Serenity now

Been having the strangest dreams lately. All which make little sense after coming out of the sleepy fog but for some reason or other, it has become quite common that I've been waking up drenched in sweat. 

I mean like, my pj's sticking to my back and bum kind of sweat.  I usually end up throwing all the covers off of me and try to get to side of the bed where there is still a sliver of coolness on the mattress that was untouched by my gross sweaty body. 

Gross eh?  

Anyhoos. 

Had a great time at our monthly girls' nite last night. Felt kinda awkward when I had to excuse myself to go to the washroom to stick another huge candy corn sized P-Sup up my hoo-ha - esp. awkward b/c my gf lives in a basement apartment and the only washroom is literally right next to the living room and everywhere else.  

Girl's gotta do whatcha gotta do right? 
The P-Sups are definitely impacting my body now- the girls are all tingly and sore, I'm feeling bloated 80% of the time, and I literally couldn't keep my eyes open after 10:30 in between keeping up the chatter with my lovely ladies.  


Got home just after midnight and promptly passed out after washing up, only to wake up again at 3 to go the washroom and then again at 9 to commence Operation Candy Corn.  Only when I woke up the second time this morning, a crazy thought popped into my head. 


Maybe I should POAS - just for the fun of it? 


And as quickly as it came into my head, I tried to push it out.  That's just crazy talk. Today is only 11DPO.  


But in my sweaty, sleepy fog, the thought crept back in.  I had already been so calm during my 2WW - and I would be ok with either outcome - so, what's the diff between now and Tuesday when I go in for a scheduled beta? 


So I did.  


POAS. 






and it was a faint positive.



My heart started pounding when I saw the hint of the other line appear to make the 'plus' sign.  I turned it over as I washed my hands.  Turned it over again to double check.  And held up to light to triple check.  


DH was still sound asleep so I placed the hpt in his drawer, on top of his electric shaver, and crawled back into bed and said a quick prayer.  I prayed for strength, I prayed for faithfulness, I prayed for what was to come, whether or not this will be ours to keep in 9 months.   

Mostly, I sent prayers up of thanks. I am so thankful to have this shot again. Thank you God. Thank you so much. 


I made myself a promise that I would not stress or panic over symptom-hunting or beta-obsessing. I will accept whatever will be and I'll need your help to remind me of this promise I made to myself when and if I do start to hyperventilate.I will need your help to pray for me and for this new life, my lil' prayer warriors.  I know that whatever God ordained is already in play, so whether or not this new life is with us for a short while, just to give us hope - that we'll be ok.

Today I am pregnant - as per a fellow blogger - I am pregnant until proven otherwise. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~ Isaiah 41:10

p.s. We officially woke up out of bed around 10 and I kept glancing over at DH while we were brushing our teeth to see when he would open his drawer.  He hopped in the shower and I left the bathroom after I was done my business.  He normally shaves after a shower so I knew it was going to be a while.  I was in the living room casually and watching HGT.V non-chalant type of way when the shower stopped. DH burst out of the washroom a few seconds after that and proclaimed "I knew something was up!!" while flinging my faint positive pee stick around.  We embraced and kissed. We both knew this was a blessing. We both knew that this was not going to be any easy road ahead. 

But for the moment this morning, we enjoyed whole wheat pancakes, omelettes and hash browns to commemorate our fourth chance.  I totally love this man and I want him to be a daddy one day.  Hopefully this will be ours to hold. 

Angel watching from above

I missed watching it live last night but I certainly heard about it all over the news this morning. I just re-watched it on tv just now and I'm am just a hot mess in tears over Joann.ie Roch.ette's performance during the Women's Short Program last night. 


For those of you that don't know, Joan.nie Ro.chette is one of Canada's favourite skaters. Just a few days ago, this past Sunday, her parents arrived in Vancouver from Montreal to watch their daughter skate in the Olympics, but sadly and suddenly, her mother passed away shortly after arriving.  


She didn't have to skate. She didn't owe anyone anything. But she did it for her Mom and you can tell when you watch the performance that her Mom was watching over her last night.  If you get a chance you should check out her performance online. It is truly inspiring and heartfelt, and I think one of the most memorable performances you will ever see this Olympic Winter Games. 


I pray that God will be watching over her and her family as she finishes up her olympic skate tomorrow night - what a strong woman! 

A different 2WW

Not sure if it's the knowing that spring is just around the corner but there has been a 'spring' in my step lately and I'm not sure why.  Could it be that I'm in the middle of another 2WW?  nah, I'm usually anxious and stressed out.  

but wait, but I am in the middle of another 2WW - so what gives? 

I'm really happy, actually, that I am in this place right now and not where I was around this time the last cycle. I had been praying for peace and for comfort and my prayers have really been answered.  I am going into this last leg of the 2WW thinking that hey, I'm doing what my specialist told me to do, (I started the anti-thyroid antibodies a few weeks ago, and started my prog. suppositories on Day 18)  I'm eating well, etc. so if there is a baby baking inside right now that's great, I'm doing the right things - and by chance if it's not this cycle, then it's ok as well.  


The suppositories are not that bad actually, so either I'm putting it in the wrong place, or I just have a higher tolerance for icky stuff. Either way, it hasn't changed my world too much.  I have been feeling really sluggish lately so not sure if that's a side effect or maybe my body is saying EXERCISE ME (oh man I've been in a slump!) - but other than that, not much to report. My bbs were sore prior to me starting the progesterone and I had crampy feelings but I am not going to read too much into anything at this point. 


My dr. wants me to go in for a blood test next Tuesday so if it's positive, then hooray we go onto the next step, but if not, I'm hopping off the progesterone to let AF come.  

I ask that you continue to pray that I stay in this peaceful state - b/c who knows what the tail end of this is going to look like ;0)

 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails - Proverbs 19:21

Vday recap and 1 year ago..

Hope everyone had a great Valentine's with their sweethearts and loved ones! 

Where we live, we also had Monday off for 'Family Day' and on Saturday we spent the evening with my parents and sister to ring in Chinese New Year - Year of the Tiger! What a busy and lovely long weekend! 

Here are some pics of the V-day din din that DH made for me.  I was his sous-chef for the evening. Alright, I was a tad bossy for a sous-chef but this poor man really doesn't know his way around the kitchen! But he was a fast learner and I tried to be very patient - err, I mean he was very patient. ;) 

  

 and we finished it off with this:

 

Oh help me.

Not bad for a novice right?  I *heart* this man.

updated 5:30 pm ET
**(I was dreading writing a separate entry on this so I decided to add it in here) It's the dread of recapping the sad memories but I don't want this date to pass without proper acknowledgment either. The event that forever changed our lives a year ago today.  
 
I was naively and happily preggo until I started spotting just a few days before V-day 2009. I thought that this spotting was just 'a thing that happened' with pregnancy and little did I know that it was a sign that things were not going well.  Since this was my 1st pregnancy, we were told by the mid-wife agency to come in week 8 for our first appt - and the only thing that I had confirmation on was a lot of positive HPTs.  The first and only bloodtest I got was in the ER the Monday before the miscarriage- HCG in the 20,000s - but sure enough a few days after, I was naturally miscarrying our 1st lil' bean.  I remember the horror of seeing the sac - this greyish clot that totally looked foreign to me and knowing for sure that there was no chance.   That day seems so far away but the memory is still fresh. 

I have grown into a different women today and I couldn't have done it without God and the support of this group right here.  When I was lost and lonely and had no one to really talk to that would understand this experience, I found you. Through encouraging comments and prayers, this past year, as hard as it was, has laid a solid foundation for me to continue this journey to becoming a mommy one day.  I pray that I will continue to receive your support and prayer as I prepare myself for what lies ahead.   I am grateful to have my dear hubby be my rock and my shoulder - and I know that some day soon, he can put his cooking skills to the test when I'm just too tired and he has to cook for our kiddies. :) 

Signs and results

Today was the Big Day to find out my results from the 1001 bloodtests that were ran on me and DH back in December (mostly on me, DH only had a few blood tests done - lucky bum!)

And so the verdict is...













all is normal. 

Karotypes normal, no clotting disorders, no issues with anything that would signal Ah-Ha! that's maybe why you haven't been able to carry a babe successfully to term. Exception of an ever so slightly elevated thyroid result on the anti-thyroid antibodies test.  The dr. explained that there is no direct co-relation between that and recurrent miscarriages, but he prescribed me a very very low dose of medicine that will balance it out and then we can cross that off and rule out as anything, just in case.  I don't know too much about this so of course Dr. Google will be my BFF once again. If you have heard anything on this please do share! 

I had mixed feelings when we were told that 'all was normal'.  I think maybe they were even a lil' taken back when I said - ugh, really?! as a response. Because as you ladies know, I had sort of hoped for something to be 'found' that was treatable - and not just a '3 times unlucky' thing. Because that can be scary. And that can kinda mess up your mind about this whole baby making thing.  Logic says that if everything is fine, then what is going on? 

I am grateful however, that our chromosome testing came back normal - if anything, I was worried about that was going to be the issue but thank the Lord that DH and I don't have freaky chromosomes that don't like each other. I'm very happy about this piece of news.   

Other than that, I am to start progesterone suppositories (yuck) on Day 18.  Also in this 'treatment plan' will be baby aspirin (which I've been taking since before #2). Apparently what my OB had prescribed me before was Prometrium not progesterone - I thought they were the same? Did I mention that these are really much larger than the prometrium pellets I was taking?! These are like - really big candy corn? That's the best way I can describe it.

I guess now that I have these suppositories along with the aspirin and with the anti thyroid antibodies medication, it will feel like I'm doing something different, and hopefully this will be just what I need to carry a real live baby to term.  


My blog title today is 'Signs and results'.  What signs do you ask? It's funny how when we ask God for a sign, He well, literally, speaks to the universe to give it to you. 

As DH and I walked from our car to the dr.'s office building,  we passed a car with a license plate:  BFPK *** ; then a restaurant aptly named, Eggsmart, and last but not least, the Fresh Start Coffee stop.  


I kid you not! 

 

 

Show us Your Life - Beauty Tips and Fave Products Friday

I've been following Kelly's Korner in the last month or so and she always has a 'Show Us Your Life' series every Friday where bloggers from all over can participate and today's is on sharing beauty tips and fave products! So I thought I would give it a go and jump in!  (it's nice to have a non-IF post once in a while, right ladies? :)  

I'm super dedicated to my products and I get distraught, I mean, devastatingly distraught when my products for some reason or another, get discontinued! So I always have to keep a 'back up' just in case.  But for now, here are a few of my can't-live-without faves that I wanted to share with you! 


So in no particular order: 

I love love this new organic shampoo and conditioner I found (and available at Walmart!)  It's Giovanni's Tea Tree Triple Treat shampoo & conditioner (try saying that five times fast!). It really invigorates your hair and wakes you up in the morning because it leaves your hair feeling super clean and the eucalyptus leaves your head feel all tingly and fresh - also a bonus - it contains no laurel/laureth sulfates! 

 

Next up is another product I've been using in the last few months for my face wash - lately with all the hormones and stuff my face has had it's not so great moments -- but I feel that ever since I switched to Burt's Bees Soap Bark (organic again) face wash - it has really improved my skin by calming it down and not having a lot of crazy breakouts during those fun times when AF comes to town. Bonus: paraben free, phthalate free and sulfate free!  

Since we're on the topic of skincare, I have to mention that I unfortunately have been blessed with the blackheads' curse (sounds like something out of a pirate movie LOL) - specifically, on my nose. So to keep up, I have been using Earth Therapeutics handy dandy Extractor tool to get a squeeze on those yucky b-heads and say sayonara to them for good!  

Now onto make up! I don't wear a whole lot of make up but I always want to keep a fresh, simple look.  I always start off with a good moisturizer though, and I use Neutrogena's Fine Fairness cream (unfortunately it is not sold in North America - so whenever I go back to Hong Kong or know someone that is - I request a stock up!) 

For brows, I absolutely love Smashbox's Browtech Wax - it really keeps your brows shaped and in place - and it's a perfect base for filling in your brows to give it that definition and shape. I'm all about looking natural and this definitely does the trick! 

Now a pet peeve of mine is when by the end of the day, my liner or eye makeup (for special occasions) is no longer on the top but all under my eyes. Don't we hate that ladies? So my perfect solution for that is to apply a thin base of MAC's paints in Untitled.  I usually apply this first and then go work on my brows so it can set a bit (it's like moisturizer consistency) - then I can go on to do my liner. It really holds it in place and unless you rub your eyes or have a crying fit during the day - your liner stays where it should! 

My sister introduced me to Sonia Kashuk's bent liner brush (super cheap like 6.95 at Target! whenever we go over to Buffalo for outlet shopping - we hit Target to stock up on these!) They are so perfect and precise in applying liquid liner - and has the right firmness so you won't make any smudges where you don't want to.

 

Another passed along fave from my sister that is in my arsenal is MACs Fluidline in Blacktrack.  I believe I bought mine in August of last year and I'm still using it - this stuff lasts forever! 

As I mentioned previously, I don't like to wear a lot of makeup on my face, but I still want an even, glowly skin tone. That's why I *heart* L'oreal's Bare Naturals Mineral powder.  I only use where I need some coverage, and it's so light it doesn't even look like you are wearing make up!

I love a rosy glow! NARS cream blush in Cactus Flower is my FAVE and just a little dab and swirl of it on your cheeks gives you an instant healthy glow and I never leave home without it on!  (yes that's actually my blush in the picture below - on my table runner :)

Lastly, (and this is the sad part) my favourite lip colour from MAC called Urgent - from their Slimshine line. It's the perfect colour for my skin tone and I was so sad when I recently found out that this is going to be discontinued and I've been frantically going from store to store to find it but haven't been successful yet! I might have to resort to buying them online before they disappear altogether!

So there you have it! My fave products that make me happy!  Enjoy your weekend ladies - and if you have time - share your beauty tips! 

Glass half full

As always, thank you ladies for the support - I was really bummed out yesterday and perhaps not quite myself so I apologize if my posts were whiny and all deb.bie downer-esque- I hate being like that! I give you all permission to kick me in the behind next time I get all 'woe to me' and mopey - mmmk? ok good. 

Like my dear fellow blogger Laura at Blessed, I have to remember to count my blessings, even when life doesn't go the way I would like it to. I have to remember that AF arriving regularly IS a blessing in itself - I start off with another clean slate and have another window of opportunity in the not-too-distant future (thanks for reminding me to look at the glass half full Christa ;).   

I know that a lot of ladies going through IF and/or RPL have PCOS/irregular cycles - and it must be so frustrating to have that extra obstacle to deal with when TTC.  One of my dear friends recently found out that she was diagnosed with premature menopause - at the age of 30.  At first they thought it was PCOS but after several tests, it was conclusive that she no longer was producing estrogen and subsequently, her body did not have eggs left to have a biological baby of her own.  So unfair that she is going through this but God is working in her life and providing her and her husband with another option, it is such a blessing that her sister is willing to donate her eggs to them so they can try conceiving through IVF.  I pray that they will be physically and emotionally strengthened to endure this trying time in their lives. 

Just another reminder that everyone's journey is riddled with its own obstacles and that I should be grateful when I can for what I still have.  As much as it was disappointing that we didn't get our BFP this past cycle, I'm OK with it and keeping my chin up. I will keep trusting God and place my worries and anxiety with Him. It's doing me no good hanging onto them! 

annnnnnd right on cue.

Well whaddya know.
AF made her appearance this evening, officially rubbing salt in the wound. 

Off to bed so I can yell into my pillow. 

:( 

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Bumming...big time

All the signs this month pointed to it. I was so sure. My cycle lately has been anywhere from 26-28 days (My regular cycle has always been 28) - so yesterday when CD26 came and went without no signs of AF showing up - I let myself hope just a little bit more than the day before. I debated over and over with myself this morning whether or not I should test or just wait until at least CD29.  

I don't know why I thought it would make me feel better to know now vs. in a few days - but this week has just been crazy in my mind thinking 'am I or aren't I' so I decided to sacrifice my last hpt (from the box from my 3rd bfp in Sept) and go for it. 


I stuffed the test in one of the drawers in my washroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face with such fervor and determination as I was preparing myself how to deal with a + or a - . 


Hubby came in soon after and was going about shaving and I told him that I had taken The Test and asked him whether or not he would look with me. 


So we took a deep breath and pulled open the drawer together. My heart never sank so deep as it did this morning.  Staring at that lonely line was so disheartening and whatever hopes I had for this month plummeted to a "how could you be so stupid to let yourself think this was going to be it?" feeling. 

I was so sure.  

Technically, if you remember - the dr. said to hold off on bd'ing until we find out what the results were but we weren't 'not' trying and if I think back to all the times we did the deed - it would have been perfect timing.  So what happened?  


I was so sure. 


So now we wait to see when AF decides to show up and torment me again. And Monday is just around the corner so I guess that's something to look forward to. 


Argh!

Monday Blahs

Lately I've been feeling just 'blah'. And it doesn't help that it's a Monday to a new month. I still can't get over that fact that a year ago we were just naively starting down this baby making path (actually I was still preggo with #1 last year this time) and here we are, a year later and showing barely visible battlewounds but underneath, the scars are there. 

I should be getting AF this week - either tomorrow or Thurs - my cycle has sped up a bit in the last two cycles but I expect it anywhere between day 26 and 28.  
I haven't worked out in a few weeks and I'm thinking that's where my 'bleh' feeling is coming from. I don't have those happy feelings aka endorphins running through me! 

Yesterday DH and I literally just vegged out after grocery shopping and errands - we bought a few new blurays - the hangover (it's hysterical -but still don't get how it won a gold.en glo be?) and cloudy with a chan.ce of m.eat.balls (tres cute). 

Did anyone catch the Gra.mmy's last night - some of the performances were just wow! (like pink?!) and others (drak.e/em) were um - censored beyond belief? why even bother!

Also watched Miss.America Sat night- I was really rooting for Ore.gon but boo didn't advance let alone win! ) -I'm sorry but did anyone else feel like the end was very rushed? No build up to the crown whatsoever! Mario, I'm disappointed! 


See - told you I vegged out this weekend! 


p.s. ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL THE LO.ST PREMI.ERE!!!