baby steps

Thank you all for your support and well wishes from my last post. You sure know how to make a girl feel loved and special :) 

After the high I experienced on Wednesday, I suddenly found myself on a rollercoaster ride I wasn't totally ready for. 

You see, DH and I agreed that after we saw baby and heartbeat on this ultrasound, we would tell our families we were pregnant.  A bit of back story is that the last 3 times we told them, I had already miscarried or I was in the process of miscarrying.  The 3rd pregnancy/loss was probably the worst time in our lives.  The week I found out I was pregnant the 3rd time, I told DH I didn't want to say anything to our families until we got some reassurance - in the form of rising betas.  I had only gone for my 1st beta (which was around 60 on 15DPO) and then I started miscarrying before I went in for my 2nd beta.  I told DH I didn't want to share with our family yet - it was still so fresh and I was trying to sort out my own thoughts and feelings.  

That weekend - I was upstairs watching tv while DH was downstairs in the man cave when he got a text on his cellphone.  His phone was on the foyer table so I picked it up to bring it down to him - and glanced at the message as I was heading down the stairs. 

I was hit with sudden anger and disappointment when I read the msg from one of my SILs - saying that she had just heard of our 3rd loss and was so sorry.  How did she know I was pregnant - and had just m/c when I had told my DH that I was not comfortable with sharing? I understand looking back now, that he needed to tell someone too, because the burden of sadness was just too much - but at that time, I was LIVID, absolutely furious, that he had 'gone behind my back' and I had felt betrayed b/c I had felt safe knowing that it was just between us at that moment.   Long story short, it blew up in mere moments. He got on the phone with my MIL (I found out he had told his parents we were pregnant literally a few days after my BFP) and was furious with her for telling my SIL, resulting in that text that I saw.  Needless to say, I told DH that if I couldn't trust him, who else could I trust?  

We talked it out and I got over my anger within a few days (he had no idea what kind of feelings I was dealing with - guilt, shame, failure) - and we promised each other that the next time we get pregnant, we would have to both be ready to share the news. 

So then came this pregnancy, numero quattro.  As each beta came in and brought with it a new glimmer of hope, DH's excitement grew and grew.  Before our u/s last week, I found myself in conversations with DH around ways we could tell our folks, only to be quickly shut down by my anxieties and fear of actually getting to tell them positive news vs. miscarriage news. 

But after we saw Sprout on the u/s, we went for brunch and excitedly started tossing around ideas we could realistically pull off, given a short runway of time (we had invited them over Friday night) and we finally decided on t-shirts. We would wear zip ups over them and both get up and pretend to fuss over which blu-ray movies we could watch, and then turn around to show them our 'options'.  It turned out to be the best reveal EVER. There were tears, there were screams, and lots of hugs to go around. 

But as the questions started coming in, I found myself retreating a little. That defense thing that we put up to protect ourselves 'in case anything bad should happen'.  I even told our families that because we were still early and that the fears of the previous losses are still fresh, that I would be uncomfortable talking to them about long term things such as baby furniture and schools - and they all understood.  At least I thought they did. 

Not 5 mins later did one my SILs ask - so have you thought of names?  I shook my head and turned away.  What is it about "I CAN'T TALK ABOUT LONG TERM THINGS DON'T YOU GET?" This includes names, gender, car seats, mat leave, everything! 

I know they are just excited, but I have a feeling this is going to be a long road ahead, in dealing with my fears and worries.  I don't want to be that pregnant lady who isn't excited in talking about the future but honestly, I can't really put myself there just yet. It is still so fresh and I am afraid that I might jinx it by getting too caught up.  The reveal on Friday is just about the furthest I can go right now. 


Other than that, I have still been feeling exhausted - usually starts early afternoon - and after I eat, I feel super gassy, bloated, and just overall gross. But if I don't eat, I still feel super gassy, bloated and overall gross.  Boobs are still sore and heavy. Queasiness comes and goes but really ain't bad at all.  Maybe I am one of the lucky ones? 


I leave you with a pic from Friday.  Hoping and praying that we continue to have many more milestones ahead to achieve.