I am breathless. I am numb. I am scared. But I am also so thankful to God for giving us another shot, another chance.
Rewind back to last night - I lay there for a few hours, tossing and turning, anticipating what today would bring. It was like I had the good and bad angel on my shoulders:
Bad angel: You were probably just imagining that your boobs were sore, full and heavy.
Good angel: But how do you explain the other nite -was it bad wedding food or was it really nausea that hit you on the way home?
Good angel: What if you're pregnant? what month would my EDD be?
Bad angel: What if you're not? are you ready to start this all over again?
Good angel: If you are preggers, will you be able to travel for work in November?
Bad angel: Why are you even thinking that far ahead?
and so on and so on.
I was frustrated that DH was sound asleep and I was no where close to it so I got out of bed and consulted with Dr. Google on 13DPO symptoms until my eyelids got heavy and I ran out of 'search for x symptom' ideas.
I woke up when it was still dark outside, it must have been about 5 am. I had already unpacked the pee sticks the night before so I wouldn't make a lot of noise with the packaging in the morning so I just grabbed one beside my box of pads and held my breath. I flipped it over so I couldn't see anything and counted to 30 before taking a deep breath and psyching myself up to seeing the result. The pic above said it all. To feel joy and fear all in the same moment was a strange feeling.
I took a couple of deep breaths and woke DH up to tell him the news. It was funny because he was half asleep, half awake when I blurted out that we're pregnant again - and once he realized I was really talking to him and it wasn't a dream, he grabbed me into a big hug and we congratulated each other with a big kiss;) I told him to go back to sleep - which he did - but I lay there with thoughts racing, already a to-do list in my mind, and waves of nausea no matter which way I was laying down (I'm not complaining though - I never had this this early in any of my previous pregnancies so I'm actually embracing it)
I've been calling my OB's office all day to try and get an appt to get bloodwork done, but in the meantime, I went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened this morning to fill out my script for Prom.etrium (Prog.es.ter.one Supp.ositor.ies). Can I say Ew and Gross, ladies. They don't even come with an applicator! They *look* like pills you can swallow but according to the pharmacist (who was very sweet btw, I'll tell you more about that conversation in another post) I had to shove this tiny ball (it literally looks like a pellet) up my hooha and call it a day. Twice a day. I did it this morning and (sorry tmi) I couldn't tell if I had gotten it up far enough but since it didn't fall out I'm assuming I did good.
And so I've been sitting here, trying to go about my job (yes I was still working and taking conference calls through all of this!) and yearning for the phone to ring. I gave the OB's office two phone #'s to reach me and I have to give them credit, they did call me this morning, but I was at the pharmacy. They didn't call my cell but it's my fault I should've just given them one number in the first place.
I stocked up a few more tests so I can use those to see how dark the line is getting if I don't get to see my OB soon. I just really really need to see those levels go up so I don't go into panic mode. It is still really early in the pregnancy so I'm hoping the supp.ositor.ies keep my lining nice and thick and strong. Please keep us in your prayers - I will need a lot of them these next few months!
I just want this baby so badly. I want to be his/her's Mommy. I want my hubby to be a Daddy.
Please God, please let us keep this one.
***(I am so sorry if this post hurts any of my fellow blogger friends - I am right there with you, feeling your pain of this constant roller coaster. I have not forgotten how it feels like to not be the one giving the news.)
**** update: OB office just called and I got an appt for tomorrow afternoon..here we go..