3rd strike

If I were a major league baseball pitcher, I would be happy. But instead, I am drained, numb, disappointed and sad.  This is how I have been feeling for the past 24 hours. I started spotting brown Monday night, before going to bed. By Tuesday morning, the brown turned to red. I had to go into work yesterday because I had a few face to face meetings that I could not miss due to a big event I am running tomorrow and Friday.  But then it started, at work no less.  Dull cramps (not painful like my other 2 m/c) but clots passing. I feared the worst.  I know the worst. 

I called my OB office and left a vm and they immediately called me back.  My OB still wants me to do my blood draw today and then come in to see her on Monday.

I went home early yesterday after my meetings and just changed into my flannel pj's and curled up on the couch with some herbal tea.  Absorbed myself in whatever was on TV until my hubby came home and the floodgates opened. I cried but I did not wail. Just hot tears running down my face in disbelief that we are back at this point again.  I am just so heartbroken.

My hubby was great, as always - but how many times can we go through this until it has a happy ending?
I am numb, I want to cry but I have no more energy left.
I just need to get through this week with my work commitments and then I need to crawl into bed and sleep for days. 
Thank you all for your prayers and support during my brief week and a half that I knew I was pregnant.  
I gave this pregnancy over to God the day I found out, but again, I guess he had better plans for us.

I'll find out the results of the blood draw tomorrow, but I already know what they will be.

September 27

That was the EDD of our first, yesterday.  I did not cry and I did not feel the way I thought I was going to feel this day. In fact, I felt really guilty that I didn't even remember the significance of this day until early afternoon as I was planting tulips with my sister and putting out fall fertilizer in the front and back lawn.  It struck me that the last time I planted, it was 2 rose bushes, one for each m/c this year.

This does not mean that I still don't wish and hope that September 27 would have been a different day. I hope our angel baby is safe and sound and that he or she knows how loved they were by us.  But I have to believe that God had plotted a different path for us to take, and I have to believe that we are not parents right now because He wanted us to experience how deeply we loved each other in the good and bad times, and to realize just how much we wanted to grow our family and begin a new stage in our lives.

With this new pregnancy, as much as I repeat my mantra every morning, every day and every night, I am still fearful. I have given this pregnancy to God and I am trusting that He will take care of me, no matter what happens. I have not gone in for my 2nd blood test yet - even though last Wednesday I was ready to bust into the blood lab the next day. 

Part of me is just wanting to put all of this in a box and pretend that everything is alright, and that I'll open it when I'm good and ready to.  If I follow my OB's orders, then technically, my next blood draw will be nice and high and my worries would be quashed. The other part of me is scared to death that I will get the impending bad news and I will plummet back into the scary depths of sorrow that I am not ready to go back to.

I know, either way, I still need to find out. I need to suck it up and be brave. But it's so hard to when I've been crushed twice. I am not sure how I will fare if this one meets the same destiny.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers this week..

Calm after the storm

So I'm feeling much better today, thank you thank you so much for your comments yesterday during my panic attack moment.  Although I still don't know what the outcome of everything will be, I do have to remember that whatever my body needs to do, it will (thanks BMom for the reminder)- and as much as I will it to, if it wasn't meant to be, there is nothing I can do to change it - #'s are #'s.  My boobs are still sore and I had a bit of the queasy feeling back this morning, started to get constipated a few days ago (sorry tmi), and from time to time, still feeling the dull cramps, and no spotting to report.  

I left a message with the OB's office saying that I would like to do my next draw at least Monday so I think I will go in then (I already have the requisition so it's just me going to the lab)

Last nite was a blessing in disguise. My good friend and her hubby and baby came over for dinner (the one who I melted down in front of)  and we had a really good time catching up - and baby S and I hit it off from the get go (she would climb up to me on the couch and put in her head down on my shoulder- I know, heart strings) and I immediately felt comforted with this little being in my arms.  I have a busy few days coming up - girls nite tomorrow and then another wedding on Saturday - and I want to plant some tulips and do some light gardening on Sunday - so should occupy me until Monday comes around.  Key word being should. 
Thanks again for your encouragement and prayers ladies, it means the world to me right now as this is still a 'secret' from my family/close friends until I get more confirmation. Until then, I only have DH and my own crazy thoughts.

Manic Panic

Ok ladies so the rollercoaster began as of this morning, when I decided to take another pee test to see what the difference was from 14 DPO and today, 16 DPO. It freaked me out when I didn't really see a noticeable difference in the line darkness - I *think* it was a bit darker but it was really too close to tell.

So of course I'm starting to think everything is about to go downhill - my boobs are still sore (I sped up over speed bumps this morning and 'strutted' more in my high heels to 'make sure') - and I still have the dull cramping on and off and no bleeding/spotting; but the queasy feelings have subsided a bit. I still can't shake this nagging fear that this one is a goner too. 

I hate this, I hate not know for sure and I guess the reality of it all is that you never will know for sure until you have a baby in your arms at the end of it all.  I just have to keep trusting in God and place my fears and anxieties with Him.  I admire all you ladies that are currently a few weeks ahead of me in your journey - no part of this has been easy and I'm sure it will only get more 'interesting' as I get further and further. If I get further.

Please keep your prayers coming.  I need some strength right about now.

** update - Dr.'s office just called.  My HCG at 15 DPO is 50.  They said it was low and would like me to re-test next Wed. I asked why not sooner (b/c I thought it would be every 48 hrs) and she said the dr. said a week would be more tell-tale. I think it's because if I end up with another m/c there would be no point to do it more often - therefore if I haven't m/c by next week then it'll be 'testable'. Oh gosh, my head is spinning now.

Some details before I forget

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and words of encouragement.  I know it's going to be a long road ahead so I'm just going to take it day by day and keeping remembering the mantra, 'today I am pregnant" and whatever happens will happen because it was already written in God's plan for me.

I finally had a decent sleep last night after the previous night of tossing and turning. I woke up this morning in a bit of a daze, as if yesterday was just a nice dream. But then I remembered the "+" and that I had to do another supp.o.sit.ory shove after my morning loo. Right back to my reality. ;)

I know when I was in the 2WW I was obsessed with symptoms and what other women had experienced so here's my rundown of what I remember:

CD14/15 "O day" - dull cramps on my left side

4 DPO - I got sick with a head cold, lasted for 4 days

7-9 DPO - face breaking out like crazy , tired all the time

10 DPO on- consistently waking up blazing hot (I never charted so I have no clue), exhaustion

11 DPO - DH noticed the girls were quite full and round

12 DPO - periodic cramping (like about to get AF),boobs feeling heavy and sore when bumped, wave of nausea hit me on the way home from wedding reception (to the point where I had to rip off of my restricting strapless bra in the car, on the freeway)

13 DPO - burping, cramping off and on, heavy boobs, queasy feeling at night, peeing in middle of night, noticed strong smelling pee

14 DPO - crampy twinges, nausea more noticeable throughout day and night, more aware of certain smells, peeing in middle of night

15 DPO (today) - crampy twinges off and on (but a bit less than yesterday), nausea in the morning before food but not as much as yesterday

that's all for now!  Off to my appt in a few hours so I'm praying for a good first blood draw. One of many to come I'm sure!

Oh boy.

I'm pregnant. 

(CD 28/14 DPO)

I am breathless. I am numb. I am scared. But I am also so thankful to God for giving us another shot, another chance.

Rewind back to last night - I lay there for a few hours, tossing and turning, anticipating what today would bring.  It was like I had the good and bad angel on my shoulders: 

Bad angel: You were probably just imagining that your boobs were sore, full and heavy.

Good angel: But how do you explain the other nite -was it bad wedding food or was it really nausea that hit you on the way home?

Good angel: What if you're pregnant? what month would my EDD be?

Bad angel: What if you're not? are you ready to start this all over again?

Good angel: If you are preggers, will you be able to travel for work in November?

Bad angel: Why are you even thinking that far ahead?

and so on and so on.

I was frustrated that DH was sound asleep and I was no where close to it so I got out of bed and consulted with Dr. Google on 13DPO symptoms until my eyelids got heavy and I ran out of 'search for x symptom' ideas.

I woke up when it was still dark outside, it must have been about 5 am.  I had already unpacked the pee sticks the night before so I wouldn't make a lot of noise with the packaging in the morning so I just grabbed one beside my box of pads and held my breath. I flipped it over so I couldn't see anything and counted to 30 before taking a deep breath and psyching myself up to seeing the result. The pic above said it all.  To feel joy and fear all in the same moment was a strange feeling.

I took a couple of deep breaths and woke DH up to tell him the news.  It was funny because he was half asleep, half awake when I blurted out that we're pregnant again - and once he realized I was really talking to him and it wasn't a dream, he grabbed me into a big hug and we congratulated each other with a big kiss;) I told him to go back to sleep - which he did - but I lay there with thoughts racing, already a to-do list in my mind, and waves of nausea no matter which way I was laying down (I'm not complaining though - I never had this this early in any of my previous pregnancies so I'm actually embracing it)

I've been calling my OB's office all day to try and get an appt to get bloodwork done, but in the meantime, I went to the pharmacy as soon as it opened this morning to fill out my script for Prom.etrium (Prog.es.ter.one Supp.ositor.ies).  Can I say Ew and Gross, ladies. They don't even come with an applicator!  They *look* like pills you can swallow but according to the pharmacist (who was very sweet btw, I'll tell you more about that conversation in another post) I had to shove this tiny ball (it literally looks like a pellet) up my hooha and call it a day.  Twice a day.  I did it this morning and (sorry tmi)  I couldn't tell if I had gotten it up far enough but since it didn't fall out I'm assuming I did good. 

And so I've been sitting here, trying to go about my job (yes I was still working and taking conference calls through all of this!) and yearning for the phone to ring.  I gave the OB's office two phone #'s to reach me and I have to give them credit, they did call me this morning, but I was at the pharmacy. They didn't call my cell but it's my fault I should've just given them one number in the first place. 

I stocked up a few more tests so I can use those to see how dark the line is getting if I don't get to see my OB soon.  I just really really need to see those levels go up so I don't go into panic mode.  It is still really early in the pregnancy so I'm hoping the supp.ositor.ies keep my lining nice and thick and strong. Please keep us in your prayers - I will need a lot of them these next few months!

I just want this baby so badly. I want to be his/her's Mommy. I want my hubby to be a Daddy.

Please God, please let us keep this one.

***(I am so sorry if this post hurts any of my fellow blogger friends - I am right there with you, feeling your pain of this constant roller coaster. I have not forgotten how it feels like to not be the one giving the news.)

**** update: OB office just called and I got an appt for tomorrow afternoon..here we go..

Tears runneth over

An old, very dear friend of mine is here to visit from San Fransico for a mutual friends' wedding this coming weekend.  Last time her and her hubby were here, it was just the two of them.  Now, one year later, they are joined by their beautiful baby daughter, who recently turned one.  Seeing as she has not met her Canadian family and friends yet, today was a big combined celebration of her 1 year birthday and 'meet baby S' for the first time.  I was a bit nervous going to this party because I knew there were going to be babies, pregnant women, toddlers, people asking people when their next one will be, you get the picture. 

But I was so excited to see my friend and meet her little one.  My friend and I have known each other since before we had hair, so this was going to be extra special.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to me until I saw her and her baby for the first time.  We hugged and then it was just over. 

Floodgates just opened and I wept openly. Literally, no word of a lie, make up running down my face type of cry.  They were not sad tears about not having a babe in my arms, but happy tears that she had such a beautiful, precious girl and that my friend from my childhood was now a Mom.  I probably scared poor baby S - "who is this crazy lady crying and saying hi to me?" Man that was emotional.  Not sure what to make of my hormones lately.  AF is due tomorrow - I am hoping she decided to take a 9 month vacation.  please, please.

Earth Shattering, Life Altering events.

I'm watching the season premiere of The Bi.g.g.est Los.er tonight and I am crying and sobbing as I'm listening to Abby's story. I've never witnessed such strength and courage before. To have everyone you love, your DH, DD, and 2 week old precious newborn ripped from you in such a tragic event is so catastrophic and cataclysmic - I cannot even imagine. I don't understand why it had to happen. I don't understand why people, good people, are put through such trials and tribulations. Until now, my earth shattering event has been this road to become a mom. But after hearing Abby's story, it hit me that just because the journey to become a mom is successful, it doesn't necessarily always mean a happy ending. I'm sure there is a reason God wrote these events in her Life book - but right now, I can't accept that those beautiful children had to die and her hubby had to leave her side. It's just all too sad.

Needless to say, I'll be rooting for her this season. :(

the waiting game

I hate waiting in lines. I don't like making other people wait.  I would suck as a waitress. I hating being put on hold for a long period of time by cable companies over the phone.  Do you get the picture yet? I hate the 2WW!! 

Since I O'd last Monday I've been trying hard  NOT think about it at all but of course I'm analyzing every twingey cramp-down-there I feel, looking closely at the TP for any signs of anything, and just plain getting obsessed with "am I or aren't I?" !!

I need to relax.  I need to wind down.  I'm fighting a cold right now so that has my body very tired and feeling lazy in general. I'm waiting patiently (ha ha) for my Tracey Anderson Mat Workout DVD to arrive - I can't wait (!) to start this workout b/c I need to get off of this every growing arse and get fit! Because everyone knows when winter rolls around, it's hibernation time.  For me, anyway ;)

A shout out and congrats to Nicole and Cheryl for their recent BFPs - I'm so so happy for you ladies and I hope this week flies by so I can find out whether or not I'll be joining the club!

I leave you all with this chuckle for the day:

So the verdict is..

..all is normal. It was probably the quickest doctor's appointment I've ever been to in my life.  I did ask about an SHG but my doctor said that nothing in my history points to any uterine issues and that miscarrying twice was nothing but nature's course - and basically, just be patient and keep trying. 

I asked about fibroids (b/c my GP said that I had a very very small, quote, insignificant one from one of my ultrasounds) but the OB said that both of my pregnancies ended so early on that it wouldn't indicate that it had anything to do with miscarriage. In hindsight, I know I could have pushed more, but what she did said did make sense to me and I am satisfied right now with where I am in 'the plan'.  So no more testing at this point.

Since we got the green light Thursday, we've been BD'ing like bunnies on speed during these 'magic days'.  I have my hopes up but we'll see what happens.  There's only so much a girl can do (and as you all know, doing a the headstand on the bed after the deed 'just to help things along' is not a simple feat) *sigh* what we women won't do to make it happen, even if it has no medical proof that it does help!

Life is a funny thing - Mini makeover

Ok so I fiddled with the background templates and read up on how to play with HTML and...ta da! I *think* I'm happy with what it looks like so far. I added in a picture in the header that I snapped last summer of the gorgeous flowers in my mom's garden - isn't it such a pretty colour?

I also decided to update my Blog Title because when I first started this blog, it felt like life was playing a cruel joke on us by getting pregnant so 'easily' and then to lose it just as fast (hence, life is a funny thing). But the more my heart and soul has begun to heal, the more that I understand that all I really need, to get through all that lies ahead, is love. Eternal love from God, honest love from my hubby, protective love from my parents and sister, compassionate love from beautiful strangers in blogosphere.

Coincidentally, "All you need is love" are the very words that I had stamped on our chopstick holders at our wedding reception. The chinese character means Love and I found a stamp at Michael's with cursive writing 'all you need is love'. It was super cute and just perfect for the 200 handmade chopstick holders. It's too bad my picture doesn't do it justice.

So that's it for the mini makeover for now. I hope it's not too much hassle that I changed my blog title (I promise it will not happen again ;) but it's still me, just made over.

September, month nine, nine months

So September is here. It marks the end of summer, end of warm evenings (albeit not so warm this summer here) and BBQs. It also marks the month that I would have been excitedly counting down the days to welcome a baby boy or girl into our lives from pregnancy #1. I didn't think this 'EDD' would have come so soon, but I guess that's what happens when you're not pregnant and not doing 'the countdown'.

It just sort of creeps up on you, and when I flipped my hanging calendar at work today, it just hit me. I've come a long way since then, I know, but this month was supposed to be joyous, and supposed to bring us a new baby to love and a new beginning. As the leaves are starting to change colour (I saw red leaves this morning on the way to work!) and the daylight is getting shorter, it just makes me sad feeling that I am no where near that joyous time of our lives just yet.

There is still so much hope for this month, I am not charting or anything fancy, just going with my 'magic days' that I know now based on the last two times we were successful. I started on baby aspirin a few weeks ago, and have doubled up my folic acid of no reason other than it can't hurt and I feel like I have to do something. I have my follow up dr.'s appt this Thursday to review the results of the bloodwork we did last Monday---I'm a bit apprehensive but dying to know if anything is out of sorts that we can address and fix for the next time. I think I might be hoping too much that something is wrong, which of course I don't want but at the same time, will give me a reason why it happened twice. I'm debating whether or not I should push for an HSG if there is 'no result' from the tests -- I'm leaning towards a yes..

September is here and I am accepting it. I don't have to like it but hopefully next year, this time, things will be different. For the better. :)