Monday, September 28, 2009

September 27

That was the EDD of our first, yesterday.  I did not cry and I did not feel the way I thought I was going to feel this day. In fact, I felt really guilty that I didn't even remember the significance of this day until early afternoon as I was planting tulips with my sister and putting out fall fertilizer in the front and back lawn.  It struck me that the last time I planted, it was 2 rose bushes, one for each m/c this year.

This does not mean that I still don't wish and hope that September 27 would have been a different day. I hope our angel baby is safe and sound and that he or she knows how loved they were by us.  But I have to believe that God had plotted a different path for us to take, and I have to believe that we are not parents right now because He wanted us to experience how deeply we loved each other in the good and bad times, and to realize just how much we wanted to grow our family and begin a new stage in our lives.

With this new pregnancy, as much as I repeat my mantra every morning, every day and every night, I am still fearful. I have given this pregnancy to God and I am trusting that He will take care of me, no matter what happens. I have not gone in for my 2nd blood test yet - even though last Wednesday I was ready to bust into the blood lab the next day. 

Part of me is just wanting to put all of this in a box and pretend that everything is alright, and that I'll open it when I'm good and ready to.  If I follow my OB's orders, then technically, my next blood draw will be nice and high and my worries would be quashed. The other part of me is scared to death that I will get the impending bad news and I will plummet back into the scary depths of sorrow that I am not ready to go back to.

I know, either way, I still need to find out. I need to suck it up and be brave. But it's so hard to when I've been crushed twice. I am not sure how I will fare if this one meets the same destiny.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers this week..

7 comments:

  1. I passed my first due date just a few days after I got this positive test. The conflict of emotions was crazy, but it wasn't in the forefront of my mind, either.
    I'll keep thinking about you.

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  2. I think you are doing an amazing job!! I have been praying for you every day and will continue doing so.

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  3. ((BIG HUG)). You're doing great Wendy. I let the 2 year anniversary of losing our son Zachary go by this year. It's not that I didn't know the significance, it's just that I have come to accept the loss. It was a good thing I guess that I didn't feel the need to be so sad like I was in the previous year. That being said, I still miss him and wish we never lost him. I take out the box the hospital gave me from time to time. I hold the blanket we held him in and I look over his photo's. It's good to look back now and again, it reminds me of what I'm fighting for. I kind of felt and still feel a sense of guilt for not doing something special on the 2nd anniversary, but then I think of how proud he must be of me for finding peace. He know's how much I love him and miss him in my heart.

    I pray your blood test will come out good and strong. Just take it day by day :)

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  4. I'm thinking of and praying for you. This was a beautiful post. I'm glad that you and your husband have grown to love each other more and more, even in the bad times. God bless!

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  5. I also passed my due date right after I found out I was PG with this one.
    I really hope for both of us this 3rd time's a charm! Sticky baby dust to us both. Can't wait to hear about your good blood results!

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  6. you sound EXACTLY like me. I even forgot the EDD of my 2nd pregnancy till like 2 days afterwards b/c I was preggo with this one. And like you, I didn't want to get into all the numbers b/c I was loving the ignorant bliss (well as loving as you can get while having NO IDEA what was going on in my body). Anyways, your faith will pull you through. Be strong in faith, and fully persuaded that would God has promised, he is able to perform.

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  7. I can relate - I cried, remembered and wrote about all my feelings on the EDD of my first m/c in my blog... but for #2 & 3 I forgot and then felt awful. I was so caught up in this pgcy... but that's part of the healing process, I guess. I hope everything comes back nice and high with your blood draw tomorrow, thinking strong beta thoughts for you!

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