Tears, and more tears

I just dropped my hubby off - he's off to LA for 6 days to visit his good friend and also his aunt and uncle (we did our trip together in SF, and then separate 'last' trips - so mine was NYC)  

As we were saying our goodbyes I could feel the tears welling up. He leaned over and rubbed Sprout belly and said 'bye baby' - and I said 'say bye to daddy' - and it was just the last straw.  I turned before my hubby could see me start bawling like a baby (I didn't want him to feel bad for going on this trip!) but all the way on the drive home I couldn't stop.  Just when I thought I was ok I saw a big tree being cut down in my neighbourhood and started crying again. Got a BBM from my hubby on my blackberry and the tears came rushing back.  I know it's only 6 days - why can't I get a grip!! 

tearfully, yours.

belated 29 week post and Ultrasound update

Good morning! 
This is a super belated post for 29 because as of this Wednesday my friends, I am heading into the 30's! It's my 30th week and I'm so happy we're in the homestretch and I'm so proud of Sprout for the progress s/he is making by growing strong and kicking Mama right left and center all the time! 

Here's what happened last week - wait a sec, I can barely what happened a few days ago - let alone a week! LOL Nothing really exciting to report - hubby and I decided to make the switch - in rooms that is. We had always designated the smallest room to be the nursery but when we looked at the crib mattress on the floor, and mentally made note of the furniture coming in - there would have been no room for a rocking chair/glider, and more importantly, no room to 'play' once Sprout gets bigger on the rug that we wanted in the middle of the room. 

So we decided to make the small room the guest room, and the guest room, the nursery and I LOVE that we decided to do that because Sprout's room is going to be so much more roomy (by still cozy) and since I'll be spending a lot of time in there - I won't feel like I'm in a closet! 

Hubby hopped right on it and dissembled the guest bed, furniture, etc. and made the move on Saturday while I read on the porch with some watermelon and plain chips (don't ask). I felt so useless but my sciatic nerve was acting up again this weekend and I was in so much pain, and even if I was fine, hubby would not let me help whatsoever. O-k if you say so :)) 


Saturday morning was also our check up ultrasound to take a look at the placenta situation.  I must admit I hadn't really panicked about this at all, but it was a concern to me nonetheless because I didn't want my choices to be limited when it came to writing my birth plan.  Just a recap, if the placenta hadn't moved or become completely placenta previa, there would be no way I could do a vaginal birth. So it was with a prayerful heart that I went into the ultrasound room - hoping for a change in the situation since the 18 week diagnosis.  


The ultrasound was actually quite long, the technician looked at everything - and I mean everything - including blood flow to the brain, to the organs, measurements of all the organs etc.  She was really nice and talked to me most of the way through - but I hate when they get quiet and I can't see what's happening.  I know they're just focusing on their job but it's torturous! 
Hubby was also sitting quietly behind her and I couldn't see his face so I was just waiting for something! (little did I know that he was video taping the whole appt on his blackberry, b/c he knew I couldn't see a thing LOL - good hubbs!) 


Finally I got to see Sprout when she swung the monitor around at the end - s/he is so big now and definitely looks like a baby you could hold and cuddle - so amazing! The great news is that the marginal placenta is now up and right where is should be - so no issue with a vaginal birth and even the small fibroid I had is non-existent! Praise God! I truly feel so blessed and I can't wait to begin the countdown ladies! 


Here is my sweet baby at 29 wks 3 days: 

 

belated 28 week post

Technically I'm still in the 28th week so not really belated, but I missed posting on Wednesday so here we are! 

So let's see -- Monday y'all know about - the follow up specialist appt -- Tuesday was my regular appointment with my midwife and I got to do the GD test - fun! 

The cold, orange fizzy C-Plus-esque drink was not bad at all - in fact, I found it quite tasty except for the crazy burps I got drinking it in all of 5 minutes.  That wasn't bad.  It was about 5 minutes after downing the drink that I started feeling the room spin and it felt reminiscent of my partying days back in university. Seriously people, I felt intoxicated.  I lay down on the couch in the waiting room and closed my eyes and after a good 10 minutes I started to feel better.  Talk about a sugar rush! 

*p.s. I really hope I pass this test! I DO NOT want to do the 3 hr one - no thanks!!

Anyhoo,  I finally got to meet my primary mw for the first time on Tuesday.  She had been away on vacation for the month of July so I was meeting with my secondary mw during that time.  I was super relieved when we settled right into comfortable conversation and I got a really really good vibe from meeting with her so I'm very excited that I have her as my primary!  

All is good - Sprout apparently is a keener and s/he was head down when she felt and measured me on Tuesday (although, I'm pretty sure at this stage the baby can still flip and move so it's not permanently in ready position yet - am I right about this?) My fundal height is measuring ahead at 30.5 so eeps - I hope I'm not on my way to a big baby here - wouldn't be so fun during L&D! 

I also got the paperwork for my next ultrasound - we want to check in on the placenta situation that they saw back on the 18 week ultrasound so I am praying that it has moved on up and it won't be an issue anymore.  They also want to keep a close eye on a small fibroid that I have but they don't seem concerned about it at all because of it's size at the other ultrasounds.  I am super excited to get to see Sprout again although this time I am considering bringing a large hand mirror so I can see without straining my neck! LOL 

Thanks for all the anniversary wishes! We had a very quiet night at home and I can't wait to get away for the weekend and oh! we're also picking up the crib and mattress over the border on Sunday so that will be exciting - our first nursery purchase!

Have a great weekend ladies! 

4 years ago today I married my love

My hunny and I exchange cards on special occasions, at the very least. I always look forward to seeing what kind of card my DH picks out for me - he is really good at getting me to tear up or laugh out loud. I remember how the sentiments in last year's cards were filled with  "we've had our share of heartache and tears, but here's to our future", of course, not really knowing if the future would be more sad news or good news. What a difference a year has made as this year's sentiments are lined with what we are looking forward to the next chapter in parenthood, and the hope we have as we expand our family.  

I love my hubby so much and I am so happy that this year is finally one that we can fully celebrate as we have so much to look forward to. We're heading out this weekend for a stay over in Niagara (a surprise present from my parents) and a massage at a spa to boot - can't wait!

This is what came knocking at the door today: 

 

Full circle

I went for my follow up appointment with Dr. L this morning (the auto-immune specialist for recurring mc) - the last time I saw him was when I was around 11 weeks with Sprout and I clearly remember how I felt when he said 'ok kiddo, keep on incubating and I'll see you around 28 weeks'.  I remember feeling a bit nervous to be 'on my own' and also a bit hesitant that I would indeed make it that far to have this next follow up appointment with him.  

What I long way we've come.  As I took the elevator up to the 18th floor offices, I remembered what it felt like those many times I had taken the same route with unanswered questions in my head and about 20 blood tests and multiple ultrasounds ahead of me.  What it felt like to look around the waiting room and wonder where these other women were in their journeys. How long have they been trying?  Have they also been pregnant and had losses before?  Or could they not get pregnant because of egg or sperm issues and/or both? If our eyes made momentary contact it would always be filled with the same look - the despair, the yearning, and the tiredness from all of it. 

I wore a more loose fitting top today to try and make my belly less obvious as I thought it might make someone feel uncomfortable or upsetting.  I told my hubby this and he said - try to think of it as you're giving those women some hope - that one day it will be them in your place.  He's such a great guy. 

All went well with the appointment and I won't be seeing him again until 3 months after the baby is born - I guess to finally close the chapter on my file and call my case a success in his study.  I am to stop the baby aspirin at 33 weeks but that's about it - 'good luck and we'll see you and your baby next year'.  I felt like I just earned a gold star.  As I left and exited the waiting area I looked behind to see the women sitting there either alone or with their spouses - looking down to the ground or holding their hands tightly.  I said a quick prayer for them and wished them well - I was on my way and I sure hope that they don't have to wait long until it was their turn.  

"Just checking"

Hubby has had a lot of 'contact' now with baby Sprout's movements - he's seen my tummy change shape, been kicked in the head while listening, and has felt Sprout tap dance almost every day. 

Last night, as we were saying our goodnites and sweet dreams, hubby kissed my belly to wish Sprout goodnite and placed his hand there for a while to feel him/her move around.  Sprout must've been settled in nicely because there was nothing for a while. Then DH shook my belly and said - hello in there?  and was swiftly met by a 'stop bugging me!' kick from baby, and subsequent kicks and bobbles afterwards.

Hubby laughed and said "ok, ok - just checking to make sure you're still ok!" and rolled off to sleep. 


As I struggled to find a comfy position to sleep in with my army of pillows, I thought to myself, those two words "just checking" - define what all of us here have gone through in our pregnancies after loss.  The multiple pee sticks, the constant blood draws and rising (or not) betas, the torturous evaluation of TP in the first weeks, the monitoring of symptoms, the first heartbeat ultrasound, the anatomy scan, the GD tests, the fundal height measurements -- all of these "just checking" activities have reassured us and our healthcare practitioners that every thing is progressing as they should.  I admit that I've never fully stopped the idea of "just checking" because I know how fragile life can be and at any moment be taken from us - but the reassuring kicks from Sprout have helped minimize those thoughts as the days and weeks pass by. 

I guess I just didn't realize that DH had those "just checkin" moments too and it made me think just how far we have come, but have yet still to go.  Faith in God has kept me strong through this, but at the same time, I wonder: when we we will ever really stop "checking"?

NYC recap and heading into 27 weeks

Hi bloggy buddies! 

So I survived the HEAT.WAVE.OF.THE.CENTURY in NYC and I'm back! Seriously though, could it have been any hotter?  I swear there was only one day (the last day of course) where I hadn't soaked through my undergarments or didn't have a heat rash from my thighs rubbing against one another - oh and I did I mention also getting a mild case of hemorrhoids to top it all off?  (we are past the TMI point now ladies - you don't even get a warning LOL)

My sis and I still managed to have fun - she is the best sis in the world for putting up with my pouty faces and constant dabbing of my 'sweat rag' all day as we trudged through Central Park, 5th ave, Chinatown, SOHO and the Pier. It sucked that we didn't get to walk the Brooklyn Bridge because of the extreme heat - but it will be first on my to-do's next time I go there! 

We bought a 7-day subway pass so we could hop on and off with more convenience but the subway tunnels were at least 10 degrees hotter than it was on the surface level on a good day - so suffice to say that the commute underground was by far the worst I felt. Once you get on the train though, it's sweet relief because they blast the AC but the wait on the dingy platforms in muggy, no-wind/no-ventilation conditions just isn't ideal - pregnant or not! So note to self and all you's out there - don't go to NYC in August!

We were lucky we stayed somewhere pretty accessible to everything - so that was one good thing - we also did a lot of shopping but sadly, only my sis scored all the cute and fun clothes and shoes while I picked up mostly accessories and one dress.  The maternity selection was slim pickins but I did manage to buy the cutest lil' outfit for Sprout at H&M - I absolutely love it and can't wait till s/he gets to wear it this fall/winter! The jacket is fuzzy and warm (jersey lined) and the hood has brown/ivory stripes - how cute is that!

At 27 weeks, I'm feeling really great.  I have noticed my feet no longer resemble human parts - but that of a bear or possibly a green fabled character named Shre.k - they're so swollen! My back issues have gone away for now (I attribute it to aqua fit/yoga and the miles we walked last week in NYC) and my belly button area is now fully stretched and it actually looks bruised - but it isn't - weeeird.  Sprout is fully active now and watching my belly change shape (rolling, kicks, rolling kicks) is pretty awesome and mind boggling.  I still find myself talking to Sprout when I'm by myself - so hopefully s/he will know mommy's voice right away when s/he is born into this world.  


One of my good friends' baby shower was this past weekend and it was so much fun seeing how happy she was.  We've gone through a losses together and now that our babies are going to be two months apart, it will be so nice to have someone going through this transition together. 

We have a baby registry set up now! Thought we were going to have more time but our sisters and my BFF are planning our co-ed baby shower and need the guest list as well as the baby registry to be ready by tomorrow since the shower will be in mid-September.  My parents are going to be in Hong.Kong from Sep 25-Oct 25 so we had to push up the potential baby shower dates up so they could be here.  I'm hoping Sprout doesn't arrive 2 weeks early b/c I really want need my Mommy to be there! 

Other than that - I have my next midwife appt next Tuesday when I finally get to meet my Primary (she was on vaca the month of July) - and I'll also be doing my GD test then as well.  I really hope I pass and I'm trying to be good with sweets but I have been craving chocolate and haven't said no to ice cream too much so I hope I am not causing more harm than good! I also placed a call to the hospital where we have chosen to give birth at to set up an appointment to tour the facilities - so stay tuned for that! 
 
Lots of catching up to do on reading your blogs so before I leave you to do that, here are some pics from the trip: 

Back to the beginning.. this is where DH proposed to 

 

me in Central Park

Central Park

Chinatown

Havana Grilled Corn yummmm

 

 

Crumbs Bakery - best cupcakes!

No we didn't eat this one LOL

Wouldn't be NYC without random ppl dressed up on the corner!