol.e. It is an anti-thyroid drug that would function as a thyroid suppressant, so my thyroid would slow down production of hormones that my immune system was attacking. The idea is to be on this medication for 12-18 months, after which, you are weaned off to see if your body 'took' it and restarted itself back to normal function.  I was on Tapazole for a total of 3 weeks, before I broke out in hives all over my chest, back and legs.  I was advised to stop it immediately and see an allergist before going to the second ATD of choice, PTU.  I was cleared to take PTU (even though the side effects of liver damage are greater chance than Tap).  As I was on PTU for another 3 weeks until the blood results (taken every 4-6 weeks) revealed that although my thyroid levels were normalized (T4, T3) - my liver enzymes were elevated 5 times normal and again, was told to stop the medication immediately.  I should also mention that I told my endo that we would still like to try for another baby soon, so let's do what we can to get my body to that point. She understood my end goal, and also said matter of factly, that my body is no where near capable of sustaining a pregnancy in this hyper.thyroid state,  and could actually be the underlying reasoning in my miscarriages prior. Interesting.

Luckily my liver repaired itself and was not (and have not been) on medication ever since this past June 26.  My last two options was like choosing between one poison over the next. Radioactive Abal.ation (kill thyroid gland slowly by swallowing a radioactive pill) or Surgery (Total Thyroidectom.y to remove the gland).  And (I asked) If you do nothing, thyroid levels will shoot right back up and you could risk eventual thyroid storm, or eventual heart disease.   

DH and I discussed all our 'options' and picked surgery as the best of the worst possible choices we would have to make. I felt that radiation did not fit for me because I still wanted to make babies and waiting another year would be too long, plus the side effects of radiation pill has not been studied so who knows if I could develop something else even worse (cancer) down the road...  
So we went through the referral process and we were VERY lucky to be accepted and seen by a surgeon within a few weeks (usually a very long wait depending on other urgent cases). Guess I was considered urgent?. Met the surgeon, he shoved a camera up my nose to see down my throat, I cried and bawled in my husband's arms that this was my reality and it hit me that surgery really is no joke.

Fast forward to Aug 14. The day of my pre-op appt. I was sick to my stomach the day before, with anxiety.  You meet with all the members of the medical team that will be a part of your surgery day, pre and post.  We hadn't been given a surgery date yet, but the hospital likes to do the pre-op first, so that you can be called on anytime after that and wouldn't have to go through the process then.  Had lots of blood taken, an EKG, Pharma, Anesthia, the works, come and talk to me.  

Before heading to X-ray,  I had to share with the nurse that I was on CD28 and with this disease, I had always been regular 26 day cycle. It was not a possibility, but a chance.  They added on an extra test to the blood already taken from me and were told to wait and not head into Xray.  just in case. DH and I went to grab food in the hospital cafeteria and decided to pop by the pharmacy as well. just out of curiousity. Went to the public restroom, shoved the test back into my purse and checked it together 4 minutes later. Two lines. There is no way. There is no way. Is this thing expired?.  Followed by panic and nervousness as we made our way back to the pre-op dept and I was told there that yes indeed, I was pregnant, confirmed by blood results.  I nearly fell off my chair. I know exactly when it 'happened' but in my and DH's mind, we thought that the possibility of my actually being able to conceive was less than 1% in state.  Apparently, we beat the odds.  Now while you may be reading this with your jaw opened, but let me tell you the fear quickly set in.  Being pregnant with Gr.aves can be potentially dangerous to both the mother and growing fetus.  Especially in my case, where I couldn't take any of the meds available to help control the thyroid and consequently immune response. You risk increased hyper symptoms, preclampsia, pre-term labour, still birth, the list goes on.   Needless to say our pre-op appt was cut short and we were asked to see my endo immediately so she could provide them with a new action plan. 

Disbelief. shock. Worry. In awe.

To be continued..... 

He's not a 'baby' anymore

Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement in my last post.  God heard my prayers and yesterday morning I got a call to a new end.ocrinologist that I requested my family dr. a referral to, and I managed to get in later this morning for an appointment (next one is in June!) 

Hope she is the right person to guide me through to close to perfect health again soon. 

Now in the last post, it was all about me.  What I neglected to say was that I am completely and utterly baffled that each day I look at my son and see how much he changes day to day. He's growing taller and taller, and the other day I saw the beginnings of a run. Yes, my little E, my Sprout baby, is now officially a toddler. His vocabulary is still not so expansive, his favourite (and in the past week only) word is car.  He points to cars on the streets, highways, books, toys, stickers - anywhere he can find a car he will point to it and say caaa-ar! I am not sure we are doing nearly enough to help along with his words but I am sure it will all come out one day and then that day I'm going to wish this stage lasted a bit longer.  He is such a smart boy, like, REALLY smart (I know, mother's bias) - I can tell him to pick up his toys, go get your panda, go drink some water from your sippy cup, can you find me your ball, what about your 'first words' book - and he is bang on, every time. So proud and so happy that although he can't verbalize to us yet, he can pretty much understand what we are saying to him. 


He's been doing really well at my mom's during the day.  We had one panic attack situation about a month ago when I was in an all-day workshop in an area of the building with poor cell phone reception. I talked to E and my mom at noon before heading back in, and thought nothing of it to put my purse (on silent) in my purse underneath my chair.  When I checked the phone at the end of the coffee break, I was so shocked and worried to see 5 missed calls, text messages from my husband (on both text and whats.ap.p), emails, etc.  Apparently out of no where, E started screaming and crying and clutching his belly - and he was inconsolable. My mom tried everything to comfort him and to help him calm down but NOTHING was working and she started to worry that something was terribly wrong.  She tried calling me several times and couldn't get a hold of me so she called my dad at work and he called my husband.  Luckily DH was able to cancel his meetings and catch the next train up (it's about 15 mins express +10 min drive to my parents) and by the time I rushed out of work and called them, he had finally stopped crying (this was going on for 2 hours without me having a clue) and my hubby was putting him down for a nap after he was absolutely exhausted. 


You cannot even imagine how horrible I felt.  As a mother, for the first time, I wasn't there for my baby when something was wrong.  I wasn't able to be there for my mom either, in a situation where she counted on me.  It was just an awful feeling in my gut that at that moment, I didn't care at all about work, and even said to myself - this is not worth it. I know I won't be able to be there for him all the time (think about school, sleep overs, etc down the road) but it has never happened that I was that much out of reach and touch. I blamed myself for not having the phone on my lap and on vibrate. I blamed myself for not checking my phone the minute we took the break during the workshop. 


Later that evening, E started getting the chills after his bath and developed a fever, throwing up everything, the works. We had an awful night all around and we called our T.el.e.health emergency line to ask for help and see if we should be taking him to the ER.  Thankfully it turned out that it may have been a stomach virus and the next day he was weak but definitely in better spirits.  Very scary, and very helpless watching your baby suffer or be in pain. 

Other than that episode, E generally is a very happy baby and sleepwise, he's still doing 11-12 hours straight a night, with the odd wake up here and there but he settles back into sleep within minutes by himself. We still have not weaned him off the bottle (he has 3 bottles of homo milk a day - one when he wakes up, one at early afternoon, and one at bedtime.) I am very scared to take the bottle away because he loves it so much and he is still eating his solids well. I think I will try doing 1 less a day and replace it with milk with his meals slowly - but I really am not looking forward to the resistance (or maybe I'm making it a bigger deal than it is?)


Here are some pics over that last few months of my lil' monster: 

SMOOCHES - Aug 2011

  E and I went to our first wedding 'solo' - daddy had to work

Canadian Thanksgiving, Oct 2011 

 Colouring at Swi.ss Chalet

At a friend's birthday party at a play place

 Being silly at home

 Last weekend Mommy and E went to a women and babies only baby shower 

See how much he's changed?! 


 

 

Where do I begin...

First off, no, I am not pregnant again - in fact, a bit far from it. 
Before I scare any of you, I am doing ok, Elliott is doing amazing and changing every day.  But alas, I have some not so great news to share. 

Around early summer last year, I started getting alot of comments from my hubby, friends and family, about how skinny I'd become, I was wearing shorts (and I never have, since I was 15), and buying new clothes because nothing, not even my pre-pregnancy clothes, would fit.

I attributed it to running around chasing E, and of course, not really putting myself first when it came to eating properly.  I never picked up exercising regularly like I used to (the last time was likely when E was about 6 months old when we went to Baby F.it classes) but I really, truly did not think much of it.

I went in for a physical late November, about 2 weeks before I went back to work, and let me say here, that I never went for a physical/check up my entire mat leave.  Big mistake - please go to your doctor 2-3 months postpartum, I realize how important it is now!

So I asked my family doctor to test my thyroid levels because of the drastic weight loss, and wouldn't you know it, my th.yroid levels came back off the charts.  A normal person's T(4) levels would be from 9-23,  and I was charting >65. 

So yes, something was definitely off. I was considered to be in the Hyper.thyroid state.

I was referred to an endocr.inologist, specialist for hormones and also went to get an ultrasound on my thy.roid.  Nothing spectacular was found (thankfully) but there was enough concern of my blood test results that the endo wanted me to do a uptake scan to see how much iodine the thyroid would absorb, thus telling us what the issue was. 

This all took place between mid-Dec to beginning of January. 

I had a very strange suspicion that the reason I was hyperthyroid all of a sudden now was because all throughout my pregnancy (if you recall) I was on a low dosage of Thyroid medication, at the time, prescribed to me by my Auto-immune specialist whom I was seeing for unsuccessful pregnancies.
I don't ever recall being tested throughout my pregnancy but I do recall having enough refills to last me until 30 weeks. 

At the same time I was referred to the endo, I also did some research on my own and found a Naturo.path to take a look at my case and help me look at the causes of this vs. treating the symptoms.  It turns out I did the best thing I ever could for myself because the Naturo I found is honest, straightforward, and very logical in his way of talking to you.  He definitely thought that the catalyst for me going from a slightly under (hypo) thyroid state, that the medication and the pregnancy spun my hormones of out control.  It wasn't until we stopped breastfeeding did the weight start to come off drastically. 

The reason for weight loss in hyperthyroid individuals is because every organ in your system is kicked into high gear, but your thyroid is the one that controls your metabolism, therefore, overworked means high metabolism.  This has also had an adverse effect on my heart.  I had begun to feel slight palpitations about a month or so ago, even when I'm at rest.  Work got so stressful one day that I had to step away from my laptop and lie down on my couch.  Definitely NOT a fun experience. 

So as far as the iodine scan goes,  it turns out that I definitely have the beginning stages of what is called G.rave's Dis.ease.  It's a condition that, untreated, can be severely damage the thyroid to the point of it not working at all any more.  When talking to my naturopath, he says that he is not concerned that I am getting any worse any time soon because I have responded to some detox treatment very quickly already, but that I definitely have to change my diet and eat more of some things and less of others (darn it, chocolate)  I am also taking some natural supplements as well, and now I just need to commit to doing some regular exercise (like yoga, something easy) to help with my stress levels.


I have changed roles at work into something I really love right now so that part is definitely helping,  and overall, I am feeling ok, just the random heart palpitation will remind me that something's off. 


My naturo also said that in some cases, a 2nd pregnancy can even reverse the condition to a normal state, but I am not in a hurry any time soon until I am feeling more energy back and ready to take that plunge into yet another unknown. 


So big sigh and breath.


I'd like to use that whole issue as a reason for me not posting as often anymore but it wouldn't be fair.  I have been exhausted going through a number of tests (again, felt like a lab rat) but me not writing and updating is no excuse. I guess I just wanted to get all the 'facts' first, and lessen the questions raised here, in addition to my own worry in my head. 


I am thinking positive, and this is something I WILL overcome.  I just really hope that there is another rainbow baby in our future but of course, that cannot happen until I am on the path to being healthy again.



Long ramble.....appreciate all of your prayers and support if you can send some my way. Hugs and I miss you ladies very much! 

So much to catch up on...

The only excuse I have for not posting for omgosh the past...5 MONTHS (!)...well, I have none!  I enjoyed my last few months of mat leave with Elliott, his/my friends, busy trying to get my head wrapped around returning to work...and voila! here we are. I have missed you all dearly, my friends.

We have had a lot of milestones since I last posted.  Elliott started bursting teeth out of nowhere and it really took us a step back when it came to sleeping through the night and with eating. He also graduated from cruising to walking around furniture and then finally a few weeks ago, he let go and started walking a dozen steps at a time on his own.

October was a busy month as I turned into a 'Party Ma.ma' just kidding I was not ridiculous but in my work life, I work with large scale corporate events and this, oh my, it was one of those projects that I am so proud of - blood, sweat and tears.  I know Elliott will not remember his 1st birthday but it is something I will never forget ;)

We had a Monster Fun Birthday bash...I made turkey chili (with a chili bar chock full o'fixings), slow cooker pull pork mini sammies, and my mom carved out a watermelon monster and jello layered in the colour scheme of the party.  I made monsters out of dollar store car wash mitts, and risers I made from diaper boxes. We had a candy bar as favours for the adults, and pails with colouring books, Mum M.ums and baby Kan.ye glasses.  There was a play area we set up for the kiddies, and games for the adults ;)

My first day back to work was Dec 1. I cried myself to sleep the night before, after telling my husband that I feel like the "worst mom ever" because I truly felt like I was abandoning my baby.  And that he would have no clue why I was "gone". And that he would forget me in an instant. Tears also flowed the morning I grabbed my new laptop wheely bag and my coat. My husband stayed home the 1st and 2nd to help me ease into it, but I was just miserable.  I called him after his naptime, and at lunch, and on my afternoon break.  I just couldn't comprehend that I would no longer be there at his every move, awake or asleep, and reality sunk in that I no longer will have that precious time back, and my baby will no longer need me as much.

After a month and a half of being back to work full time, I am happy to report that we have fallen into a good rhthym, and I no longer cry leaving him with my mom.  The first two weeks we were both adjusting to this new schedule, and Elliott would cry every time I say good bye after dropping him off at my mom's.  Then, it got easier, until the point where he waves good bye to me and proceeds to look for his toys at grandma's.  I have watched him mature and grow before my eyes, and as much as my heart hurts to leave him behind when I go to work, I know that it is time for both of us to have some time / experiences a part. 

I'll be posting more soon, as some recent developments in my health need to be addressed.  Will explain more in detail in another post.