Monday, March 29, 2010

baby steps

Thank you all for your support and well wishes from my last post. You sure know how to make a girl feel loved and special :) 

After the high I experienced on Wednesday, I suddenly found myself on a rollercoaster ride I wasn't totally ready for. 

You see, DH and I agreed that after we saw baby and heartbeat on this ultrasound, we would tell our families we were pregnant.  A bit of back story is that the last 3 times we told them, I had already miscarried or I was in the process of miscarrying.  The 3rd pregnancy/loss was probably the worst time in our lives.  The week I found out I was pregnant the 3rd time, I told DH I didn't want to say anything to our families until we got some reassurance - in the form of rising betas.  I had only gone for my 1st beta (which was around 60 on 15DPO) and then I started miscarrying before I went in for my 2nd beta.  I told DH I didn't want to share with our family yet - it was still so fresh and I was trying to sort out my own thoughts and feelings.  

That weekend - I was upstairs watching tv while DH was downstairs in the man cave when he got a text on his cellphone.  His phone was on the foyer table so I picked it up to bring it down to him - and glanced at the message as I was heading down the stairs. 

I was hit with sudden anger and disappointment when I read the msg from one of my SILs - saying that she had just heard of our 3rd loss and was so sorry.  How did she know I was pregnant - and had just m/c when I had told my DH that I was not comfortable with sharing? I understand looking back now, that he needed to tell someone too, because the burden of sadness was just too much - but at that time, I was LIVID, absolutely furious, that he had 'gone behind my back' and I had felt betrayed b/c I had felt safe knowing that it was just between us at that moment.   Long story short, it blew up in mere moments. He got on the phone with my MIL (I found out he had told his parents we were pregnant literally a few days after my BFP) and was furious with her for telling my SIL, resulting in that text that I saw.  Needless to say, I told DH that if I couldn't trust him, who else could I trust?  

We talked it out and I got over my anger within a few days (he had no idea what kind of feelings I was dealing with - guilt, shame, failure) - and we promised each other that the next time we get pregnant, we would have to both be ready to share the news. 

So then came this pregnancy, numero quattro.  As each beta came in and brought with it a new glimmer of hope, DH's excitement grew and grew.  Before our u/s last week, I found myself in conversations with DH around ways we could tell our folks, only to be quickly shut down by my anxieties and fear of actually getting to tell them positive news vs. miscarriage news. 

But after we saw Sprout on the u/s, we went for brunch and excitedly started tossing around ideas we could realistically pull off, given a short runway of time (we had invited them over Friday night) and we finally decided on t-shirts. We would wear zip ups over them and both get up and pretend to fuss over which blu-ray movies we could watch, and then turn around to show them our 'options'.  It turned out to be the best reveal EVER. There were tears, there were screams, and lots of hugs to go around. 

But as the questions started coming in, I found myself retreating a little. That defense thing that we put up to protect ourselves 'in case anything bad should happen'.  I even told our families that because we were still early and that the fears of the previous losses are still fresh, that I would be uncomfortable talking to them about long term things such as baby furniture and schools - and they all understood.  At least I thought they did. 

Not 5 mins later did one my SILs ask - so have you thought of names?  I shook my head and turned away.  What is it about "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT LONG TERM THINGS DON'T YOU GET?" This includes names, gender, car seats, mat leave, everything! 

I know they are just excited, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long road ahead, in dealing with my fears and worries.  I don't want to be that pregnant lady who isn't excited in talking about the future but honestly, I can't really put myself there just yet. It is still so fresh and I am afraid that I might jinx it by getting too caught up.  The reveal on Friday is just about the furthest I can go right now. 


Other than that, I have still been feeling exhausted - usually starts early afternoon - and after I eat, I feel super gassy, bloated, and just overall gross. But if I don't eat, I still feel super gassy, bloated and overall gross.  Boobs are still sore and heavy. Queasiness comes and goes but really ain't bad at all.  Maybe I am one of the lucky ones? 


I leave you with a pic from Friday.  Hoping and praying that we continue to have many more milestones ahead to achieve.  



15 comments:

  1. What a lovely picture! You both look so happy, and I think the t-shirt idea is such a great one.

    I can understand your being livid at your husband, just as I can understand your husband being so excited that he couldn't contain himself. But it makes it so very hard and I think waiting until now to tell everyone was a very good idea. I also think that you are absolutely normal in not wanting to talk about certain things. When you've gone through repeated losses it's hard not to feel like you can jinx things by considering them too early.

    And I really do think that others should respect it. I don't know what the best approach is. Perhaps an informal calendar? Something along the lines of, "I'm not going to consider a, b and c until the second trimester." One day at a time. The tough thing is that nobody is going to understand the necessity for that as much as you.

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  2. I love the picture! And the t-shirts! You are supposed to be glowing--but your hubby is too! I love it! I totally get not feeling ready to think "long term" yet. Remember the conversation at my Super Bowl party with my very-dear friend who is two weeks behind me? She had it all figured out (budget, names, leave, etc.), and I was just focusing on our first appointment. I'm now on the verge of telling our big-boss lady this week...but I so don't want my pregnancy to become the topic of discussion in our lunch break room. Thinking of you!

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  3. OH my! The shirts are so cute! That was perfect for the announcement. I hope with time you are able to express your excitement more and more!!

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  4. That is so cute :) I love you guys announced it. :)

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  5. Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving good wishes! Congratulations on your own blessing... you and your husband look adorable in the picture. I pray that you have a wonderful and completely uneventful pregnancy.

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  6. It is totally normal to have these fears and anxiety. You will feel better about it and be more excited when you are ready.

    I felt a lot of that as well, and was usually able to stop conversations with family members that asked too many questions with, "We don't know, we're just hoping it survives at this point." That helped them get perspective and they were sensitve enough then to stop asking questions.

    Your fears will go away more and more as the pregnancy progresses. Hang in there!

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  7. Adorable shirts!

    I spent many weeks telling people that we "haven't even thought about that yet. Just trying to take it day by day." That's perfectly fine and normal, and it reminds people that they need to give you a little space.

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  8. Awe Wendy it is so completely normal to feel this way! Besides on my blog and some people at church we didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks (and that was only because it was Christmas day). Even today I still can't believe that I will have a little baby girl at the end. But as time passes it gets easier and easier to be excited.

    I just love the way you shared with your family!!!

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  9. The shirts are so adorable and a great way to share you news! During this pregnancy take one day at a time and don't let anyone pressure you into thinking way ahead. This your pregnancy, your time and you should enjoy it and be relaxed!

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  10. What a great way to tell everyone! Those shirts are adorable!

    It's so normal to be feeling this way. I hope your fears ease more and more each day!

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  11. I love the shirts! So cute!

    I'm still feeling the way you are about not focusing on the long term. It is getting better, and thankfully I feel him moving all the time. Because of that I haven't used the doppler in over a week. It is frustrating how no one really understands how we really feel. I hope you start feeling at ease soon!

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  12. I can only imagine the tears and screams at the big reveal...I shed a little tear over here looking at your happy faces and matching t-shirts.

    I hope that you'll keep feeling more and more secure as the weeks slowly tick by.

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  13. LOVE the shirts!!
    As far as your feelings, completely normal. Even though others just don't seem to understand.
    But my Dr., he was so right. He told us @ our 10 weeks ultrasound I wouldn't really start to enjoy this pregnancy until I could feel her every day. I did start to relax a bit after our 16 week gender scan, but once I started feeling her around 19 weeks I really did start to let go of some fears. I even stopped using my doppler. Sure I still have had scares but mostly just enjoying her the last few months.
    Can't wait to hear about your next great visit!!

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  14. That picture is adorable. Thanks for the kind note. I just had that exact same conversation as your SIL with my MIL. She really doesn't get the worry and paranoia that follows me everywhere.

    Good luck and congrats!

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  15. ditto to most commenters. We were also reluctant to tell people until 12 weeks into the pregnancy and I really didn't start "planning" until much later than that. I think around 20 weeks...but even then it was hard. It gets easier over time, but for now, just relish in that you're pregnant and everything else will come on its own.

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