Serenity now

Been having the strangest dreams lately. All which make little sense after coming out of the sleepy fog but for some reason or other, it has become quite common that I've been waking up drenched in sweat. 

I mean like, my pj's sticking to my back and bum kind of sweat.  I usually end up throwing all the covers off of me and try to get to side of the bed where there is still a sliver of coolness on the mattress that was untouched by my gross sweaty body. 

Gross eh?  

Anyhoos. 

Had a great time at our monthly girls' nite last night. Felt kinda awkward when I had to excuse myself to go to the washroom to stick another huge candy corn sized P-Sup up my hoo-ha - esp. awkward b/c my gf lives in a basement apartment and the only washroom is literally right next to the living room and everywhere else.  

Girl's gotta do whatcha gotta do right? 
The P-Sups are definitely impacting my body now- the girls are all tingly and sore, I'm feeling bloated 80% of the time, and I literally couldn't keep my eyes open after 10:30 in between keeping up the chatter with my lovely ladies.  


Got home just after midnight and promptly passed out after washing up, only to wake up again at 3 to go the washroom and then again at 9 to commence Operation Candy Corn.  Only when I woke up the second time this morning, a crazy thought popped into my head. 


Maybe I should POAS - just for the fun of it? 


And as quickly as it came into my head, I tried to push it out.  That's just crazy talk. Today is only 11DPO.  


But in my sweaty, sleepy fog, the thought crept back in.  I had already been so calm during my 2WW - and I would be ok with either outcome - so, what's the diff between now and Tuesday when I go in for a scheduled beta? 


So I did.  


POAS. 






and it was a faint positive.



My heart started pounding when I saw the hint of the other line appear to make the 'plus' sign.  I turned it over as I washed my hands.  Turned it over again to double check.  And held up to light to triple check.  


DH was still sound asleep so I placed the hpt in his drawer, on top of his electric shaver, and crawled back into bed and said a quick prayer.  I prayed for strength, I prayed for faithfulness, I prayed for what was to come, whether or not this will be ours to keep in 9 months.   

Mostly, I sent prayers up of thanks. I am so thankful to have this shot again. Thank you God. Thank you so much. 


I made myself a promise that I would not stress or panic over symptom-hunting or beta-obsessing. I will accept whatever will be and I'll need your help to remind me of this promise I made to myself when and if I do start to hyperventilate.I will need your help to pray for me and for this new life, my lil' prayer warriors.  I know that whatever God ordained is already in play, so whether or not this new life is with us for a short while, just to give us hope - that we'll be ok.

Today I am pregnant - as per a fellow blogger - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~ Isaiah 41:10

p.s. We officially woke up out of bed around 10 and I kept glancing over at DH while we were brushing our teeth to see when he would open his drawer.  He hopped in the shower and I left the bathroom after I was done my business.  He normally shaves after a shower so I knew it was going to be a while.  I was in the living room casually and watching HGT.V non-chalant type of way when the shower stopped. DH burst out of the washroom a few seconds after that and proclaimed "I knew something was up!!" while flinging my faint positive pee stick around.  We embraced and kissed. We both knew this was a blessing. We both knew that this was not going to be any easy road ahead. 

But for the moment this morning, we enjoyed whole wheat pancakes, omelettes and hash browns to commemorate our fourth chance.  I totally love this man and I want him to be a daddy one day.  Hopefully this will be ours to hold.