That was the EDD of our first, yesterday. I did not cry and I did not feel the way I thought I was going to feel this day. In fact, I felt really guilty that I didn't even remember the significance of this day until early afternoon as I was planting tulips with my sister and putting out fall fertilizer in the front and back lawn. It struck me that the last time I planted, it was 2 rose bushes, one for each m/c this year.
This does not mean that I still don't wish and hope that September 27 would have been a different day. I hope our angel baby is safe and sound and that he or she knows how loved they were by us. But I have to believe that God had plotted a different path for us to take, and I have to believe that we are not parents right now because He wanted us to experience how deeply we loved each other in the good and bad times, and to realize just how much we wanted to grow our family and begin a new stage in our lives.
With this new pregnancy, as much as I repeat my mantra every morning, every day and every night, I am still fearful. I have given this pregnancy to God and I am trusting that He will take care of me, no matter what happens. I have not gone in for my 2nd blood test yet - even though last Wednesday I was ready to bust into the blood lab the next day.
Part of me is just wanting to put all of this in a box and pretend that everything is alright, and that I'll open it when I'm good and ready to. If I follow my OB's orders, then technically, my next blood draw will be nice and high and my worries would be quashed. The other part of me is scared to death that I will get the impending bad news and I will plummet back into the scary depths of sorrow that I am not ready to go back to.
I know, either way, I still need to find out. I need to suck it up and be brave. But it's so hard to when I've been crushed twice. I am not sure how I will fare if this one meets the same destiny. Please continue to keep me in your prayers this week..