Paperwork

So my RPL specialist appointment is this Wednesday! I'm excited but very nervous because I haven't been on doctor's visits for a whole 2 months since the last m/c. Not sure entirely what to expect but this place seems to be my last resort. In the words of my OB, if he can't help you, no one can. Reassuring, I know, right?

The sweet receptionist called today to remind me of the appt on Wed (who btw has called like 2 or 3 times in the past few months to see if I would be able to scoot in as I was on the cancellation wait list but it was always too late notice and I couldn't take the time off to go) - anyhoo, I asked her about this 'package' I was supposed to receive and if it was important and she was puzzled that I hadn't received it in the mail yet.  So we arranged for her to scan and email them to me as they were a bunch of forms (6 pages) to note down my misc.arriage history and my medical history, as well as DH's.

So I got the forms and started to fill them out over my lunch hour. Some things that popped out at me (in no particular order):

1) Some of the blood tests will not be covered by OHIP (our gov't healthcare plan) - so out of pocket is $290. oy.

2) How many pregnancies have you had?  3 - sigh.

3) How many have resulted in live births? 0 , zip, zilch, none

4) How many have resulted in miscarriages?  3 - ok I want to stop filling out this form now.

5) Have you had any therapeutic abortions? NO. what the?

6) What symptoms, if any, did you experience after pregnancy? hmm I wonder if I can put: feelings of guilt, exhaustion, sadness, crying fits, despair?  I settled for n/a.

And on and on it goes.  I guess they need all the information they can get right?

**

Weekend was good, super busy with getting the rest of the decor up around the house, including my beautiful tree.  We've always had the 'mini' tree up in our old place b/c the ceilings were never high enough, but when we set it up this year in our new house, it seemed really sad and small.  So we added the full last layer of the tree and it's gigantic and gorgeous! Super excited for the holiday parties to start.  I'm obsessing a bit over details (i.e. instead of writing names on cups - I'm printing up a funny pic of everyone on large address labels- and using those as name tags on the cups! how fun is that! )

**
Wish me luck on Wed. I'm happy that DH was able to take the day off to come with me. We'll see if we can sneak in a visit to the spa as well - cuz with all that is coming up we sure need some good ol' R&R!

Life is like Roll up.the Rim to.Win

For my American bloggers who haven't heard of our beloved Canadian coffee shop, Ti.m Ho.rton's, also known affectionately as 'Tim.mies' - they run an annual campaign/contest called 'Roll up.the.Ri.m to Win' - it's quite an event over here and I can't wait for it to come back (!) 
So here's the deal: after you enjoy your delicious hot beverage, you pick at and knaw on the rim of the cup to reveal your prize. It's either, Congrats you've won a donut/coffee/tea/TV/Car/$$! or the dreaded: Please Try Again.

I rolled the rim this weekend and got the dreaded Please Try Again. 

Let's rewind to Saturday, CD 29.

I felt the odd cramp here and there that morning.  I had also been taking my prog.est.er.one supp.osito.ries since 2DPO so I was going to stop once I got a BFN.  When I POAS this time it was like second nature, I feel like I've done this so many times I can do it with my eyes closed. Except for that first squirt when you have to see where you have to place the stick.  Oh stop being squeamish, y'all know what I'm talking about.  So I did my business, and placed it on the bathroom counter and went to put the rest of the groceries away - yup, I totally did that. 

No more standing over the counter, waiting for that line to appear, I just did it and said I would come back to it when I'm ready to read the results.
There's something about that moment you flip it over and see if that magical line is there, or any faint trace of it.  I needed to be ok with not seeing it there. 

I was relieved and disappointed at the same time.  But maybe it's for the best as I still have my specialist appointment coming up in a few weeks and really, we weren't 'trying' this month...thanks for all the positive thoughts and encouragement ladies.

Hopefully I'll get a 'congrats, you win a..' next month.

End of week thoughts

Well I'm at the tail end of another 2WW.  AF is supposed to be due tomorrow but I have no clue what to expect this time around. I have been a bit absent minded about this 2WW - but I will have the odd feeling once in a while and pause to wonder if "that" was a symptom?

But then the thought quickly vanishes and gets replaced with "why are you torturing yourself - it's just going to end like how the others did". And then on with my day I go. 

I am half hoping I am but also hoping that I'm not. 

What a weird feeling to have eh? (don't mind the eh? it's a Cdn thing LOL) I am not going to rush out and buy pee sticks either - I am going to wait it out over the weekend b/c AF could very well just be late if she doesn't arrive 'on time' tomorrow on CD 28.  B/c last cycle after my 3rd m/c she arrived on CD 24.  Oh and side note, I also have been popping in progesterone suppositories since O so who knows if that's why I have been feeling phantom symptoms.

Hmm. 

In other news, Christmas is fast approaching and I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to host not one, not two, but THREE parties at my house over the holidays.  Am I nuts?  I think just a bit. :)  But secretly I love entertaining and all that jazz - my girlfriends call me Martha. LOL

So these past few weeks I have been gearing up for the first one early December - I am thinking the tree needs to go up this weekend - it's not too early, is it? Hubby has been working a lot this month on the weekends b/c its year end where he works so it's been so much fun hanging with my lil' sis and doing girlie things like going to Starbucks (I get so excited when those holiday cups come out!) and of course, shopping till we drop!

Project Me is going well with the minor exception that I have not worked out all this week.  I feel slightly guilty but I am so tired these days from work that I just don't have the mojo to do it at 5:30 am anymore.  I'll have to get my booty moving again tho, b/c I have a few new holiday outfits hanging in my closet (unbeknownst to hubby of course teehee) that I want to show off at all those parties I'll be hosting. :)

Will keep y'all posted as to what this weekend reveals!

that kid in highschool - you know the one

I want to preface this post by saying that I am filled with joy, absolutely thrilled, over-the-moon for all of my fellow bloggers who have had recent BFPs and all of you previous IFers now-turned-2nd trimester mommies-to-be out there.  You have all waited so long for this miracle, and been through so much to get there and now that it is finally happening, it is so great to hear about your journey now, from a different perspective. 

But still, I just can't help this feeling that won't go away. I'm that sad, lowly kid that has been picked last for the 'winning team'. I was fortunate never to have to experience that (as I was usually was the team captain) but now - I have slowly and silently become the one that is the odd man out, the benched kid hanging out by the gatorade cooler.

*Sigh*.  Just having one of those days where it seems like it's everyone but me.  Pity party for one, thank you.

Yes, I'm still here

...actually, it probably seems like I've been around since I still log on to check in on all of you and still comment on your blogs! In any case, these past few weeks of 'silence' has been really really good for me. 

I have completely invested myself into Project:Me and I'm feeling relaxed, at peace, and focused.  I have committed to a regular exercise routine that has me up around 5:30/6 in the morning and although it's been tough, I've been seeing the positive results physically and also has affected my mood and my outlook on life and everything else in between.

I still wonder what it would be like, to be REALLY really pregnant (like 2nd trimester pregnant), and if I will ever one day be there; but somehow I am not sad like I used to be when I think of what's to come/and how long it will be until it does.  I've pushed the negative thoughts to a corner, simply because that's where I've chosen to banish them for now -- but it is no longer consuming my every waking minute and it is no longer pulling me back into wallowing and dispair.

So I'm in a good place right now.  But sadly, I got a call from one of my closest gf's last night letting me know that she too, was pregnant, but was currently going through her 1st m/c.  I felt so raw, so completely devastated for her - and through her tears, she said that she now truly understood what I had been going through. 

We talked for a while about what's to come (physically and emotionally) and I tried to give her as much support and pass along as much information as I know, having been a 'pro' at this now. *sigh*.  After hanging up, I wondered to myself: was this in God's master plan all along?  That the only way I could have supported my dear non-Christian friend in this dreadful time was to have been through it myself? To have someone so close to me go through the same thing so that I have some in-person support? 

Who knows. But I know that she is going through a lot of pain and confusion right now - and I hope and pray that she will never ever have to go through it again.

I'm back, ladies, and I've missed you all!