Tears runneth over

An old, very dear friend of mine is here to visit from San Fransico for a mutual friends' wedding this coming weekend.  Last time her and her hubby were here, it was just the two of them.  Now, one year later, they are joined by their beautiful baby daughter, who recently turned one.  Seeing as she has not met her Canadian family and friends yet, today was a big combined celebration of her 1 year birthday and 'meet baby S' for the first time.  I was a bit nervous going to this party because I knew there were going to be babies, pregnant women, toddlers, people asking people when their next one will be, you get the picture. 

But I was so excited to see my friend and meet her little one.  My friend and I have known each other since before we had hair, so this was going to be extra special.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to me until I saw her and her baby for the first time.  We hugged and then it was just over. 

Floodgates just opened and I wept openly. Literally, no word of a lie, make up running down my face type of cry.  They were not sad tears about not having a babe in my arms, but happy tears that she had such a beautiful, precious girl and that my friend from my childhood was now a Mom.  I probably scared poor baby S - "who is this crazy lady crying and saying hi to me?" Man that was emotional.  Not sure what to make of my hormones lately.  AF is due tomorrow - I am hoping she decided to take a 9 month vacation.  please, please.

Earth Shattering, Life Altering events.

I'm watching the season premiere of The Bi.g.g.est Los.er tonight and I am crying and sobbing as I'm listening to Abby's story. I've never witnessed such strength and courage before. To have everyone you love, your DH, DD, and 2 week old precious newborn ripped from you in such a tragic event is so catastrophic and cataclysmic - I cannot even imagine. I don't understand why it had to happen. I don't understand why people, good people, are put through such trials and tribulations. Until now, my earth shattering event has been this road to become a mom. But after hearing Abby's story, it hit me that just because the journey to become a mom is successful, it doesn't necessarily always mean a happy ending. I'm sure there is a reason God wrote these events in her Life book - but right now, I can't accept that those beautiful children had to die and her hubby had to leave her side. It's just all too sad.

Needless to say, I'll be rooting for her this season. :(

the waiting game

I hate waiting in lines. I don't like making other people wait.  I would suck as a waitress. I hating being put on hold for a long period of time by cable companies over the phone.  Do you get the picture yet? I hate the 2WW!! 

Since I O'd last Monday I've been trying hard  NOT think about it at all but of course I'm analyzing every twingey cramp-down-there I feel, looking closely at the TP for any signs of anything, and just plain getting obsessed with "am I or aren't I?" !!

I need to relax.  I need to wind down.  I'm fighting a cold right now so that has my body very tired and feeling lazy in general. I'm waiting patiently (ha ha) for my Tracey Anderson Mat Workout DVD to arrive - I can't wait (!) to start this workout b/c I need to get off of this every growing arse and get fit! Because everyone knows when winter rolls around, it's hibernation time.  For me, anyway ;)

A shout out and congrats to Nicole and Cheryl for their recent BFPs - I'm so so happy for you ladies and I hope this week flies by so I can find out whether or not I'll be joining the club!

I leave you all with this chuckle for the day:

So the verdict is..

..all is normal. It was probably the quickest doctor's appointment I've ever been to in my life.  I did ask about an SHG but my doctor said that nothing in my history points to any uterine issues and that miscarrying twice was nothing but nature's course - and basically, just be patient and keep trying. 

I asked about fibroids (b/c my GP said that I had a very very small, quote, insignificant one from one of my ultrasounds) but the OB said that both of my pregnancies ended so early on that it wouldn't indicate that it had anything to do with miscarriage. In hindsight, I know I could have pushed more, but what she did said did make sense to me and I am satisfied right now with where I am in 'the plan'.  So no more testing at this point.

Since we got the green light Thursday, we've been BD'ing like bunnies on speed during these 'magic days'.  I have my hopes up but we'll see what happens.  There's only so much a girl can do (and as you all know, doing a the headstand on the bed after the deed 'just to help things along' is not a simple feat) *sigh* what we women won't do to make it happen, even if it has no medical proof that it does help!

Life is a funny thing - Mini makeover

Ok so I fiddled with the background templates and read up on how to play with HTML and...ta da! I *think* I'm happy with what it looks like so far. I added in a picture in the header that I snapped last summer of the gorgeous flowers in my mom's garden - isn't it such a pretty colour?

I also decided to update my Blog Title because when I first started this blog, it felt like life was playing a cruel joke on us by getting pregnant so 'easily' and then to lose it just as fast (hence, life is a funny thing). But the more my heart and soul has begun to heal, the more that I understand that all I really need, to get through all that lies ahead, is love. Eternal love from God, honest love from my hubby, protective love from my parents and sister, compassionate love from beautiful strangers in blogosphere.

Coincidentally, "All you need is love" are the very words that I had stamped on our chopstick holders at our wedding reception. The chinese character means Love and I found a stamp at Michael's with cursive writing 'all you need is love'. It was super cute and just perfect for the 200 handmade chopstick holders. It's too bad my picture doesn't do it justice.

So that's it for the mini makeover for now. I hope it's not too much hassle that I changed my blog title (I promise it will not happen again ;) but it's still me, just made over.

September, month nine, nine months

So September is here. It marks the end of summer, end of warm evenings (albeit not so warm this summer here) and BBQs. It also marks the month that I would have been excitedly counting down the days to welcome a baby boy or girl into our lives from pregnancy #1. I didn't think this 'EDD' would have come so soon, but I guess that's what happens when you're not pregnant and not doing 'the countdown'.

It just sort of creeps up on you, and when I flipped my hanging calendar at work today, it just hit me. I've come a long way since then, I know, but this month was supposed to be joyous, and supposed to bring us a new baby to love and a new beginning. As the leaves are starting to change colour (I saw red leaves this morning on the way to work!) and the daylight is getting shorter, it just makes me sad feeling that I am no where near that joyous time of our lives just yet.

There is still so much hope for this month, I am not charting or anything fancy, just going with my 'magic days' that I know now based on the last two times we were successful. I started on baby aspirin a few weeks ago, and have doubled up my folic acid of no reason other than it can't hurt and I feel like I have to do something. I have my follow up dr.'s appt this Thursday to review the results of the bloodwork we did last Monday---I'm a bit apprehensive but dying to know if anything is out of sorts that we can address and fix for the next time. I think I might be hoping too much that something is wrong, which of course I don't want but at the same time, will give me a reason why it happened twice. I'm debating whether or not I should push for an HSG if there is 'no result' from the tests -- I'm leaning towards a yes..

September is here and I am accepting it. I don't have to like it but hopefully next year, this time, things will be different. For the better. :)